Features Archive

On The First Day of Christmas The Minty Pocket gave to me...

...A Bleeding Max Mosley...

Hands down one of the greatest, yet most ridiculous news stories of the year, F1 boss Max Mosley's Nazi tinged orgy and the subsequent trial it led to was not only incredibly funny, it was also the first ever Minty Pocket story. Relive Mosley's beating at the hands of an entire battalion of hookers below;

10th July 2008

Max Mosley Shaved And Checked For Lice...

...No, not Formula 1's new stringent physical but part of the F1 boss' S & M orgy that is currently at the centre of a trial with Mosley suing the News Of The World for 'breach of privacy', close the curtains next time you dirty bastard. Mosley's S & M session, and what a session by all accounts, is subsequently being gone through with a fine tooth comb, much like Mr. Mosley was by the sound of things.

The thing I love most about this trial is that Mosley is quite happy to admit that he was involved in a sadomasochistic orgy with five hookers and that one of them caned his bare ass until it bled, but the suggestion that there was anything 'Nazi' about the orgy has him on his high horse.

As the case rolls on, we'll no doubt be privy to even more disturbing revelations about Mosley's in-no-way-Nazi role-playing, but for now I'm off to test out the supposed eroticism of lice-checking... There's a David Attenborough documentary about monkeys on, where's the Kleenex?

On The Second Day of Christmas, The Minty Pocket gave to me...

...Two Prank Phone Calls...

Long before Andrew Sachs decided not to answer his phone, Russell Brand's phone etiquette had been making the news for the wrong reasons. In July he hit the headlines when he made a prank phone call to police at a stand-up gig in Northampton. It just proves what’s important to middle-England; Brand wastes police time and no one seems bothered, he pranks some old guy off the tele though and all hell breaks loose… Complete lunacy.

Read about Russell's first phone faux pas of the year below;

16th July 2008

Police Not Amused By Brand...

What's he done now...? Shagged your Mum? Bummed a tramp? Fingered a Penguin..?

Russell Brand's latest escapade is really quite tame by his standards and surprisingly doesn't involve his dinkle or his ball bags.

At a gig in Northampton, Brand called the Northants Police with some bogus 'info' about "The Underpass Attacker"; A sex attacker who has been stalking local underpasses in recent weeks and is responsible for three seperate sexual assaults.

The Police are yet to comment on whether they will take any action against Brand for his little stunt... I'm just shocked that he would shop himself to the Police like that...

On The Third Day of Christmas,

The Minty Pocket gave to me…

…Three years in jail…

August saw Britain do what it does best; allow criminals and sex offenders free passage into our country. This time though it wasn’t some immigrant sneaking through the channel tunnel but rather our not so prodigal son Gary Glitter being forced back onto our shores after several other countries refused him entry, including Thailand. That’s right Gary Glitter is such a pervert even Thailand didn’t want him!

Catch up on Glitter’s initial release from his stretch in a Vietnamese jail below;

19th August 2008

Glitter Bails...

Lock up your kids... Gary Glitter is free.

The guy who's gang you really don't want to be in, was released from Thu Duc prison in Vietnam where he's done a three year stretch for sexually assaulting two young girls.

And good news folks; he's heading back to England... Albeit in economy class after several airlines refused to take the pervert. Once back on our shores Glitter will be placed on the sex offender's register.

The whole prison experience has obviously taken it's toll on Glitter, who reportedly plans to take a holiday to Florida to recover. He won't be travelling alone though, Glitter recently befriended a group of disadvantaged kids and now he's off to Tampa with them...

...Haha, the old one's are the best ones... Just try telling Gary Glitter that.

On the Fourth day of Christmas The Minty Pocket gave to me…

…Four saggy boobs…

2008 saw many odd couples make the news, but none were quite as odd as this gruesome twosome. Back in August, former Deputy PM John Prescott was snapped stepping out with the utterly shameless Jodie Marsh while filming a documentary.

