News Archive

11th February

Bad News Brown

The L.A. County District Attorney is reportedly building a case against Chris Brown over the allegations that he did what many of us imagined doing during 'Umbrella's reign (see what I did there!?) at the top of the charts; punch Rihanna in the face.

Brown was arrested on Sunday and is currently out on $50,000 bail. He turned himself into police after he was identified by a woman as the man who assaulted her the previous night, that woman is reportedly his girlfriend Rihanna.

Details are still sketchy, but both Brown and Rihanna pulled out of performances at the Grammys and Rihanna has cancelled gigs and her upcoming 21st birthday party. Many reports suggest that Rihanna is not in good shape after the alleged incident, claiming that she, among other injuries, suffered bite marks to the face. The never sensationalist Sun today even claimed she may require plastic surgery.

Brown's career is already starting to suffer, Double Mint dropped their ad campaign featuring the Michael Jackson wannabe and now radio stations in the States have started to ban his music. Crusading DJ's in Cleveland, Pittsburgh and Indianapolis have all slapped a Brown-embargo on their airwaves...

...Now if only Scouting For Girls could beat up their girlfriends...

8th February

Break Down The Walls

WWE star Chris Jericho had fans wanting to beat him down this weekend. Only he wasn't in a WWE ring playing his heel character that has made him the company's MVP of the last year, he was trying to leave the arena after a show in his native Canada.

As Jericho pulls away from the arena in his car, his path is blocked by a group of fans, who have clearly taken it upon themselves to perpetuate the dumb wrestling fan stereotype. After the usual round of playful boos, Jericho is forced to leave his car when the useless security on duty can't get the fans out of his way.

A male fan can be heard calling Jericho an "insult to Canadians" and a "motherfucker"... psst, dickhead, it's not real. He's acting, and while we're at it; Tobey Maguire's not actually Spider-man. Moron.

When an over-agressive female fan reaches into the former World Champion's car and hits him, Jericho retaliates and pushes her away, which draws the ire of a guy who appears to be her boyfriend. The boyfriend then lunges at Jericho, who in turn takes the guy down.

In a climate where the conduct of entertainers is constantly being called into question, I have to say I'm with Jericho on this one. It's just a shame he didn't slap the Walls of Jericho on the fucking idiot right there in the middle of the road.

You can watch the incident and draw your own opinion here;

4th February

Christian Goes Bale-istic

The realms of geekery have had a field day this week with the leak of an audio clip of Batman himself Christian Bale laying into the Director of Photography on the set of 'Terminator: Salvation' with more F-bombs than even Gordon Ramsey could manage in that space of time.

Bale apparently lost it when D.o.P. Shane Hurlbut wandered into shot during a pivotal scene in the upcoming McG-helmed blockbuster. The subsequent rant, which sounds like a spoof at first, was recorded and has now been leaked, seemingly with the sole intention of embarrasing the Welsh-born actor.

Director McGimp's reaction speaks volumes about who really wore the trousers on set, everyone seems terrified of upsetting Bale. His hiring added credibility to a project that had been crapped all over from the beginning and McG's desperation to be accepted by the fanboys saw him attempt to recreate 'The Dark Knight' crew member by crew member. I heard a rumour he even tried to trot out Heath Ledger's corpse for one scene.

Ain't It Cool News are trying to defend Bale by giving the rant context, and yes the D.o.P. may have been in the wrong but someone with some balls should have stood up to Bale and told him to lighten up a bit. There really isn't any excuse for that kind of reaction to someone, who at the end of the day is a work colleague, regardless of what he's done. If you did that to a colleague at Asda I think you'd been turning in your Green fleece at the end of your shift.

The media have naturally blown it out of all proportion and want Bale's head, six months after they all wanted to teabag him over 'The Dark Knight', but the single greatest thing to come out of this quite ridiculous story is the awesome dance remix of the rant by DJ Revolucian...

...Which is infinitely better than anything I've heard Pendulum put out.

Check it out here;

4th February

Lett's Be Friends

Impeached Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's 'Im Innocent' tour swung into the Big Apple last night, when he appeared on Letterman.

Blago, or Blego if we're talking about his hair, remains defiant despite having a criminal trial looming large in his future.

Letterman wasn't the only couch that were graced by Blagojevich's ass cheeks yesterday though, he did another wave of TV appearances, including Larry King, 'The View' and NBC's 'Today', sparking rumours he's lobbying for a book deal or his own talk show, which can I just say; would be awesome.

Back to Letterman though and Dave jokingly told Blago what we've all been thinking all along; ""The more you talked... and the more you repeated your innocence, the more I said to myself, 'Oh, this guy is guilty'" the buck-toothed host joshed.

"I did nothing wrong... And I'll have an opportunity to be able to go in a court to prove that I did nothing wrong." Blagojevich maintained, his denials even drawing laughter from the audience at one point.

To round off the interview, Blagojevich, clearly wanting to pay me back for the all the coverage I've given him these past few months, said this (and this is an actual quote) "My wife and I will come together."

Now, naturally I'm taking that quote completely out of context, but with soundbites like that, this shit writes itself... God bless you Rod Blagojevich.

4th February

My Flow Is No Joaq

Joaquin Phoenix, whose beard is starting to look more and more like a 1970's German vagina, has quashed rumours his hip-hop venture is part of some elaborate hoax or spoof documentary.

Phoenix claims that while last month's Vegas gig that saw him fall off stage at the end of his set, might not have been his best work (understatement of the year) he's not going to give up, and still wants to be a rap superstar and live large with a big house and five cars...

Phoenix is quoted as saying; "There's not a hoax... Might I be ridiculous? Might my career in music be laughable? Yeah, that's possible, but that's certainly not my intention."

The actor who has gained critical acclaim for so many of his big screen roles went on to explain that the reaction to that now infamous Vegas gig wasn't all bad; "My experience afterward was I had a lot of dudes come up and say, ‘We really respect you for doing it, putting yourself out there, and going with it'... Because I think true hip-hop heads know that it's hard, it's going to be a hard transition, and people are going to be lining up just to make fun of me."

Form a queue behind me people...

3rd February

Oh Golly

Carol Thatcher will no longer work on The One Show after being reported for making an off-air remark, the BBC has announced.

The former prime minister's daughter referred to a tennis player as a "golliwog" backstage during filming of the BBC One programme.

The corporation said it had hoped Thatcher would issue an unconditional apology but she had declined to do so.

Her spokesman told The Times she made the remark in a conversation with the show's presenter Adrian Chiles back stage and it was "meant as a joke".

So maybe it was Chiles who complained thinking she was making a remark about his increasingly brown looking co-host and rumoured partner Christine Blakely. I mean the woman’s gone so far past orange she’s almost mahogany.

The good news for Thatcher though is that she’s not going to be banned from the beeb as a whole.

In fact, they are now going to offer her Russell Brand’s old radio two slot.

1st February

Heart-Phelp Apology?

It was a case of sleazy like Sunday morning again for the News Of The World this morning as they ran an 'exclusive' photo of record-breaking Olympic Gold medalist Michael Phelps seemingly taking a bong hit.

It's kind of ironic that the NOTW is feigning moral outrage over Phelps smoking weed when they were practically jizzing into the faces of the British Olympic team when they had an above average medal haul in Beijing last Summer. The same British Olympic team that included one Christine Ohuruogu, an athlete who had been banned for a year for missing three drugs tests in 2006.

Now, not to make any unfounded accusations, but why would one miss three consecutive drugs tests if not to hide the use of perfomance enhancing drugs? A little fact that seems lost on the media of this country and the Royals who handed out an MBE to Ohuruogu. Yet because Phelps is American lets belittle his accomplishments and shit on his career over a picture that shows him with a bong. It's indicative of the press in this country and makes us look like a pathetic nation harboring deep-seeded feelings of resentment over the success of others. Because regardless of our 'success' in Beijing, we will never have a Michael Phelps.

Phelps hasn't taken a drug to enhance his abilities, hell he could beat his competition only using one arm, so it's not like he needs to. An olympian's training regime seems to be anything but pleasant, so you can't blame a guy in his early twenties for wanting to enjoy himself on the rare occasions he gets the chance. Sure, it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, but maybe he naively thought that his own friends wouldn't shop him to a tabloid dirtsheet for doing a bong hit. And if that is the case, then Michael Phelps has learnt a very important lesson; don't trust anyone.

I personally hope he wipes the floor with the competition during his next competitive appearance, which will prove that whatever he may do in his spare time, even if that does involve smoking weed, doesn't change the fact that he's an extraordinary athlete bordering on the superhuman.

His spokesperson Clifford Bloxham reportedly told the NOTW that Phelps had taken over 1500 drug tests in his career and not failed, or missed (i might add), any. So let's ban him and brand him a druggie for getting caught once with a bong, and while we're at it, let's strip Barack Obama of the Presidency because he once admitted to experimenting with drugs didn't he.

As for the News of the World; their faux moral outrage over certain events is sickening and the hypocrisy that paper displays from one page to the next is simply astounding. Every time I open it's slanderous front cover, I become a little more convinced that the only thing it's good for is using as slightly uncomfortable and over-priced toilet paper.

1st February 2009

The Gone Show

Christine Bleakley's ex has spoken out about their recent split and blamed 'The One Show' host's co-presenter Adrian Chiles for the break-up.

Mark Beirne referred to Chiles as "the third person" involved in his and Bleakley's split this week. He went on to speculate that the truth behind Chiles and Bleakley's relationship off screen is being hidden to protect their images on screen.

Rumours flew about the co-host's relationship last year when Chiles' marriage came to an end, but the pair have always maintained they are just friends.

A friend of Beirne's has claimed that he felt that Chiles was round at Bleakley's place an awful lot and that every time he called Chiles was there. The friend went on to comment; "[Bleakley] would tell [Beirne] that [Chiles] had called round for a curry or a Chinese - but no one likes takeaway that much"

...Err, I take it they've never heard of Kerry Katona in Northern Ireland then...

29th January

Vich Way's The Exit?

Lego-haired, embattled Illinois Governor and Minty Pocket favourite Rod Blagojevich broke his self-enforced boycott of his own impeachment trial today in a last-ditch attempt to save the job it now seems inevitable he will lose.

Blagojevich still maintains that he has done nothing wrong, which, as the picture above shows, is not strictly true. The Democrat has repeatedly refused to quit over the allegations of corruption within his Legoland, sorry, Chicago office.

Ever the egomaniac, Blagojevich turned up to the trial he has referred to as a "Kangaroo Court" today to defend himself, despite missing the previous two days' proceedings to do some TV rounds. On Tuesday he was seen joshing with the likes of the harpies on 'The View' (the U.S. 'Loose Women') and mustachioed buffoon Geraldo Rivera.

A conviction is now a near certainty, until today Blagojevich had made no defence and practically all of Illinois seems to have now turned against him. The House voted overwhelmingly to impeach him, with the only vote against impeachment coming from his sister-in-law.