Rumour has it that Jodie only agreed to meet with Prezza because she misheard his “Two Jags” nickname and thought she was in for a good night. Nevertheless, catch up on the meeting of two of the saggiest pairs of breasts in the country below;

On the Fifth Day of Christmas The Minty Pocket gave to me…

…Five Alaskan Kids…

2008 saw an unlikely figure come to the forefront of politics... Actually when you consider this is American Politics we're talking about, she's not that unlikely.

In late August, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain announced gun-totin', bear-killing, rape kit charging Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate and so began a media love affair that still burns today even after a crushing defeat at the polls.

The self-proclaimed "Lipstick wearing pitbull" and "hockey mom" became a Minty Pocket regular in the back end of the year and if her recent Turkey slaughter video is anything to go by she shows no signs of slowing down and I for one hope she never does.

Relive the initial reaction to McCain's announcement of Palin as his V.P. candidate here;

30th August 2008

Poll To Poll...

John McCain has announced a trouser-suit wearing woman with a shit eating grin as his running mate... Don't worry folks, Hillary hasn't switched sides, McCain's put Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin on his ticket.

Clearly McCain has done this in order to try and steal female voters away from Obama; who alienated many voters of the fairer sex when he snubbed Hillary Clinton in favour of speech stealing Joe Biden as his running mate.

Will McCain's tactics work? Well, we'll know come November... This isn't the first time that US politics has been rocked by a would-be President putting a woman underneath him on his way to The Whitehouse though...

...But in fairness to Bill Clinton, it was a long drive and Monica was looking particularly fetching in her beret...

On the Sixth Day of Christmas The Minty Pocket gave to me…

…Six Angry Rappers…

Rappers are a notoriously angry bunch and 2008 was no exception; from Kanye West attacking photographers to DMX pulling a Michael Vick and getting himself arrested for animal cruelty, but the strangest rap beef of the year had to be Curtis ‘50 Cent’ Jackson’s run in with popular American fast food chain Taco Bell.

50, who has managed to pull off the rare feat of making each album progressively worse than the last one, was angry at the Mexican themed fast food joint for using his image without authorisation and sued their asses.

Read about 50’s beef burrito with Taco Bell below;

24th July 2008

Taco Bell-End

Rapper 50 Cent has apparently threatened to pop a cap in the Burrito of Taco Bell claiming the US fast food chain has used his name and image without permission in an advertising campaign.

New York court papers say fifty is suing the restaurant following an advert that features the star, real name Curtis Jackson, being encouraged to change his name to 79 Cent, 89 Cent or 99 Cent.

This has to be the worst rap feud since Kenzie got to big for his boots in Blazin Squad.

The rapper is accusing the chain of "diluting the value of his good name".

Since when was “50 Cent” a good name?!

On the Seventh Day of Christmas The Minty Pocket gave to me…

…SEVEN! Len is Choking…

Last month 'Strictly Come Dancing' head judge Len Goodman was almost voted off his mortal coil by an innocent looking cough sweet.

Len began to choke backstage at Strictly's american cousin 'Dancing With The Stars' but managed to survive his dance-off with death thanks to the quick thinking of show host Tom Bergeron.

Relive Len's bizarre brush with death here;

14th November 2008

Strictly Come Choking...

America's answer to Bruce Forsyth; Tom Bergeron, co-host of 'Dancing With The Stars' is being hailed a hero after he potentially saved head judge Len Goodman's life.

Head judge on the show, on both sides of the pond, Goodman began to choke on a cough sweet backstage at a taping of the show. Goodman began to struggle for air and started to stagger round the room, much like John Sergeant last Saturday.

Quick-thinking Bergeron grabbed Goodman and performed The Heimlich Manoeuvre... Which Len duly gave a seven.

A similar incident happened on Strictly Come Dancing recently; backstage one Saturday night, Craig Revel-Horwood was spotted with his hands round Bruno Tonioli's waste with Bruno bent over in front of him...

...Bizarrely it didn't actually look like Bruno was choking though...