The thirteen accusations against Governor Blagojevich include plotting to give financial assistance to the Tribune Co. only if members of the Chicago Tribune editorial board were fired, awarding state contracts or permits in exchange for campaign contributions, violating hiring and firing laws and of course who can forget his trying to auction off Barack Obama's Senate seat... But he's done nothing wrong...

The prosecutions case against Blago included the now infamous wiretaps, the ridiculous 'quote boards' you can see above and perhaps most bizarrely; the revelation that Blagojevich and his aides agreed to pay $2.6 million for doses of a European flu vaccine that never arrived since they were banned by the Food and Drug Administration...

...I fucking love this guy!

28th January

For PETA's Sake

Animal rights activists PETA, (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) or PFTETOA if we're nitpicking, not quite as catchy is it?, have done what they do best and stirred up more controversy through one of their ads.

Fair play to them, they certainly know how to get the media in a flap and thus generate mass interest in themselves and their cause, but this time network bigwigs at NBC have put their foot down.

Clearly still reeling from Janet Jackson's nipple drawing a bigger crowd than her brother has in years, network execs have banned PETA's Superbowl ad named 'Veggie Love' because it "depicts a level of sexuality exceeding [their] standards". Yet no one batted an eyelid when PETA subjected us to a naked Dennis Rodman poster.

The ad claims, in a tongue in cheek (no pun intended) way that vegetarians make better lovers and encourages viewers to ditch the meat. Sadly the ad will now not make the airwaves, although as you can imagine, it's already become an internet smash.

According to PETA, NBC issued a long list of cuts they could make to get the ad broadcast, these included removing the following scenes; "rubbing pelvic region with pumpkin", "screwing herself with broccoli", "licking eggplant", and "asparagus on her lap appearing as if it is ready to be inserted into vagina."

...Sounds more like one of Gordon Ramsey's dirty weekends with Sarah Symonds to me.

You can view PETA's fruity ad here;

27th January

E.T-ory

David Cameron today said he "was convinced" the Earth had been visited by aliens.

And he vowed to publish any secret files that may exist on UFOs if he becomes prime minister.

Speaking at one of his regular Cameron Direct meetings, at which he takes questions from the public, the Conservative leader promised to be "entirely open and frank" about what the Government knows about close encounters.

"It is certainly not something that any Government should seek to hide from anyone" said Cameron.

He might be right, there have been sightings of a slimy creature with large bug-like black eyes and a fowl smell hovering round Parliament.

I just wish Tony Blair had admitted why he kept John Prescott in office for so long.

26th January

Do You Smell What The Rourke Is Cooking?

Not content with his OSCAR-nominated performance as a wrestler in the critically acclaimed Darren Aronofsky film 'The Wrestler', Mickey Rourke is reportedly heading back to the squared circle...

...However this time it will be in a WWE ring.

Rourke has apparently struck a deal with WWE Chairman Vince McMahon to appear at Wrestlemania on April 5th. This year's renewal of WWE's flagship pay per view event will be the 25th anniversary, so it makes sense that McMahon will want to pull out all the stops.

Previous Wrestlemanias have seen a veritable smorgasbord of celebrities making appearances both in and out of the ring. Floyd Mayweather Jr. battled the Big Show last year and in the mid-nineties NFL legend Lawrence Taylor took on the late Bam Bam Bigelow.

Rourke recently called out the WWE's pantomime villain Chris Jericho commenting; "...You better get in shape... Because I’m coming after your ass." as well as revealing he'd been discussing the transition from the big screen to the ring with legendary wrestler and star of cult film 'They Live' Rowdy Roddy Piper.

One thing's for sure, given the mainstream media's disdain for the WWE and wrestling in general, these rumours are probably doing Rourke's OSCAR chances no good at all. We've already seen with Eddie Murphy in 2007 that other projects can affect the Academy's voting, when they allegedly snubbed Murphy for 'Dreamgirls' due to the wart on the penis of cinema that was 'Norbit'.

If any of you are wondering what a Rourke-Jericho match-up would look like, imagine Michelle Heaton from 'Celebrity Big Brother' squaring up to Corey Taylor from Slipknot.

25th January

Tabs Keeping Tabs on Ross

I think it's safe to say that the witch hunt against Jonathan Ross is never going to end.

Every thing this man says and does while broadcasting is going to be put under the microscope, taken out of all context and blown completely out of proportion...

...At least until the media and the toilet paper we call newspapers in this country find something new to whip up levels of hatred with using their borderline propaganda reporting that Hitler himself would be proud of.

I plodded downstairs this morning bleary-eyed and as I tucked into my cereal took a look at the front page of the Screws of the World and who's grinning mug was I presented with; my old friend Wossy.

See it's not just the PC brigade at the venom-spewing Daily Mail, even the dirtsheets have now cottoned on to the fact that stirring up controversy shifts units of their sorry excuse for journalism, sordid little rag.

The utter hypocrisy of the NOTW is mind-blowing, they're attacking Ross for an alleged 'sex slur' on his Radio 2 show yesterday morning, with their pathetic little bleeding heart argument that children may have been listening.

First of all; how many kids do you know who listen to Radio 2? Unless their parents are trying to put them to sleep by making them listen to Wogan of course. Secondly, knowing what Jonathan Ross is like and especially given the recent uproar over his actions on the radio, what kind of parent would allow their innocent little cherub to listen to Ross' show?

Lest we forget this is the same newspaper that nine issues out of ten has the word SEX plastered across the front of it in bold 72 point font every week as it adorns the shelves of newsagents across the country.

An odd child may have heard Ross' show but you can guarantee that more parents had to explain what sex was to their precious babies this weekend after they got an eyeful of the newspaper stand at their local supermarket/newsagents as they went to buy a tube of Smarties.

And for a newspaper so offended by sex, it's funny how they managed to squeeze two pairs of naked breasts and six women in bikinis/underwear into their first forty pages.

The remarks that have caused such outrage among the clearly sensitive folks over at the Screws came when longtime Ross producer Andy Davies made a remark about an old woman who lives in the Spanish village he resides in. Davies claimed that whenever she sees him she tries to kiss him and Ross' response that was so offensive it warranted a front page story? I'm going to quote it verbatim;

"Eighty [years old], oh God. I think you should, just for charity. Give her one last night, will you? One last night before the grave. Would it kill you?"

Well lock that man up and throw away the key.

In answer to my previous question about the kind of parent who would listen to Ross with their kids; step forward Tory MP David Davies who is quoted as saying; "On Radio 2 you don’t expected X-rated references to sex, and especially sex with an 80-year-old, during the day... I was listening with my kids to this."

X-rated!? Well, I suppose to a Tory that is X-rated. The supposedly intelligent MP went onto say; "It could also be highly offensive to this woman if she’s a real person." If!? How do you call for someone's head on the grounds of if? Something's either offensive or it isn't.

According to the News of the World, the woman Davies referred to is real and has Alzheimers and they have her name, which they refuse to print in order to respect her privacy, how thoughtful of them.

That's just as thoughtful as those in the media who decided to defend Andrew Sachs' relationship with his granddaughter by revealing to him she was in a sex troupe called the Satanic Sluts.

Every time I turn on the TV or open a newspaper I'm in awe of just how far gone this country is, this latest farcical 'journalism' comes on the back of the Daily Express this week managing to sandwich in between ten stories about Princess Diana, a story claiming Chris Moyles was causing offence to Auschwitz victims' families by joking that most of the episodes of BBC's 'Who Do You Think You Are?' involve a visit to the former Nazi death camp.

It's a tough call between whether or not these newspapers are just cynically trying to sell more copies through these inane witch hunts or if it's jealousy within certain circles of the press that the like of Ross and Moyles get paid more and enjoy greater success than the majority of these filth-pedalling hack journalists.

Whatever the reasoning behind these increasingly desperate attempts to whip up an angry mob, hopefully the majority of people in Britain will see through the bullshit and form their own opinions and not just jump on the next bandwagon that rolls along...

...It's nice to dream.

22nd January

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

President Barack Obama, man it feels good typing that, has retaken the US presidential oath, in light of the inauguration stumble on Tuesday.

This rare occurence came after the much-noticed stumble during Tuesday's gargantuan inauguration coverage, when Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts made a mistake, transposing some of the words of the oath - which prompted Obama to stop mid-sentence when he realised the blunder.

Chief Justice Roberts delivered this repeat of the oath to Obama at the White House with no cameras and little press.

"We decided that because it was so much fun ...," Obama joked to reporters. Roberts then put on his black robe and asked "Are you ready to take the oath?". "Yes, I am," Obama replied. "And we're going to do it very slowly."

Roberts then led Obama through the oath for a second time without any mistakes.

The U.S. constitution is clear about the exact wording of the oath and as a result, some experts have said that a repetition was probably unnecessary, but also could not hurt.

This isn't the first time the oath has had to be retaken, in 2001 George W. Bush had to retake it four times before he got it right; the first time he started gigling mid-way through, the second time he got distracted by something shiny and the third time he broke off mid-sentence to start a war...

22nd January

OSCARS are for Weiners

Nominations for the 81st Academy Awards were announced today;

What!? No 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua'!?

Below are the main categories;

Film

The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

Frost/Nixon

Milk

The Reader

Slumdog Millionaire

Actor

Richard Jenkins - The Visitor

Frank Langella - Frost/Nixon

Sean Penn - Milk

Brad Pitt - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Mickey Rourke - The Wrestler

Actress

Anne Hathaway - Rachel Getting Married

Angelina Jolie - Changeling

Melissa Leo - Frozen River

Meryl Streep - Doubt

Kate Winslet - The Reader

Supporting Actor

Josh Brolin - Milk

Robert Downey Jr. - Tropic Thunder

Philip Seymour Hoffman - Doubt

Heath Ledger - The Dark Knight

Michael Shannon - Revolutionary Road

Supporting Actress

Amy Adams - Doubt

Penélope Cruz - Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Viola Davis - Doubt

Taraji P. Henson - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Marisa Tomei - The Wrestler

Director

David Fincher - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Ron Howard - Frost/Nixon

Gus Van Sant - Milk

Stephen Daldry - The Reader

Danny Boyle - Slumdog Millionaire

It's nice to see 'Frost/Nixon' and 'The Wrestler' getting plenty of recognition and to see Ledger in there for Supporting Actor but the rest just bore me, it's the same old crap from the Academy, where the fuck's 'Wall*E'!?

It's clear the Weinsteins have been sending out some pretty juicy fruit baskets this year, now this might just be my ignorance and purile mind here, but all I know about 'The Reader' is that Kate Winslet gets her wabs out and all I know about 'Vicky Cristina Barcelona' is that it involves a Scarlett Johansson-Penolope Cruz three-way.

And Philip Seymour Hoffman again? My God this guy gets nominated every year, I know he's a brilliant actor, but come on, his only movie of the year could be a viral video of him felating himself and he'd still get nominated.

'Dark Knight' fanboys are already up in arms and threatening self harm over Batman's snub for best picture, but what did they expect? This is the same Academy that gave 'Shakespeare In Love' best film over 'Saving Private Ryan'. Hell they should count themselves lucky that Ledger got his, albeit extremely deserved, nod.