On the Eighth Day of Christmas The Minty Pocket gave to me…

…Eight Yankees Swinging…

Always first for your semi-libellous news, The Minty Pocket first broke the news of Madonna’s struggling marriage months before she and Guy officially called it a day.

While Madonna reportedly cited “unreasonable behaviour” on Guy’s part as the reason for the breakdown of the marriage, we all know it had more to do with the Material Granny polishing Alex Rodriguez’s bat.

Read the original report of cracks in Madonna’s marriage (and face) below;

12th July 2008

A-Rod & Madonna Affair?

Madonna's marriage is reportedly in trouble.

Not due to her penchant for stealing African babies, but due to an alleged affair with New York Yankees Baseball star Alex Rodriguez.

A-Rod, which is his nickname not Madonna's pet name for his junk, has already had his wife leave him over the allegations. Although Madonna vehemently denies the rumours, it's refreshing to see that Wayne Rooney's not the only multi-millionaire sportstar who gets his rocks off by shagging decrepit old women.

On the Ninth Day of Christmas The Minty Pocket gave to me…

…Nine Lines of Charlie…

Sometimes celebrity confessions aren’t that surprising, one such example would be Kerry Katona revealing she’s an alcoholic, I don’t get the feeling many people heard that revelation and gasped “No... Really?”

However, September saw a celebrity revelation that was actually quite surprising; National treasure Dame Helen Mirren admitted in a magazine interview that in her younger days she used to “love” cocaine.

Find out more about Mirren’s confession below;

1st September 2008

Mirren Blows It...

Everyone's favourite Calender Girl Dame Helen Mirren has caused controversy by declaring her love of a certain white substance... No, she's not making a Caligula sequel, but rather stated in an interview that she used to "love" cocaine.

What's next Dame Maggie Smith on Speed? Dame Judi Dench on Crack?

In the interview with GQ, conducted by fat-faced knob Piers Morgan, Mirren claimed that she was taking Cocaine up until the early 80's.

This story really is shocking; Helen Mirren?! Cocaine...?! ...And theres me thinking she never dated John Leslie...

On the Tenth Day of Christmas The Minty Pocket gave to me…

…Ten Pints of Whiskey…

It wouldn’t be a Minty Pocket countdown if our old friend Amy Winehouse didn’t feature somewhere.

It’s been another vintage year for Winehouse, I don’t think I’d be far wrong in saying that there hasn’t been one positive story about her in the media this year; from trying to attack a fan at Glastonbury, to being hospitalised with ‘emphysema’ to this worrying report of her backstage demands for her performance at Bestival.

Read all about the rider that even Motley Crue would have found ‘excessive’ below;

5th September 2008

Whiskey In The Jar...

If reports are to be believed Amy Winehouse is seemingly intent on inflicting even more damage on her already drug ravaged body. Wino is due to perform at Bestival in the Isle of Wight this weekend (with heavy emphasis on the word 'due') and festival organisers are reportedly claiming that Amy's rider for the weekend demands excessive amounts of Jack Daniel's whiskey.

A Bestival source is reported to have said; "...Miss Winehouse has ordered in an extremely large amount of Jack Daniel's, in fact, a ridiculous amount that she and her team could not possibly consume during their short stay." Err, have you met Amy Winehouse!?

While whiskey may be a step up from heroin, Winehouse's demand may be slightly over the top; she's supposedly asked for 48 bottles of the stuff... Or what George Best used to call Tuesday.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas The Minty Pocket gave to me…

…Eleven Scally Baddies…

Everyone’s been affected by the Credit Crunch in some way this year, even 007 himself James Bond.

I know it sounds like the least interesting Ian Fleming novel ever, but in late October, current Bond Daniel Craig joked that the next Bond installment could be shot in a British city such as Birmingham or Liverpool if the global economic downturn were to sink it’s vicious teeth into Hollywood.

Catch up on the potential not-so-glamorous places we could soon see Bond having casual, unprotected sex here;

28th October 2008

Quantum of Scallies…

Daniel Craig says the next Bond film could be made in Liverpool or Birmingham if the credit crunch hits Hollywood.

With the film industry tightening its belt, glamorous foreign locations could soon be a thing of the past.

Craig said: "There are plenty of places we could shoot in the British Isles. If the credit crunch hits the movie business, who knows? Bond in the Lake District, Liverpool... or Birmingham."

Imagine…Bond girls in tracksuits drinking Lambrini? Aston Martins with no wheels? Or how about shady gangsters with cheap gold teeth?

Hmm, maybe it’s not such a bad idea after all.

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas The Minty Pocket gave to me…

…Twelve Angry Lesbians…

In August this year, everyone’s favourite lesbian Ellen DeGeneres (suck on that Rosie O’Donnell, or not as the case may be) married her long term girlfriend Portia De Rossi.

Gay rights activists were thrilled in May when the Californian Supreme Court overturned the ban on same-sex marriages. So imagine how angry they were when the decision was overturned again in November.

With the debate about the controversial ‘Prop 8’, the ballot that banned same sex marriage in California, raging on, travel back to a happier time with our final Twelve Days of Christmas instalment and read about Ellen and Portia’s nuptials here;

17th August 2008

DeGeneres X...

Comedienne turned talk-show host Ellen DeGeneres has married her girlfriend of four years, Arrested Development star Portia De Rossi.

The couple wasted little time getting hitched, following the decision by California's Supreme Court in May to overturn the ban on same-sex marriages.

The ceremony itself took place at their Los Angeles home and there are rumours that the wedding party took place at the L.A. branch of the popular Pink Taco chain of restaurants...

...Apparently Ellen likes to eat there...

Part 1

Sarah Palin

Welcome to the first entry in our series El Presidente; a print out and keep guide to the four major players in the upcoming US Presidential Election. As always you can rely on The Minty Pocket as your number one source for the most sarcastic and probably offensive coverage of the Election. In part one we will be focussing on the last person to enter the Thunderdome known as (In)Decision ’08; Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin.

Name: Sarah Louise Heath Palin

Age: 44

Party: Republican

State: Alaska

Position: Governor

Everyone’s favourite lipstick-wearing Pitbull Sarah Palin is staunchly ‘pro-life’, which would explain her five kids. Palin and husband Todd are obviously of the "let’s name our kids after things we see" school of thought and thus we have; Track, Trig, Bristol, Piper and Willow, they might sound like the names of cabins at Centre Parcs but the Palin children are clearly part of the Alaskan Governor’s appeal, which is why she trots them out on stage at every possible opportunity.

Given the recent press coverage Palin has been getting, you’d be forgiven for thinking that she was in fact running for President but in fact it’s good old Senator John McCain – you know that old guy, remember him? Clearly trying to grab the votes of all the jaded Hillary supporters who are still angry at Barack Obama for snubbing their hero, McCain picked Palin as his running mate despite her relative lack of experience and the fact that she’s Governor of fucking Alaska! Making sure a bunch of igloos don’t melt and gutting moose isn’t really the best foundation to be Vice-President of the most powerful country in the world is it?

Palin isn’t very bright, at all. And with that in mind we should probably be grateful she wasn’t Bush’s running mate, but the scariest thing about her appointment is this; John McCain (old guy, come on, you must remember!?) is like 110 years old, if he croaks it, we’re going to have someone who doesn’t believe in evolution as leader of the free world, a woman whose religious beliefs are as blinkered as the very terrorists she’s so desperate to keep battling in Iraq.

Sarah Palin’s pro-life stance obviously doesn’t extend to you if you can be turned into a rug or ornament, as the top picture clearly shows, but in spite of this contradiction, the U.S. people can’t get enough of her ‘folksy’ (and by ‘folksy’ I mean redneck) charm, “she’s so real” is the constant cry from Palinites across America. Oh sure, the self-proclaimed ‘Hockey Mom’ is JUST like her working class supporters – jetting round the country on her private jet, with an army of hair and make-up artists doing her up to look like some sort of saucy librarian before each television appearance.