With Hugh Jackman (really?) hosting over Jon Stewart, I may just give the whole pompous, Hollywood love fest a miss this year. The whole thing is starting to leave a nasty taste in my mouth...

...A bit like Philip Seymour Hoffman in his next film.

20th January

Brook Off

Kelly Brook's stint as a judge on 'Britain's Got Talent' has lasted about as long as a Pele erection.

It's been revealed that the almighty Cowell has already axed Brook as the fourth judge on the new series of the hit talent show, after just six days on the job.

The reported reason for Brook's shit-canning is that having four judges was just too "complicated" and if you believe that, you'll believe anything; having four judges on 'X Factor' and 'American Idol' clearly doesn't bother the Cowell so why 'BGT'?

Brook is said to be "stunned" by the decision to drop her from the show but I'm still "stunned" they hired her in the first place. What discernable talent does Kelly Brook actually have? Are large breasts a talent? She's a model, get her on the judging panel on 'Top Model' or 'Project Runway'. Sure she claims to be a presenter, remember 'The Big Breakfast'? More press on her breasts than her presenting skills (or lack therefore of) Actress? Have you seen 'Three'? Notable for one thing; Kelly Brook going topless.

It wouldn't surprise me for this to have all been a publicity stunt cleverly orchestrated by Cowell to get the media buzzing about 'BGT's return. If it was; mission accomplished.

Maybe Cowell just wanted to send out the message that there's only room for one feminine, make-up wearing, perma-tanned, image obsessed, preening egomaniac on the judging panel...

...And he's not about to let anyone steal his limelight.

19th January

Bitches & Hobos

Sporting a Jack Bauer circa Day 2 beard, Hollywood whackjob Joaquin Phoenix has given 'fans' in Las Vegas a sneak peak at some of the material from his forthcoming rap album.

Phoenix announced his retirement from cinema in October and in the subsequent months fears have been expressed for both his mental and physical well-being.

The Oscar-nominated star was the hottest thing in Hollywood after his performance as Johnny Cash in 'Walk The Line' but his latest creative venture has seen him following in the footsteps of another musical legend... William Shatner.

Shatner's rap album was the musical equivalent of having your ears syringed with a blow torch, but will Phoenix fair any better? On this evidence; err... No.

Phoenix meandered his way around stage at the weekend in front of an unenthused audience and performed three tracks off his 'new joint'. To cap off the disastrous performance, the bedragled former actor fell off stage as he finished the performance.

Phoenix's brother in-law Casey Affleck, of Ben Affleck's brother fame, reportedly captured the whole debacle on camera for a documentary he's making on Phoenix's struggles in the hip-hop game.

Of his music, which is reportedly being produced by P. Diddy or whatever he's calling himself these days, Phoenix recently said; "Are there people out there who think I'm a joke? I'm sure there will be. Are there people who think it's going to suck? Probably..."

Probably!? You know, I think people may be right; this guy's fucking nuts!

18th January

The Notorious S.T.A.B.

'Notorious' is supposed to be a tribute to the life of slain rapper The Notorious B.I.G, and if the premiere's official after-party is to act as any indication; they've done a stellar job.

Police say four men were stabbed at a New York City nightclub advertising the "official" after-party for the premiere of the biopic.

One man, a 21-year-old victim stabbed numerous times, remains in critical condition, while three other men are stable.

The club in question; The Djumbala, is in the Canarsie section of Brooklyn about three miles from the rapper's former home.

It's sad really that even a tribute to Biggie's life manages to descend into the same mindless violence that cost him his life in the first place.

Police are yet to release any further information, but not since Russell Crowe's last release has a premiere ended in such violence.

15th January

Break's Over

Mercifully, it's over for 'Prison Break'.

The current fourth season of the show will be it's last, Fox President of Entertainment Kevin Reilly has announced.

The show, which has been hemorrhaging viewers all season has been past it's best for a while now.

You can catch up on an in-depth analysis of where it all went wrong for Linc, Michael, T-Bag and the rest of the gang in my TV blog here; http://tvornottv-gb.blogspot.com/

The final six episodes of the show will begin airing in the Spring on Fox in the States and on Sky1 in the UK.

Make no mistake, I've been a massive 'Prison Break' fan from the start, I caught an episode of season 1 when I was in New York in 2005 and from that moment I was hooked, and in spite of the show's declining quality these days, no one can take away that genius first season they gave us.

So anyone upset by this news; instead of mourning this once great show, why not stick on your season 1 DVD and remember the glory days...

Because, honestly, the way things have been going, this is the best thing that could've happened to 'Prison Break'.

14th January

Sy-nfeld?

'Heroes' villain Sylar, played by the ultra-creepy Zachary Quinto is set to meet his real father when the show returns from it's mid-season break.

Sylar's pops will be played by John Glover, who played Lionel Luthor in 'Smallville'.

However, Sylar almost had an altogether more eccentric Father in the shape of 'Seinfeld' star Michael Richards.

It's been reported that Cosmo Kramer himself auditioned for the role of Sylar's Daddy and seriously impressed 'Heroes' and NBC bosses. In the end it didn't pan out though and Glover will now take on the role, robbing us of one of the most bizarre, yet genius, casting choices in the history of television.

In spite of the the sheer awesomeness that would have been Kramer as Sylar's Dad, it's probably a good thing that Richards didn't get the role given the fact that a lot of the Heroes seem to have inherited their abilities from their parents.

Sylar's already got that whole 'evil' act pretty much down, do we really need to see him start doing racist stand-up routines and threatening to hang hecklers upside down from trees with forks up their asses in addition to murdering them and cutting their heads open with his superpowers.

Let's keep this believable...

14th January

Trojan Horse

Good old Harry Potter himself Daniel Radcliffe had to change the name of the horse in his bestiality-tinged play 'Equus' when it transferred to Broadway from the West End, because it shared it's name with a condom brand... Who calls a horse durex anyway!?

In England, Potter, sorry, Radcliffe's horse was called Trojan, which also happens to be a brand of condoms in the States, but through his vast knowledge of US culture Radders knew they'd have to change the name for the play's run in New York.

The actor explained in an interview; "One of the horses in the show was called Trojan. I say, 'What's his name?' and the answer is 'Trojan... and you can stroke him'...We went into the rehearsal room, and I didn't feel that we could say that, because all the American tourists were laughing, so we decided to call it Hero."

...Oy, Potter, I'm pretty sure the Americans were laughing at you because you had your tallywhacker out on stage, Hogwarts and all, while you tried to sex up a horse.

10th January

Ronaldo Angle slammed

Former TNA heavyweight champion and Olympic gold medallist Kurt Angle has attacked Cristiano Ronaldo for crashing his £200,000 Ferrari this week.

Kurt spoke out against the winger by saying: “I should officially request that the British government detain Ronaldo for the time in which myself and the rest of the Main Event Mafia are in the city of Manchester for TNA's Maximum Impact Tour."

“His inability to drive, combined with his natural weakness as a soccer player, would make navigating the United Kingdom far too risky for an international celebrity such as myself with a pathetic fool like that out on the streets."

“Unlike Ronaldo or any other soccer player, I am recognized as international star both by the United Kingdom and the far more politically and economically important United States.”

“Because I will be flying into the Manchester Airport near the site of the crash, I can offer Ronaldo driving lessons in addition to giving him other tips on how to compose himself like a real sports star - the American way."

Yeah Cristiano, do what most American wrestlers do, pump yourself full of steroids and prescription drugs and die prematurely.

9th January

Not Palin Games Anymore...

Sarah Palin is in no way bitter about her disastrous role in the Presidential election... Honest.

John McCain's V.P. running mate vented her spleen this week calling the media coverage of her and her family "very scary"... Tell me about it; no real family is that right-wing, I had nightmares about them shooting gays and women who have abortions and mounting their heads on Palin's office wall.

The Alaska Governor also slammed CBS' Katie Couric over the infamous interview in which Palin came across less prepared than Guy Goma when he stumbled into BBC News 24. Palin said of Couric; "Katie you're not the centre of everyone's universe." Pot, kettle, black, Palin... And don't try and blame Couric for making you look stupid, you don't need any help in that department, you're doing a stellar job all by yourself.

Palin's comments came as part of an interview with John Ziegler, a conservative radio host/filmmaker who was trying to promote the upcoming release 'Media Malpractice: How Obama got Elected'. Media Malpractice? Every time I turned on my TV I was seeing clips of the 24 hour networks branding Obama all the 'ists'; a terrorist, an elitist, a socialist, I wouldn't have been surprised to see Sean Hannity call him a rapist.

Oh, and "How Obama Got Elected"... By being the better candidate.

Amongst other things; Palin also complained about Tina Fey's portrayal of her on 'Saturday Night Live' - something she was so offended by that she went down to SNL and... appeared on the show.

Ziegler has stated that before the fifty minute sit-down interview, Palin had been concerned about coming across as "whiny". Why was she worried? Calling the media sexist and blaming everyone but herself for her numerous failings, how could anyone perceive that as "whiny"!?

9th January

Impeacher Man

The Illinois house has voted to impeach Governor Rod Blagojevich in an overwhelming landslide that makes John McCain's vote tally in the Presidential election look positively successful.

His impeachment required just 60 votes but the end result was 114 - 1, otherwise known as a Mugabe election. This unprecedented action will lead to a Senate trial on whether he should be axed from power, which could begin as early as next week.

As loyal Minty Pocket readers will know, the main accusation being thrown at Blagojevich is that he tried to auction off the departing Barack Obama's Senate seat to the highest bidder. Legislators have accused the second-term Governor of letting down the people of Illinois by letting his ego and ambition drive his decisions... Not to mention his bank account.

During the House's hour and a half long debate over the possible impeachment, no one spoke up to defend Blagojevich and the lone vote against impeaching the Governor surprisingly didn't come from his Mum. It was in fact Rep. Milton Patterson, who claimed he had "no knowledge" of any evidence to warrant an impeachment... Apart from those wiretaps of Blagojevich openly discussing his cunning plan of course.

Earlier this week, Blagojevich's selection for the Senate seat Roland Burris was turned away from the Senate and barred from his own swearing-in policy... How unfair, he paid good money for that seat!

Blagojevich continues to steadfastly deny the criminal charges and insists he has done nothing wrong, criticising the impeachment process as biased and claiming the Senate trial would produce a different result...

...Yes, 115 - 0.

7th January

Cage The Benevolent

Nicolas Cage was the recipient of some charity from a group of children after they mistook him for a penniless man due to a case of mistaken identity.

Cage, star of some of the 90's finest action films; 'Con Air', 'The Rock' and 'Face/Off' to name but a few, owns a £4million mansion in Bath, due to his love of all things Charles Dickens, and happened to be drinking in a local Starbucks recently at the same time as a film crew were filming there for 'Tonight With Trevor McDonald'.

When a group of children spotted the camera, they asked the crew if they were filming anyone famous, they were told that a reporter was being filmed who had been asked to live on nothing for two weeks for the show, and he was inside the shop trying to score a free coffee.