This former beauty queen though has a very real chance of finding herself in the White House come January and if that happens, we’ll have someone who thinks that Alaska shares a border with Russia a heartbeat, and a very weak heartbeat at that, away from being President…

"As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where – where do they go? It’s Alaska. It's just right over the border."

- Sarah Palin explaining why Alaska's proximity to Russia

gives her foreign policy experience (24^th September 2008)

Part 2

Joe Biden

Welcome to Part 2 of the most insightful series on the internet; El Presidente. In our second edition of the series that focuses on the four main protagonists in the ongoing saga of the US Presidential Election, we will be taking a closer look at Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate Senator Joe Biden.

Name: Joseph Robinette Biden Jnr.

Age: 65

Party: Democrat

State: Delaware

Position: Senator

Joe Biden used to be the most famous thing to come out of Scranton, Pennsylvania until the U.S. version of “The Office” selfishly came along and pissed all over his proverbial chips.

Biden has come in for somewhat of a baptism of fire since being selected as Barack Obama’s running mate. With the Hillary supporters piling the pressure on Obama to select their fallen hero as his deputy, Obama stood firm and appointed Biden, whose lack of a vagina seemed to cause outrage. While Biden may not have quite the same ‘celebrity’ as his Republican equivalent he is not without his controversy.

Biden first became involved in the circus that is the Presidential race in 1988 when he ran for the Democratic nomination. Despite a strong showing, his campaign imploded underneath the weight of allegations of plagiarism. Biden was accused of ripping of a speech by then Labour party leader Neil Kinnock; I’m not joking. All the great British leaders he could have plagiarised and he chose Kinnock!? Soon after, other incidents of plagiarism in his past were highlighted and magnified by the media and Biden’s campaign never recovered.

Joe Biden, seen above showing us what he'd like to do to Sarah Palin, has a reputation for saying some pretty fucking stupid things, his most significant recent gaffe coming at the expense of the man who would become his running mate; Barack Obama;

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, I mean, that's a storybook, man."

…I’d hate to hear what he says about people he doesn’t like. When he doesn’t have black celebrities staking out his house ready to kick his ass, Biden can be found in the Senate representing the most boring state in America; Delaware. Biden was initially running for the Democratic Presidential nomination until he withdrew in January 2008 after receiving less than 1% of the vote in the Iowa caucus… Probably a wise choice.

As you can probably tell from this piece, there is a lot less to make fun of Joe Biden about than there is Sarah Palin, but given the fact that these two are supposed to be on the bottom of the ticket, then that’s probably a good thing. McCain’s campaign is in real danger of becoming completely overshadowed by his running mate’s exploits. At least with Biden, Obama won’t ever have to worry about losing the spotlight, unless Biden reels off a severe bout of his trademark verbal diahorrea in the coming weeks, possibly along the lines of the following;

“You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.... I'm not joking"

Good old Joe, no minority is safe…

Part 3

John McCain

Welcome to Part 3 of our completely objective, in-no-way-biased feature El Presidente, where we bring you print out and keep guides to the four major players in the seemingly never-ending march to the White House known as the U.S. Presidential election.

Having got the bit part players out of the way in Palin and Biden, it’s now time to aim our crosshairs at the big boys (not literally of course, if the secret service are reading this) by focussing on Presidential candidates Barack Obama and first Senator John McCain.

Name: John Sidney McCain III

Age: 72

Party: Republican

State: Arizona

Position: Senator

To most people in the UK John McCain, pictured above on the toilet apparently, was only known for his burgeoning frozen chip empire but that all changed when the 72 year old Senator from Arizona was named as the Republican Presidential nominee. After defeating a collective who’s who of clowns to secure the nomination, McCain got a head start on the Democratic nominee with his campaign, as his potential Democratic rivals Obama and Hillary Clinton continued battling each other, but given the current polling scores, you wouldn’t know it.

John McCain was born on a U.S. Naval base in Panama in 35 B.C., his family soon settled down in Virginia, which is where McCain spent most of his formative years. McCain would eventually follow in the footsteps of his Father and Grandfather by joining the navy, where he would eventually become a naval pilot, contrary to popular belief; he was NOT a kamikaze pilot.

McCain’s bad luck in the skies continued spectacularly in 1967 during the Vietnam War when his plane was shot down over North Vietnam. Narrowly avoiding death, McCain was captured and imprisoned in the ‘Hanoi Hilton’ which isn’t as nice as it sounds; it was in fact Hanoi’s main prison – more like the Hanoi Butlin’s. McCain spent a total of five and a half years as a POW, his treatment and injuries left him incapable of lifting his arms above his head, meaning the poor guy has never known the pure unbridled joy of “throwing his hands in the air and waving them like he just don’t care…”

On his return to the U.S. McCain became somewhat of a celebrity, and after returning to the navy briefly set his sights on getting into the politics that would eventually lead him to a Presidential nomination. McCain became a Senator in 1987 at the ripe old age of 51 and after thirteen years in the Senate decided to run for President in 2000. Running against some guy from Texas named George W. Bush - perhaps you’ve heard of him, for the Republican nomination, McCain decided to steal an idea from the WWF and Lex Luger by boarding his own stars and stripes adorned bus ‘The Straight Talk Express’ and cruising the country drumming up support, it didn’t work for Luger and it didn’t work for McCain, he was eventually defeated by Bush in most of the Super Tuesday primaries and withdrew from the race.

McCain endorsed Bush but you have to feel it was against his better judgment, after a dirty tricks campaign to smear the McCain name caused controversy during the primaries. The anti-McCain propaganda claimed everything from McCain being gay, to his wife being a drug addict, to McCain having fathered an illegitimate black child. The Bush campaign denied any involvement in the propaganda and given the fact that this is George W. Bush we’re talking about, you have to believe they had no involvement; Bush probably thinks propaganda is a type of curry and I very much doubt he could spell it, let alone organise it.

Undeterred by his defeat to a shaved ape in 2000, McCain once again threw his hat in the ring for the 2008 nomination which brings us full circle to today where we find ourselves just s few short weeks away from discovering whether it will be McCain or Obama who are charged with cleaning up Bush’s mess.

Despite the fact that I pretty much disagree with everything the Republicans stand for, I genuinely think McCain would be a decent President if elected, and compared to Bush would probably seem like Churchill. The guy is a genuine war hero and has proved in his numerous appearances on the likes of “The Daily Show” that he has a sense of humour and is an intelligent man, which makes his decision to appoint Sarah Palin as his running mate even more mind-boggling.

The Palin backlash among people who aren’t clinically insane seems to have already started and McCain could end up seeing the thing that he hoped would swing the election in his favour ultimately being his undoing. If he served a full two terms he would be 80 years old by the end of his Presidency, although his medical records have been released to the press and given him a clean bill of health can people really see beyond the fact that if his cancer came back or if age and the stress of the job simply got the better of him that Sarah fucking Palin would be President?

Part 4

Barack Obama

Hello and welcome to the fourth and final part of El Presidente, The Minty Pocket’s series of profiles on the Presidential and Vice-Presidential candidates in the impending U.S. Election. So far we’ve profiled Sarah Palin, Joe Biden and John McCain but now it’s time for the big daddy; sea-parting, world-healing Senator Barack Obama.

Name: Barack Hussein Obama II

Age: 47

Party: Democrat

State: Illinois

Position: Senator

Every time Barack Obama speaks an angel ejaculates, such is the power of this man. John McCain has dismissed Obama’s popularity as ‘celebrity’ rather than Presidential substance, which led to McCain’s campaign ads being spoofed by Paris Hilton, McCain should have taken the hint; you know you’re in trouble when you’re being outwitted by a Hilton.