The kind-hearted children promptly ran inside and pounced on Cage forcing change on him and insisting; "You poor man, have some money". I want to live in Bath, if that had happened up north; the kids would have probably gone in there and knifed him.

Reports are putting this whole incident down to a case of mistaken identity, but I think these kids knew full well who Cage was, they've just seen his last three films...

'Next'... 'National: Treasure 2'... 'Bangkok Dangerous'... They didn't mistake him for someone else, they're fearing for his well-being, one more box office bomb and he'll be begging for coffee for real.

6th January

Merry Pissed-mas

Rip Torn, who played producer Artie on the brilliant 'Larry Sanders', as you can see above, has made a pretty impressive attempt to dethrone Michael Jackson as King of the celebrity mugshot.

Torn who currently stars in Tina Fey's '30 Rock' pleaded not guilty yesterday to charges stemming from his December 14th arrest for drink driving.

The actor, who is now the ripe old age of 77, was caught by cops back in December cruising down the hard shoulder(or 'breakdown lane' if you're reading this in America) of Route 44 with a Christmas Tree tied to his roof.

Police claim that Torn failed a field sobriety test, blaming the ground for being 'uneven', nice try Rip. This is not Torn's first run in with the law over drink driving offences; in 2007 he lost his license on a similar charge.

The actor is due back in court on January 28th. If he's found guilty and faces jail time, his name will have never been as apt...

...It'll be the perfect way of describing his ass.

5th January

Cops Lock

The Home Office have taken a page out of George W. Bush's paraniod playbook and granted UK Police the right to hack into personal computers without a court order.

Apparently this new measure has already been quietly adopted over the UK, to search the computers of those suspected of cyber-crime and paedophilia.

Does hacking into computers make the cops just as bad as the criminals they're so desperate to stop? The Police say no, insisting that this is a necessary means to deal with the hi-tech crime being perpetrated these days. Fight fire with even more morally ambiguous fire as they say.

Predictably human rights and privacy groups are up in arms over this move granting even greater powers to 'the man'.

"This is no different from breaking down someone's door, rifling through their paperwork and seizing their computer hard drive", was the cry from one of the opposers of this controversial decision.

He does have a point though, it'd be much easier to wait for the criminal's computer to break and when they take it in to the 'tech guys' at PC World, they can bust them then... That's how they got Gary Glitter.

The Police have confirmed that they have carried out 194 hacking operations in 2007 and 2008: 133 in private homes, 37 in offices and 24 in hotels...

...I'd better delete my collection of German midget scat porn I have on my computer in a file marked 'Trip to Disneyland' then...

4th January

Doctor Who?

The announcement of the eleventh Dr. Who yesterday made it clear that Russell T. Davies et al are content to keep the BBC's crown jewel swimming in a sea of mediocrity.

Matt Smith, no not the guy who hosts 'The Championship' on ITV, has been selected as the chosen one to take over from the departing David Tennant.

The little known actor has appearred on stage opposite the legendary Christian Slater as well as starring in a number of BBC productions. He also, for his sins, appearred in that gash call girl show that Billie Piper does for ITV.

It would be interesting to see how many people turned down the role before Smith, or if the young thespian was in fact first choice to play the Timelord.

Either way, had Davies and co. gone with an established name, new fans could've been drawn to the show, but with this bizarre casting decision, they are ensuring that 'Dr. Who' will remain a show that people either get, or they don't...

...And I have always been in the latter camp. Seriously, what's scary about a Dalek!?

3rd January

Celebrity Big Brother's Very Little Brother

After two year's hiatus following the race row of 2007, 'Celebrity Big Brother' returned last night and I think it's safe to say that Endemol and Channel 4 have a rat in their midst; as the housemates were the exact line-up that was revealed in the tabloids days earlier.

Disappointingly, it took away from the surprise of the entrance show, but there were plenty of moments last night to indicate that this could be another vintage run for CBB.

The first celebrity to enter the infamous house was LaToya Jackson, who it's nice to see not only shares a last name with Michael, but also a plastic surgeon. Jackson was followed in by Mutya Buena, formerly of the Sugababes, who looked like she'd skinned some obese Leopard to make her entrance outfit; I've always thought that Mutya's first name would be more apt if she dropped the 'y' and the 'a' from it.

Then came the moment that set the tone for the whole series, as Verne Troyer, very slowly made his way into the house. His struggle to reach the house felt like some sort of epic adventure, but the reaction he received from the crowd quickly made him an even shorter favourite to win the show with the bookies, who now have him as low as 5/4, which is incredible after less than 24 hours.

And I have to agree; this is Troyer's to lose now. Right or wrong, he's already got the sympathy vote from the ultra-PC British public who would keep a Holocaust denyer in that house if he had a disability. Exhibit A - that awful Mikey from the Summer, I'm not saying he's a Holocaust denyer, but sweet Moses is he a cunt.

While Mikey may have had the personality of pneumonia, his blindness ensured he managed to come second. Verne's height will inevitably give him a good run in the house, but his charisma and personality should help him coast to victory irrespective of whether he's smaller than one of Lucy Pinder's mammoth norks.

Verne may look like a testicle on legs but that man has squeezed enough excess into his dimunitive 40 years on this earth that he could put the Rolling Stones to shame. His appearance on VH-1's 'The Surreal Life' made his love of drink, drugs and women an endearing quality, as America fell in love with him as they watched him eat Sushi off a naked woman, down several cocktails, strip naked and ride his scooter round the house before crashing into a giant beachball and urinating in the living room.

We can only pray he recreates that performance on these shores, encouragingly, he is in the right place to do it. Other contestants on the show include my second favourite Coolio (is it wishful thinking for a Coolio-Verne final!?) the aforementioned Pinder, Michelle Heaton, who by all accounts could rival Verne in the unruly alcohol-fuelled behaviour stakes, Scottish politician and poor man's George Galloway, Tommy Sheridan, former boybander Ben Adams, Scouse actress Tina Malone, former 'Word' presenter Terry Christian and of course who could forget the woman who's had more celebrities in her than the Big Brother house itself; Ulrika Jonsson.

Even if this initial buzz fails to carry through for the full run of the show, and the British public inexplicably don't vote Verne Troyer the winner, at least we can take comfort in the one good thing that will inevitably come from this year's CBB; the return of 'Gangsta's Paradise' to the charts...

"As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... I take a look at my life..."

...Come on, you know the words...

3rd January 2009

Trials Manson

Shock-rocker Marilyn Manson is calling in an all-star list of witnesses for his upcoming trial.

The pasty former Brian Warner, is heading for a bitter court battle with former keyboardist Stephen Bier who is suing Manson for over $20 million, claiming that Manson siphoned off millions of dollars in band revenue.

Manson counter-sued Bier, claiming that his former keyboard-player didn't honour the terms of his contract and is nothing more than a disgruntled ex-employee. Manson's witness list looks set to include ex-wife Dita Von Teese and Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor.

Bier's claim is that Manson used band revenue to pay for personal items that allegedly included; "Nazi paraphernalia", drugs, Von Teese's engagement ring and the cost of Manson and Von Teese's 2005 wedding.

Bier is also claiming that Manson used some of the ill-gotten funds to decorate his mansion, which features a stuffed bear, two baboons and the skeleton of a four year old Chinese child...

...Sounds more like Michael Jackson's mansion.

30th December

An Affray To Remember

After his arrest in the early hours of Monday, Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard has been charged with assault and affray.

Doing his level best to perpetuate the scouse stereotype, Gerrard, along with five other men was arrested in Southport after an un-named man was admitted to hospital with facial injuries following the incident.

Gerrard's club Liverpool were quick to offer support for their star and the FA have issued a statement saying that his position with England will not be in jeopardy due to this unsavoury incident, adding that players would still be considered for their country until convicted of a serious crime...

Gerrard needn't worry, that incident with the mobile phone up the ass didn't slow Ashley Cole's career down.

Gerrard and two other men from Liverpool have been charged and released on bail to appear before Magistrates on 23rd January.

The ever-reliable tabloids are reporting that Gerrard could face up to five years in jail, I know his wife's a bit of a dick but this is a pretty extreme way of getting some time away from her...

...On the plus side though, at least the scallies who've been robbing Liverpool players while they're playing will think twice before hitting Gerro Slice's house now.

28th December

Fur-ious

Anti-fur protesters booed and hurled abuse at Welsh opera singer and all round hotty Katherine Jenkins as she arrived at the exorbitantly over-priced Harrods to officially open it's Winter sale.

Jenkins was drafted in after Leona Lewis backed out of opening the sale due to Harrods' policy to continue to sell fur. Protesters outside Mohammed Al Fayed's Knightsbridge store claimed that Harrods is the only major store in the country to sell imported fur, yelling "shame on Katherine" as the song bird arrived.

The boos and negative shouts were eventually drowned out by the sounds of cheers from bargain hungry shoppers, but one fur protester explained their actions; "We are gathered here today because of our disgust at Ms Jenkins who professes to be against animal cruelty and the fur trade".

While no one from Harrods would comment on the protests, Jenkins herself told reporters that she would never wear fur and as a vegetarian, meat would never pass her lips...

...Bad news for her boyfriend Gethin Jones.

24th December

Ahmadinejad's After Dinner Job

Whack-job Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is to deliver this year's Channel 4 alternative to the Queen's speech on Christmas Day.

This is the sixteenth year that Channel 4 have broadcast the alternative Christmas message but this year is the first time it won't be broadcast against the Queen's speech.

Ahmadinejad is supposedly set to tell viewers "that the general will of nations" is for a return to "human values". More importantly he's actually set to say that with a straight face; lest we forget this the same man who referred to the Holocaust as a "myth" and claimed in a speech in New York that Iran didn't have any homosexuals.

Ahmadinejad will join an eclectic list of people to have delivered the alternative message over the years, including; Sharon Osbourne, Ali G, Jamie Oliver and err... Marge Simpson. All of whom are more intelligent than this hate-spewing moron.

While Channel 4 should be ashamed of themselves for allowing this hate-filled little man air time, it does send a message to countries like Iran that while they may censor the media and repress freedom of speech, there are some countries that do not...

...even if the person speaking is a deluded, blinkered, irrational sorry excuse for a human being...

...that Marge Simpson didn't half talk some shit.

24th December

Judge and Fury...

Filming of the 'Strictly Come Dancing' Christmas Special had to be halted half way through after another balls up with the voting.

It all comes on the back of the voting fiasco that led to thousands of people complaining after eventual series winner Tom Chambers was allowed through to the final despite facing certain elimination in the semi-final.

I'm seriously starting to wonder if they've just got a bunch of chimps back there with an abacus working out the scores.

The Christmas Special which will air on Christmas Day was filmed on Monday and features the three finalists from this year; Lisa Snowdon, Rachel Stevens and that schmuck Chambers along with former contestants Jill Halfpenny, the brilliant Alesha Dixon and Kelly 'Look at me!' Brook.

After the dancing, the judge's scores left four of the couples; Rachel, Jill, Kelly and Alesha all tied at the top meaning that Lisa and Tom had no chance of winning even before the audience vote.