Obama has been carrying the hopes of most of the United States on his shoulders ever since he announced his candidacy and began to preach about change, and boy is the U.S. ready for a healthy dose of change. Obama’s popularity stems from far more than the historic nature of him potentially becoming the first black President (who wasn’t in a film/TV show), he is intellectual and talks to people like grown ups, displaying a level of eloquence not seen in the White House for at least as long as I’ve been alive. Not since Kennedy has a Presidential candidate captured the imaginations of not just America but the World as Obama has.

Born in Honolulu, Hawaii in 1961, Obama’s father was a black Kenyan, his mother a white American from Kansas. When Obama was two, his parents divorced and his father returned to Kenya, he would see his son just once before dying in a car crash in the early eighties. When his mother re-married, she moved to Indonesia taking the young Obama with her, after attending schools in Indonesia until he was ten, Barack Obama returned to Hawaii to live with his grandparents and attend High School.

Barack Obama controversially admitted using cocaine, marijuana and alcohol during his time at High School – unfortunately, as of yet no comedy video of him smoking pot a la Arnold Schwarzenegger, has been released. Obama’s further education continued in both Los Angeles and New York before he moved to Chicago where he worked in the community organiser role that Sarah Palin likes to mock so much (Pssst… Palin, for the last time; you’re Governor of fucking Alaska!).

In 1988, Obama entered Harvard Law School, he would eventually graduate in 1991 with a law degree and return to Chicago and the state he would go on to become Junior Senator for. In 1995 Obama released his first book ‘Dreams From My Father’, two years later he was appointed to the Illinois Senate and in 2004 ascended to the U.S. Senate after his opponent Jack Ryan withdrew amidst allegations that before their divorce in 1999, he had taken his then wife, Star Trek: Voyager sex pot Jeri Ryan, to several sex clubs across the country, intending for them to have public sex. Jeri Ryan described one of the clubs as having “…cages, whips and other apparatus hanging from the ceiling.” - Sounds like Jamie Theakston’s living room. Obama had been pushing ahead in the polls but these allegations killed Ryan’s campaign dead, his replacement stood no chance and Obama recorded a landmark victory.

A little over two years after being sworn into the Senate, Obama announced his candidacy for the Democratic Presidential nominee; the guy works fast. With both Obama and Hillary heading the list for the Democratic nomination, this election has been even more of a circus than usual and the word ‘historic’ has preceded almost every mention of the election. In the end the Democratic race did in fact come down to Obama Vs. Clinton, Man Vs. Woman, Black Vs. White, Sane Vs. Mental… With sanity ruling the day and Obama securing the nomination.

Although the Democrats were still locking horns with each other, the Republicans had already named McCain as their nominee, so with Hillary vanquished (for now) Obama turned his attention to old man McCain. At times the race has gotten ugly, not to the point of the McCain smearing that went on in 2000, but ugly none-the-less and both campaigns have had their ups and downs, some more so than others. At present, less than two weeks from the election; Barack Obama is back where he has been all along beating McCain in the polls.

It’s hard to believe that Obama’s run began twenty looooooooong months ago, and in that time this man has been under the voyeuristic scrutiny of the 24 hour news networks from day one with every aspect of his life has been examined more thoroughly than John McCain’s prostate… Which makes Sarah Palin’s suggestion that we don’t know the ‘real’ Barack Obama almost as ridiculous as her ‘dancing’ on SNL last weekend, we know this man better than we know ourselves right now. May I just add that Palin entered the race less than two months ago and is yet to field a press conference, so I don’t think it’s Obama we don’t know…

Barack Obama has been accused of thinking he's better than middle America, like that’s a bad thing; he’s running for fucking President! I should hope that the person who is trying to lead the free world would think they’re better qualified for the job than 99% of people otherwise he’d just go and work in Burger King, being a member of the elite isn’t a bad thing, in fact it’s about time America had someone in the top job who is a Harvard scholar… Not the sort of man who almost chokes on a pretzel…

…So people of America, please elect this man as your next President! (Just look at that jump shot!)