So while Bruce Forsyth sang to the understandably frustrated audience to keep them from leaving, which some did anyway, BBC bosses spent two hours coming up with a contingency plan. Eventually head judge Len Goodman ranked the four tying couples in order, which only adds further weight to the argument of why are the other three even there!?

It's just one final 2008 embarrasment for the BBC in what's been a rather bad year for the corporation.

'Strictly Come Dancing' hasn't had the best of years itself and I think wholesale changes are needed to the show's format next year if it is to even stand a chance of competing with the 'X Factor' juggernaut.

22nd December

Ron Squeal

Everyone's favourite porn star Ron Jeremy has reportedly been attacked at a restaurant in Hollywood.

Jeremy has starred in literally hundreds of porn films over the years, some of his highlights include; 'Madame Hiney: The Beverly Hills Butt Broker', the festive 'All I Want for Christmas Is a Gang-Bang' the epic 'San Fernando Jones & The Temple of Poon' and of course who can forget his finest directorial effort to date; 'Lesbian Ho'Down at the Bunnyranch'.

On Monday though, someone who obviously wasn't a fan of his work, angrily confronted, and subsequently attacked, the legendary mustachioed actor with pepper spray. His assailant, who is said to be a paparazzo, has since been arrested for criminal use of tear gas.

If this guy hated Ron Jeremy so much then surely he could have come up with a better way to hurt him... Spraying him in the face with something that smells funny and stings if you get it in your eye; that's just another day at the office for Ron Jeremy.

19th December

License To Ill-inois

Lego-haired Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has hit out at the "political lynch mob" out to force him out of his job.

In concrete proof of his unmitigated gall, Blagojevich came out today and stated; "I will fight. I will fight. I will fight until I take my last breath. I have done nothing wrong..."

Err... Rod, now I don't pretend to have some fancy pants law degree, but what about the wire taps of you trying to auction off Barack Obama's Senate seat while swearing like a dirty coal miner...?

Blagojevich had reportedly been "itching to talk" since he was arrested last week. That's probably the hives he's got, you know, on account of all the lying.

Blagojevich, who is facing the unenviable prospect of being impeached, today asked Illinoisans to "sit back and take a deep breath, and please reserve judgment." adding; "Afford me the same rights that you and your children have - the presumption of innocence, the right to defend yourself."

Surely it would be a lot easier for the people of Illinois to do that, if there wasn't RECORDED CONVERSATIONS OF YOU DOING THE THINGS THAT YOU'RE DENYING!

19th December

Baked Alaska

Remember Levi Johnston...? Of course you don't, the election's over now.

Well get ready to reacquaint yourself with the little scallywag because he's back in the news.

Levi Johnston of course, is the randy little devil who got Sarah Palin's in-no-way slutty daughter Bristol pregnant at eighteen. You gotta feel for the guy really; just when the media start to leave him alone... His Mother gets hauled in on drug charges.

As if fathering yet another Palin baby wasn't bad enough, Johnston now has to deal with the fall out of his Mother being charged with second-degree misconduct involving a controlled substance and fourth-degree misconduct involving controlled substances, or possession.

Sherry Johnston was charged by Alaskan State Troopers and released on $5,000 bond... Those State Troopers better watch themselves given Sarah Palin's track record...

A Palin spokesperson commented that this incident was; "...not a state government matter. Therefore the governor's communications staff will not be providing comment or scheduling interview opportunities."

How refreshing is that? Even after all the media attention and such a high profile campaign, Sarah Palin hasn't changed a bit.

19th December

Bring on the Winehouse!

Amy Winehouse apparently has an addiction to the cult BBC1 game show Hole In The Wall.

The show stars a collection of desperate Z-listers facing a foam partition that races towards them at an alarming speed.

The contestants are dressed in hideous skin-tight foil body suits.

A skin tight foil suit; the perfect gift for your favourite heroin addict this Christmas.

The show’s team captains Darren Gough and Anton Du Beke are joined by two celebrity guests each week.

All six have to contort themselves into a series of ridiculous positions in a bid to fit through holes cut into the giant foam wall.

If they don’t make the right shape the advancing obstruction pushes them into a pool of cold water behind them.

Apparently she’s even approached producers about taking part.

Old Wino would probably be the shows best ever contestant.

One little injection and she’ll think she'll be able to run though any wall.

18th December

Nice bags

A clothing company must pay $40,000 in damages for distributing bags showing a nude image of Carla Bruni-Sarkozy.

The photo dates from France's First Lady's modelling days.

She was seeking $125,000 in damages from clothing vendor Pardon, which distributed the bags to its clients.

Pardon says it will appeal today’s ruling, handed down by a court on the French Indian Ocean island of Reunion, where the company is based.

The firm is promising to destroy the 5,500 Bruni bags it has left.

Shame.

It’s thought the firm won’t stop there though and might knock up some nude pictures of our last two “first ladies” Cherie Blair and current incumbent Sarah Brown.

Although that would have a disastrous affect on the already lifeless economy.

But Michelle Obama on the other hand…

18th December

Captain plantpots

Uri Geller and his best friend Michael Jackson have apparently teamed up to save the planet.

Not as crime fighting superheroes but by recording subliminal messages.

Wacko and the bender now want to place uplifting messages on selected singles.

They hope it will penetrate people’s subconscious calling on people to think positively in a bid to end recession.

The bad news is there have hardly been any takers.

All they have to do now is just get a couple of billion people to buy Mallet and Van Day’s Biff Baff Boff and we’ll all be spending again.

17th December

A-Ross-ted Development

Jonathan Ross came in from the cold today to hold talks with BBC bosses for the first time since he was sent into exile by the corporation in October.

It is believed that Ross' Friday night talk show and his Radio 2 show will now come under intense scrutiny for anything that might be deemed risque, controversial or by the sounds of it; funny.

Ross is expected to be banned from swearing, being obscene and making lewd innuendo with his guests... So basically anything that makes him Jonathan Ross, and no one wants to see that; we already have a painfully unfunny Ross thank you, his name's Paul.

Ross' TV and radio shows are both due back on the air the weekend of the 23rd January but insiders fear that this Stalinist censorship could crush him and turn him into a shadow of his former self.

Nice going BBC, if I wanted to watch a humourless second-rate chat show fronted by someone with a silly voice, incapable of making me laugh, I'd watch 'The Charlotte Church Show'.

17th December

What A Kon...

Rapper and producer of the moment Akon has pleaded guilty to harassment over a charge he threw a teenage fan off stage into the crowd at a gig in New York last summer.

A female fan, Abby Rosa, claimed to have suffered a concussion after Akon, or Aliaune Dmala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam, to give him his Sunday name, threw a fifteen year old boy into the crowd.

Witnesses at the gig said that someone in the crowd threw something at Akon whilst he was performing, he then had the crowd point the culprit out and a security guard dragged the guilty party on stage. Akon is then said to have lifted the boy onto his shoulders before tossing him into the crowd, where he somehow managed to strike Rosa, administering a concussion.

Akon has been fined $250 and will have to face 65 hours community service.

Akon should be thankful it wasn't a gig over here in merry old England, because you can guarentee if he'd had something thrown at him here, it would have been a cup of urine...

16th December

Clitalia...

I usually leave football to Sam's weekly blog ...But this was just too good to over look;

The President of Italian side Napoli, Aurelio De Laurentiis has taken a novel approach to try and stop his players leaving for England.

A number of clubs have been linked with Napoli's rising stars, including Chelsea, who have been casting their eye over Ezequiel Lavezzi and Marek Hamsik.

Angry at the speculation linking his young stars with English clubs, De Laurentiis launched a verbal tirade against life in England, ranting;

"If they want to go to England then in the end they're going to go, but they need to understand this: the English live badly, eat badly and their women do not wash their genitalia. To them, a bidet is a mystery."

Ok, first of all, ask any English girl what a bidet is and I'm pretty sure they'll tell you it's the day you celebrate your birth. Mystery solved.

...And second; when did the President of Napoli come to Burnley?

16th December

Strictly Some Refunding

The trained chimps over at 'Strictly Come Dancing' have now done a dramatic u-turn and announced that refunds will be given to people who voted on Saturday's non vote-off should they request it.

Why the sudden change of heart? It may have something to do with 1800 people complaining, you know how the BBC get about complaints... I'm surprised they haven't suspended Bruce Forsyth yet.

The BBC have called Saturday's fiasco "unforgivable" but categorically deny that the show was fixed, Head of Entertainment Production John Beazley blamed the fact that "nobody had planned for the exceptional circumstances of a tie at the top of the leaderboard."

Exceptional circumstances!? There are three people left, all of whom are very good dancers, I think the possibility of a tie at this stage wouldn't be classed as "exceptional circumstances".

Exceptional circumstances would be if Elvis Presley got up out of his grave, wandered into the Strictly studio and breathed some personality into Rachel Stevens or if Tom Chambers managed to get through an entire show without coming across like the smug, arrogant bell-end he quite blatantly is.

Meanwhile, toilet brush haired judge Craig Revel-Horwood has told viewers to "get over it". Rich, coming from the man who was still mouthing off to The Daily Hate Mail about John Sergeant quitting the show last week... Almost a month after it happened.

Speaking of Sergeant, the only thing worth watching this weekend's final for now is his appearance and the prospect he may recreate my TV highlight of the year;

14th December

Who Throws A Shoe? Honestly!

Talk about kicking a man when he's down... sort of.

Still President George W. Bush almost tasted an Iraqi journalist's boots on a surprise visit to Iraq, the only thing is; they weren't on his feet.

During a live news conference, the journalist stood up, referred to Bush as "a dog" and threw both shoes at the shocked President, narrowly missing his head. Although how much damage they would have actually done to Bush's cranium is debatable.

Bush was in Iraq to sign a new security agreement between the two countries, although as you may expect; the shoe-throwing incident has kind of overshadowed what will probably be Bush's farewell visit to Iraq.

Bush is said to have joked; "All I can report is a size 10" after the incident, which saw the offending journalist wrestled to the floor and forcibly removed from the news conference. It's not quite Kennedy in Dealey Plaza is it?

It does all make me wonder though how it's taking so long to secure victory in Iraq; given that marksmanship clearly isn't Iraq's strong suit. Is this the best they have to offer; a guy who couldn't even hit one of the slowest men on the planet at point blank range... with a shoe.

Bush can be seen on video afterwards saying that his attacker "drew attention" to himself through the incident. Yes, he drew attention to the fact that he's more incompetent than one of Dr. Evil's henchmen... Nice work.

You can view the video of Bush's surprisingly quick reflexes here;

14th December

St-rigged-ly Come Dancing

The BBC's Saturday night ratings grabber spat in the face of all it's viewers and in particular those people who actually pick up the phone and vote last night. Sadly, I'm not referring to the genius 'Hole In The Wall', I'm talking about the increasingly lame 'Strictly Come Dancing'.

At the end of the first show of last night's live semi-final, Rachel Stevens and Lisa Snowdon and their professional partners found themselves joint top of the judges' leader board leaving 'Holby City' asswipe Tom Chambers languishing at the bottom. The result meant that no matter what happened in the public vote; Chambers would have been in the dreaded dance off.

So how did the Beeb handle this...? By making a complete mockery of the hard work put in by the celebrities and their professional partners and wasting the time and money of the loyal viewers who have stuck with the show in spite of 'X Factor' clearly being more interesting and, I hate to say it, entertaining this year. The producers on Strictly inexplicably decided to put all three contestants through to the show's final next weekend.

It makes me wonder if Robert Mugabe is actually claiming an executive producer credit on Strictly, Tom Chambers is in a BBC show and he was bottom of the leader board and would almost certainly have been eliminated and we can't have that can we!? I understand that the BBC are ultra-cautious these days in the wake of OFCOM phone voting scandals and the whole Russell Brand/Jonathan Ross fiasco but there were so many ways they could have handled this that wouldn't have been a slap in the face of their viewers.

If producers had been on the ball, and honest, they could have told people not to vote for Chambers as it wouldn't matter, before lines opened. Even when they failed to do that, they could have closed his line and refunded any money wasted on the actor. Clearly as this didn't suit their agenda they just moved the goalposts and gave a big "fuck you" to the viewers.

While the BBC was manipulating their audience, over on 'X Factor' ITV were proving that they are in fact capable of holding a democratic vote and my faith in the British public was restored, at least until next week when they crown that dickweed Chambers or ice queen Rachel Stevens as Strictly champion.

I had been convinced for most of the day, after reading reports about colour-coded boyband JLS' surge in popularity, that Alexandra Burke was going to be robbed of the 'X Factor' glory she thoroughly deserved. Alas, intelligence did rule over stupidity and the only real talent in the competition was victorious. The majority of the morons who didn't support Alexandra, mainly the type of idiots who think that Diana Vickers is "quirky" and "unique", argued that she was too similar to Leona Lewis who won the show two years ago.

If you ask me, and I don't claim to have the vast musical knowledge of Dannii Minogue or Cheryl Cole (psst Cole; Blondie isn't 'disco'), Alexandra's potential has no limits, when Leona was on 'X Factor' she was shy and timid, and now look at her; she's a global superstar. Alexandra is already a confident, accomplished performer and in my opinion, with the same coaching and opportunities offered to Leona, Alexandra can be even more successful than Simon Cowell's prized possession...

...Then again you could find her down your local Butlins with Steve Brookstein and Michelle McManus this time next year...

12th December

Finger lickin' good

The star of top German TV show The Farmer Wants A Wife has been accused by animal rights charity Peta of sexually abusing his chickens.

Seventy-one-year-old nudist Hansi was shown using his finger to sexually stimulate his female birds on the final episode, broadcast on Monday night to 8.6million viewers.

He explained: “I do what the cockerel would usually do, only with my finger. It is like an orgasm for the chicken.”

Just look at him, Hansi Heffner and his Poultry Mansion.

The gruff farmer added: “Hansi is always happy when the chickens are happy.”

A Peta spokesperson told German newspaper Bild “This behaviour is an offence and is not acceptable.”

The pressure group also lodged an official complaint.

Hansi – famed for walking around in nothing but his wellies – has become an unlikely TV hero in Germany.

He was looking for a new bride after his nudism caused first wife Elsa, 71, to leave him.

She said: “When I found out that he regularly went to nudist beaches, I divorced him.”

But an unrepentant Hansi claims: “My wife was such a prude. She wouldn’t do the gardening topless even once and she drank too much for my liking.

“So I just looked at the naked ladies on the beach instead!”

If we all lived to Hani’s rules I think we’d all be single. Nice thought though.

Although thinking about it topless gardening would make a good telly show, better than X Factor on a Saturday night anyway.

The Farmer Wants A Wife, based on an old British TV series, involved nine men looking for Mrs Right.

Unsurprisingly Hansi’s search was one of the five that failed – with his choice of lady, Marianne, walking off after seeing his chicken-pleasuring routine.

That’s the strangest bit of foreplay I’ve ever heard of.

12^th December

Roy Chubby Frown

Roy Chubby Brown stormed off stage just four minutes into a gig last night, after a run-in with a heckler.

The controversial comic almost sparked a riot among the 3,000 fans at Glasgow’s Clyde Auditorium when it was announced he would not be returning to the stage.

Problems had started from the very start of the show, when the crowd complained about the sound, claiming they couldn’t hear the gags.

But when the 63-year-old comic cracked a joke about the Mumbai terrorist attacks, one heckler started complaining loudly.

According to the Glasgow Daily Record, Brown snapped and said: ‘F*** off, I'm away’ before storming offstage. An announcement then told the crowd the gig had been cancelled.

It was the second show in a row that the comedian – real name Royston Vasey – had been heckled from the Glasgow audience. On Tuesday night, 16 people were thrown out by bouncers for giving him abuse.

For a man that calls himself a “fat bastard” you’d think he’d have developed a thicker skin.

One poster on a “Chubby” message board thanked him for the funniest four minutes of their lives.

Which is funny because he normally reserves his funniest four minutes for his wife.

12th December

Car-tastrophe

The $9billion rescue plan for U.S. carmakers has collapsed in the Senate after a union refused to take a pay cut.

The cross-party deal to rescue 'The Big 3' of GM, Ford and Chrysler had been passed by the House of Representatives on Wednesday night.

The Republicans left the table though after they refused to bailout the auto industry unless the Auto Workers union agreed to cut wages next year. The deal had reportedly been extremely close to completion but imploded at the last minute.

Senate Majority leader Harry Reid spoke of his disappointment about the demise of the bailout and said that he "dreads" looking at Wall Street today adding that it won't be a "pleasant sight".

In these times of economic despair, it's comforting to know that we've got an articulate, intelligent, hard-working intellectual in The White House who can manage these crises and hopefully steer the U.S. out of these troubled waters...

...Shit, that's right Bush is still President, ah, and there he is... And what's that he's doing? Working round the clock to halt the economic downturn? Meeting with World leaders to try and beat the global credit crunch? ...No, he's dropping it like it's hot...

11th November

What A Blag...

Corruption and U.S. politics seem to go hand in hand these days, and thank God it does, because if it didn't then the likes of Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and on a much smaller scale, us here at The Minty Pocket, well, our lives would be a lot harder.

But rejoice, because in another vintage week for corruption and U.S. politics, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on Tuesday on charges that he tried to sell off President-elect Barack Obama's Senate seat to the highest bidder.

Yet in spite of this, Governor Blagojevich has thus far ignored calls for his resignation, despite the Illinois Attorney-General threatening him with a lawsuit declaring him "unable to serve", and bizarrely continues to have the power to appoint Obama's replacement - ain't America brilliant!?

Following his arrest, Blagojevich was subsequently released on bond, and with his lawyers insisting he is innocent, brazenly turned up for work Wednesday.

Departing Senator Barack Obama, whose Senate seat Blagojevich tried to auction off ebay style, could obviously bite his tongue no longer and has today come out and thrown his considerable weight behind the calls for Blagojevich's head, as well as distancing himself and his staff from any involvement in this developing scandal. Obama concluded that he was "appalled and disappointed" by Blagojevich's actions.

Whether Blagojevich is innocent or not really isn't really an issue, the wiretaps that prosecutors released on Tuesday of him detailing exactly how he planned to auction off Obama's seat using language that wouldn't have been out of place in a Tarantino movie, pretty much put the kibosh on any reasonable doubt there my have been over his guilt...

...The big question now is how long he's going to have spend making sure he doesn't drop the soap in the shower.

10th December

"At least we'll always have a tent over our heads..."

Jordan has continued her war of words with Kerry Katona – saying her former pal will end up broke, childless and living in a tent.

Taking exception to recent criticism from Kerry and husband Mark Croft, the glamour girl has hit back by supporting Kerry’s ex Brian McFadden in his custody battle saying; “I’m sure Brian will get custody of those kids.”

She also added; “When her Iceland deal goes, I’ll wave at them in their tent because that’s the way they’re heading.”

Who needs a tent…I’m sure one of Kerry’s old dresses would be more suited.

In fact they’re so spacey it could be a six manner. Or a Danni Minogue as it’s known in the trade.

10th December

The war of the gimps

X Factor’s Eoghan Quigg was last night branded a gimp by his “love rival”.

Spurned Chris Jones hit back after his ex Diana Vickers had a tearful hug with the battered looking schoolboy during her final appearance on Saturday’s show.

Writing on Facebook he said: “I know the gimp. They’re just best mates. Nothing’s going on at all.”

Quite a fair assessment…well until he gets to the bit about Eoghan keeping it in his trousers.

Although come on mate, whatever happened to a good old cunt jibe?!

But if Eoghan is a gimp…what does that make Diana? Or that lad for actually bothering to call him a gimp?

I’ll let you decide.

The badly dressed Irish kid apparently plans to visit the pasty blonde in Blackburn. But a pal of Chris said: “Eoghan can go on about Diana as much as he likes — it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.”

As Harry Hill would say; There’s only one way to find out… FIGHT.

8th December

Ebayrack Obama...

Barack Obama is high among America's top pop culture obsessions that turned into possessions in 2008, according to online market place eBay.

"When someone or something excites the American public, you immediately see a surge of related listings pop up on eBay," said Karen Bard, eBay's pop culture expert.

In a historic presidential election year, Barack Obama was the clear front-runner on eBay as well as with U.S. voters, winning the November election and to become the first U.S. black president.

The Web site saw an active trade in Obama posters, coins, action figures and even the odd lunchbox that led to sales of 111,546 Obama-related items.

Incidentally George W Bush is currently selling a few items on the auction site. His online items include an unused nuclear warhead, dictionary and plane ticket to New Orleans. In fact the only thing he’s selling that isn’t used is a pair of soiled knickers he found in the top drawer of his desk at the Oval Office when he took over.

8th December

Stan & Deliver...

Stansted airport has been thrust into chaos today, with a number of flights being cancelled after fifty or so protesters broke into the airport in the early hours of the morning and created a makeshift cage out of concrete blocks and 6 foot high fencing close to the runway. The self-righteous little wankers from the appropriately named 'Plane Stupid' then chained themselves together inside.

...Well I hope they like being caged, because police have arrested 57 of the idiots from the climate action group for what is being classed as a criminal action. You may remember these geniuses from 'Plane Stupid' from earlier in the year when one of their members unsuccessfully tried to superglue himself to Gordon Brown. They're not exactly the Viet Cong are they?

'Plane Stupid' said on its website that the action was intended to draw attention to CO2 emissions from the aviation industry...

Yet, instead of targeting jet-setters using private jets, they disrupt the lives of hard-working people, who probably only travel on planes once or twice a year... They're probably going to get about as much sympathy for their cause as Mussolini.

One of the protestors is quoted as saying; "We're here because our parents' generation has failed us..."

...Yes, by giving birth to you, now fuck off.

7th December

Top O' The Toxin To You...

All Irish pork products have been recalled today amid fears that they may be contaminated with a toxic substance. Tests have revealed that pork from nine Irish farms contained harmful dioxins.

Ireland's Food Safety Authority insisted that danger to the public was minimal and the recall was "precautionary". The UK's own FSA have said that they are awaiting confirmation on whether any of the affected products have been distributed in the UK.

The contamination is believed to have been as a result of a certain feed which was used at over 40 farms, tests showed that the dioxins present were up to 200x the safe consumption amount.

The FSA has stated that British consumers were at "minimal" risk, but in the meantime all Irish pork is being returned...

...Not great news for 'This Morning' but I'm sure they'll find a replacement for Eamonn Holmes.

6th December

Jacko to groom JLS...?

According to one of the papers today Michael Jackson is a massive fan of X Factor and wants JLS to join him on tour in a bid to make them superstars.

Apparently Wacko has been watching the show every week online in the US.

They say he has been so impressed by the London boyband he has asked to meet Louis Walsh in Ireland and talk about the boys supporting him on tour in the UK.

The bands mentor said: “I hear Michael had been looking around for some fresh young talent for a long time.”

I wonder if he made that remark without sniggering.

The poison leprechaun then added “It's fantastic news for JLS.”

Of course it is, all four of the boys have gone through puberty.

Let’s just hope for his sake Jacko doesn’t want Eoghan to join him on tour.

I doubt the young Irishman would ever make it on stage.

5th December

Do you really want to hurt me?

Whether they are the words of a Norwegian male escort or those of Boy George on his first trip to the prison showers who knows?

But the weird singer has been found guilty of falsely imprisoning a male escort at his flat in east London.

The musician, whose real name is George O'Dowd, alleged that the model male escort in his property stole photographs from a laptop.

If I found someone robbing JPEG’s from my laptop I must admit I wouldn’t be stripping them naked and handcuffing them to my bed before calling the cops.

Good one George.

Yes, Carlsen said the Culture Club front-man attacked him as he tried to escape the Shoreditch flat and handcuffed him to the bed.

Now George has been found guilty he’s expected to spend some time At Her Majesty's Pleasure.

Some people of the right wing persuasion believe the U.K’s prisons are becoming more like a holiday camp…

…for Boy George this time inside will be better than anything Bulletins has to offer.

5th December

Dr Pecker...

Drinks company Dr Pepper has responded to a letter from Guns N' Roses lawyer last week that demanded an apology for the free drinks promotion intended to celebrate the release of ‘Chinese Democracy’.

The misunderstood fizzy drinks company promised a free drink to everyone in America if the album came out in 2008, but the overwhelming response in the 24-hours after the offer launched crashed the company’s website and many fans were unable to download the coupon to avail of the free soda.

However, the company then extended the offer online as well as adding a toll-free phone number.

Last week, Axl Rose spoke out and got his lawyer to write to Dr Pepper accusing the company of operating an online redemption scheme that was an "unmitigated disaster which defrauded customers".

I’ve just drafted my letter to Rose’s lawyer asking why I’ve only just received an album that was promised seventeen years ago.

It ended...

P.S "You were much better with SLASH."

P.P.S "Get that ginger mop cut."

P.P.P.S ""Stop wearing kilts you tit."

...No lawsuits in that are there?

4th December

Ritchie Bitch...

Residents of Finsbury, North London have been upset my Guy Ritchie's new film 'Sherlock Holmes'.

You may be wondering how this is news, after all, Ritchie's films have been upsetting audiences for years now, but this time it's different; it's not forking over their hard-earned money to watch another overrated, smug, wanky, over-polished turd of a gangster film that's got these people angry, it's the shooting of the film.

Local residents were seething when they were made to move their cars for Ritchie to shoot scenes for his latest film, which stars Robert Downey Junior and Jude Law, so much so that they've now got a petition going urging the council to reduce the number of days Ritchie can shoot for in the area.

The leader of the protest against Ritchie is quoted as saying; "When they filmed 'V for Vendetta' ...they gave everyone £50 a day compensation." Have a heart, Guy can't afford that, especially now his sugar mama's off swinging A-Rod's bat.

These people should thank themselves lucky that they're getting on Guy's bad side now rather than a year ago, back then he'd have sent his angry, muscle-bound, bat shit crazy heavy round to sort them out...

...Fortunately for them, Madonna's not returning his phone calls these days.

3rd December

Hit Me Baby One More Mime

With the storm over Britney Spears' recent lip-synching 'X Factor' appearance still raging, Britney proved she really couldn't give a shit by miming during a TV performance again this week.

Britney was celebrating her 27th birthday with a special performance on New York-based breakfast show 'Good Morning America'. Yet again though, Britney mimed, poorly, throughout the performance.

To promote her new album, Spears' performance was circus themed and featured a whole variety of circus freaks... Nice to see she still brings her family along when she performs.

Britney was her usual dazed and confused self on the special edition of the show, even prompting good old Diane Sawyer to bemoan how she wished Spears would just "sit and talk to us". Much like she did on X Factor on Saturday; Spears gave short, irrelevant answers to the questions she was asked after her performance.

Spears even seemed confused as to where her U.S. tour begins next year, eventually settling on the safe option: "America".

Seriously Spears, this odd behaviour; we all know where it's heading... So why don't you just shave your head again and get it over with....

2nd December

The Beard & The Wonderful...

The Beard Liberation Front, which is kind of like the Freemasons for bearded gentlemen, has released a list of twelve nominees for it's prestigious 'Beard of the Year' award.

Criminally, I didn't even make the shortlist, but the hairy celebrities that made the cut include Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez, Sunderland manager Roy Keane, comedians Bill Bailey & Eddie Izzard and representing the world of music; Tom Jones, Jarvis Cocker and reigning champion, Led Zeppelin's Robert Plant.

There's no designer stubble in sight, all the nominees have proper 'man' beards and my vote goes to author Terry Pratchett for boldly attempting the 'Santa' look.

Looking at pictures of the nominees, it appears that the prerequsite for making the 2008 shortlist is to sport a beard that makes you look like a child molester, which leads me to ask the question that children up and down the country often ask themselves; where's Gary Glitter!?

If the paedo look's in this year, which bead-wearer had a bigger year than Glitter...?

Well, other than Josef Fritzl...?

2nd December

The Future's Bright...

The remaining 'X Factor' contestants got a flavour of most of their futures last night when they performed a gig in front of twenty-eight people.

The secret gig took place in the basement of a Carphone Warehouse on Oxford Street and twenty-eight 'lucky' competition winners got the chance to see the finalists up close and personal thanks to the show's sponsor.

As is usually the case with anything X Factor related, the gig wasn't without it's controversy; Carphone Warehouse bosses were furious when they thought that yodelling song murderer Diana Vickers, whose face looks like she's permanently having an allergic reaction, was making the Phones 4U hand signal, they were quickly reassured though that it was just her trademark over the top hand movements.

Personally, I think letting the finalists do a gig in a Carphone Warehouse is far better preparation for their future than anything they do on a Saturday night...

...It gives them a chance to see if the uniform fits.

1st December

Hill Be Back...

She's like the fucking Terminator; she "...absloutely will not stop. Ever... Until you are dead."

Ok, maybe not the last part, but Hillary Clinton just will not go away, she's like untreated chlamidya.

I mistakenly thought that after Barack Obama vanquished Senator Clinton in the Democratic Primaries that she'd have returned to her full time job; trying to keep Bill away from the University of Arkansas' sorority girls, never to be seen again.

How wrong I was, because Hillary's back and she's stronger than ever! Today, in the ongoing process of naming his Cabinet, President-elect Barack Obama named Clinton Secretary of State. I hope Obama knows what he's doing, because I'm pretty sure if the roles were reversed Hillary wouldn't have even named Obama her secretary, nevermind Secretary of State!

Clinton's appointment hinged on her husband, former President Bill Clinton, agreeing to a number of conditions, much like her taking him back after the Lewinsky affair did, only this list didn't include a condition regarding the use of cigars.

Hillary had a condition of her own, that she insisted must be met before she agreed to the post; that any furniture that Bill had sex with Monica Lewinsky on, be removed from the White House before her arrival...

Be reasonable Hillary! They only have a month...

1st December

Barrowman's Got (Torch)Wood...

The BBC has been apologising yet again.

In keeping with the corporation's policy of issuing grovelling apologies anytime something happens on one of it's networks that might be deemed 'edgy', they were at it again over the weekend.

This time the Beeb issued an apology when camp as Christmas 'Torchwood' star, and all round nice guy, John Barrowman exposed himself. Now I know what you're thinking, exposing himself on TV is pretty scandalous, especially for the BBC... The thing is, this happened on a radio show!

During Radio 1's Sunday night show 'Switch' hosted by Northern Monkey Nick Grimshaw and the woman with the sexiest voice in radio Annie Mac, Barrowman, who was a guest, was asked by Grimshaw; "You're famous... for getting your willy out in interviews... Is this going to happen today?"

Barrowman responded by saying he was going to "get it out" and after the act, commented; " I didn't take the whole thing out, but I got my fruit and nuts out." Annie Mac was forced to issue an apology at the end of the show for any offence caused and a BBC spokeswoman has stated that one complaint was received. Just wait 'til the Daily Mail gets hold of the story...

The spokeswoman went on to say that the programme "overstepped the mark". How!? In what way was any of this offensive? Could the listeners hear his penis flapping in the wind?

The fact that this story hasn't been made more of in the press just shows the hypocrisy of the whole Andrew Sachs saga, because you can bet your ass that if this had been Russell Brand rather than housewives favourite John Barrowman that got his "ballbags" out on a BBC radio show there would have been national uproar.

In a way though it's probably for the best that there'll be no repercussions for Barrowman, because with David Tennant out of the picture, if Barrowman got suspended, where would we get our fix of shit BBC sci-fi from?

1st December

Jezebel's Kitchen

Gordon Ramsay has shrugged off claims he cheated on his wife — by joking he romped with rival chef Delia Smith.

The Kitchen Nightmares star also joked that they had a love child.

He was meeting fans at a food show yesterday after claims emerged that he had a couple more affairs.

A couple more?! No wonder he’s fit enough to run all those marathons.

Ramsay said: “It’s true, I confess. I’ve been shagging Delia for the past ten years.”

Now we know who Delia was talking to when she said “Where are you? Where are you? Let's be having you! Come on!" at that Norwich City game.

I thought she looked horny.

The dad of four lashed out at Sarah Symonds — his alleged mistress of seven years — saying: “Come on though, if I was really going to cheat it wouldn’t be with a complete slapper.”

Stranger things have happened Gordon.

He later joked: “Last night I was watching a new show called Ramsay’s Bedroom Nightmares. Then I switched over to E4 and it was Shag Along With Ramsay.”

That bedroom show would probably be very similar to “Kitchen Nightmares” where Ramsay extracts some of his locally sourced produce to revive some greasy old hole.

1st December

The spy who judged me...

Simon Cowell is apparently being bugged by a Secret Service-style stalker.

The X Factor boss was "completely freaked out" after a sophisticated tracking device was found attached magnetically to the undercarriage of his Bentley Continental.

His full-time security team had the £140,000 motor swept for bugs after Simon noticed that a mysterious biker kept turning up, minutes after he arrived at private meetings.

Horrified that he might become the new “Lady Di”, old high pants is now considering calling in police and upping his protection.

Suspects for planting the device range from an over-zealous fan, to an unscrupulous paparazzo, or even a disgruntled ex from his legions of lovers.

Or perhaps it could be Steve Brookstein who has reportedly been undergoing Al Qaeda style training to exert his revenge on Cowell for ruining his life.

28th November

Brits bald demands...

Britney Spears guest appearance on the X-Factor is causing a stir.

The former bic-head singer is due to perform on the show and apparently has a huge list of demands.

So an “insider” says in one of today’s papers, Britters is banning contestants from watching her perform, meeting her backstage and not even allowing the likes of Cowell, Cole or Walsh to get their pictures with her.

She has also outdone Mariah Carey by wanting three dressing rooms, one more than the normally needed diva.

And to top it off, security has been tripled from fifteen to forty-five burly blokes…

…with that many around who knows, she could remarried by the time I’m a celebrity comes on.

26th November

I'll Have a Black & Blue Christmas...

Kate Moss and Jamie Hince have taken the term "deck the halls" to a whole new level.

The couple turned up to the Christmas light switch on at Stella McCartney's London store covered in cuts and bruises. Moss had cuts and scratches on her face and Hince had a black eye.

It isn't much of a change of pace for Moss, her ex Pete Doherty was constantly seen out with marks on his body... Generally on his arms... That kind of looked like tracks...

Moss and Hince claim that they were victims of a freak Christmas accident. The story goes that Hince was up a ladder getting Christmas decorations out of Moss' attic, while she waited at the bottom for him to pass them to her. The Kills guitarist then supposedly lost his grip on one box and heavy decorations crashed onto the couple's heads causing the injuries...

...Or what I like to call The Ike Turner Defence.

25th November

Feel Me Up Swashy...

Things are getting hot in the Australian bush, no Dannii Minogue hasn't got thrush again, I'm talking about 'I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!'

Jungle fever seems to definitely be kicking in as some of the campers, no pun intended, have been whispering about what's going on between former Mr. Sulu George Takei and my personal favourite to win Joe Swash, after the unlikely duo kissed on the lips.

Chief stirrer Brian Paddick told Takei that several other 'celebrities' had been asking him what was going on with him and Joe. When Takei told Swash, the ex-Eastender joked; "Keep them thinking Georgie boy... Keep them on their toes they don't need to know what's going on between me and you do they?"

Swash has been the star of the series so far, his unlikely friendships with Esther Rantzen and Takei have been a great source of comedy and he seems to be the only one willing to stand up to WAG bimbo Nicola Mclean, who is as nasty as she is vacuous. Simon Webbe found this out when he got firmly put in his place by Swash during the group's latest round of verbal attacks on Timmy Mallett and that tit from Dollar.

Webbe, who seems to have decided to take on the roll of some kind of Zen preacher to the other 'celebrities', immediately spat his dummy out and stomped off, muttering to himself "you're all full of shit." - I'm sorry Simon, they're full of shit? ...Weren't you in Blue?

24th November

Bias Hylton?

Crackhead X Factor reject Rachel Hylton broke down in tears this weekend...

...When she realised she'd run out of rocks... Oh, and also as she hit out at the media and blamed their negative, but true, coverage for getting her booted out of the show.

The 26-year-old Mother of five said she felt "numb", that'll be the crack, after losing out to colour-coded boyband DFS, sorry, JLS on Saturday's live show.

Hylton blasted the media and in particular, the tabloids, moaning, in that eloquent way we've come to expect from her; "I really think it didn't matter about my performance... I feel I've been judged on my past the whole way through this competition. I wasn't given a chance... I've been given a lot of negative press coverage. I just feel it was really unfair. I know I've taken drugs, I know I've committed crimes and I am sorry... I didn't mean to do them things. I've lost three kids and I'm nearly 27..."

Please... The woman's a living, breathing Chris Rock bit; "It's the media's fault..." So Michael Burke made you smoke all that crack did he? And I suppose it's Huw Edwards' fault you can't sing a note in tune and I bet it was Trevor McDonald's super sperm that got you pregnant five times before you were 27...

...Go back to your crack den and sing some more Mary J. Blige out of tune.

24th November

The Darling Buds Of Dismay...

In one of the most definitive cases of too little, too late, head clown in Gordon Brown's circus of a government Chancellor Alistair Darling has delivered his pre-Budget report, and it may surprise you to hear, he didn't just scream "we're all doomed" and run out of Parliament crying.

So what exactly did ol' eyebrows have up his sleeve to kickstart our beleaguered economy?

Well, the widely expected cut in VAT on 'non-essential' items was top of the list, being cut by 2 1/2% to 15%, so would 'non-essential' include Prescott's first Jag or just his second?

Child benefit will go up (surprise, surprise) by 5%, just in case any of those scroungers who breed for a living felt like the credit crunch may force them to actually get a job, rest easy, you won't have to miss your relatives on Jeremy Kyle now.

Darling also revealed a housing rescue package for homeowners, but unless he does something about mortgage rates, there aren't going to be any new homeowners, which makes his pledge to spend £775million on building new homes even stupider.

Tesco, Royal Mail and a number of other businesses will work with the Job Centre in a £1.3billion, yes, that's billion, package to train people and get them back into work. I've got an idea for how to get half these people back to work; stop paying them money for sitting on their lazy, Burberry clad arses, smoking roll-ups, drinking Red Stripe at 11 o'clock in the morning and walking their Rottweilers on a piece of rope...

The rest of Darling's plans were pretty standard fare; more money for pensioners, higher tax on the worst polluting cars and better support for small businesses struggling in the grip of the crunch.

It may all sound good now, but as that pompous twat David Cameron pointed out; Labour are giving with one hand and then taking away with the other; to pay back all these cuts, VAT will probably increase to 20% for the first time and next year will see the UK's borrowing increase to £118billion - I think Darling thinks it's like a student loan; "it's not a real debt". Well it is real debt and faking your own death won't get you out of it... Trust me.

23rd November

A-Palin Behaviour...

She might not have got into the White House, but as long as Sarah Palin is still breathing and thus, doing stupid things, she's not going to be leaving the media spotlight for quite some time...

And it might surprise you to hear this, but I, for one, am very happy about that; if Palin disappears from the news, who am I going to write about!? Obama? Please, that guy's not funny, he actually knows the World's Geography and he would never give a TV interview while a man slaughters a Turkey in the background... But Palin would! God bless you Governor Palin.

Yes, the Alaskan Governor visited a Turkey farm in Wasilla this week to issue her traditional Thanksgiving Turkey 'pardon', and while one bird was given a reprieve by Palin, thousands more weren't so lucky, in particular the one who had the misfortune of being slaughtered while Palin gave an interview about how "neat" her little trip had been.

In an all to ironic statement, Palin said; "I was happy to get to be invited to participate in this. For one, you need a little bit of levity in this job... It's nice to get out and... participate in something that isn't so heavy-handed politics that it invites criticism."

My sentiments exactly Governor Palin, what possible criticism could come from a video of a Turkey getting beheaded, a grinning simpleton... And that guy in the background killing Turkeys.

I'm not normally one to direct you to other websites but this video has to be seen to be believed, so enjoy!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=z-kjM1asH-8

21st November

A Bronx Tale

Ashlee Simpson and Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz have welcomed their first child into the world, and promptly given the little nipper a ridiculous baby name, as is the celebrity cliche.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz, i shit you not, is said to be doing well, as is new Mum Simpson.

The 5 Boroughs of New York are getting quite well represented these days in the baby name stakes, what with the Beckham's and Brooklyn and now little Bronx Wentz, ever one to follow celebrity trends, I think I'll name my first born Staten Island.

I have it on good authority though that the middle name of Mowgli, has nothing to do with Pete baring an uncanny resemblance to the 'Jungle Book' character.

Both families have been stopping by to wish the new parents well, although there was an altercation between Wentz and Simpson's Father Joe, after he commented on how nice and big his daughter's pregnancy boobs looked and said the baby was lucky, getting to nuzzle those "suckers"...

20th November

McCain Against The Music

His Election campaign may be over, but beaten Republican Presidential nominee John McCain is still locking horns with those who question him; only this time it's a Rock N' Roll Hall of Famer.

Jackson Browne sued the McCain campaign over the unauthorized use of his song "Running On Empty" during their campaign, which to be fair, was the most apt song McCain could've used from September onwards.

Several other artists including ABBA, Bon Jovi and The Foo Fighters were unhappy about the unauthorized use of their music but Browne was the only one to actually sue. Leave McCain alone - what does he know about music legalities? He still hasn't figured out how to work his Grammar Phone.

But now McCain is hitting back; claiming that Browne is only suing to gain some publicity and revive his flagging career. It's a bit of an extreme way for Browne to revive his career though...

...If he really wanted to try and make a futile comeback he should have just hired an inexperienced simpleton from Alaska as his sidekick.

19th November

Sergeant's Marching Orders...

John Sergeant has quit 'Strictly Come Dancing' today after weeks of controversy over his continued involvement in the show, despite him having the rhythm of a tone deaf Wildebeast.

The Strictly judges may not have taken to Sergeant's moves but the public sure did and despite the judges doing their best to get him off the show - Craig Revel Horwood even gave him one (Well he wouldn't be the first man Craig had given one) - the public continually saved the cuddly former political journalist.

But alas, poor John could handle no more of the media frenzy over his participation in the show and has today announced he will no longer be taking part.

Debate has been raging over whether Strictly is a serious dance competition or an entertainment show... Well anyone who thinks that a programme sandwiched between a show where celebrities dress like giant condoms and try and fit through a hole in a wall and the worst incarnation of Merlin I've ever seen in the listings is a serious dance contest has some serious mental problems.

If Strictly was a serious dance contest why would the producers put John Sergeant on there in the first place? One look at him and you know he has the moves of an arthritic Polar Bear, he was on there as comic relief on a light entertainment show, so that people didn't get completely repulsed by the hyper-competitive desperation of some of these celebrities, I'm looking at you Rachel Stevens...

Everyone knows that the British public are stupid, especially those who actually feel compelled to vote on reality shows, and can't be trusted to make intelligent judgments on anything, so what do you expect them to do when they have free range to vote on these shows? If you don't want the talentless people to advance, then let the experts decide.

Sergeant will be missed on Strictly though, especially after he gave us that great moment where he pulled his partner across the floor, who's going to give us a laugh on Strictly now? I guess we'll just have to rely on Brucie and Len giving someone SEVEN! for a chuckle.

I feel sorry for John Sergeant though, he had two massive reasons to stay in the show;

Kristina and her Rihanoffs.

18th November

Don't Stop 'Til You Get A Cough...

Is Michael Jackson in High School!?

Don't worry he's not been lurking outside the school gates again, but he has been trying to get out of his trial with a sick note.

We reported yesterday that Jacko was being sued by a Bahraini Sheikh for reneging on a music deal, with the trial currently being held in London by mutual agreement.

Jacko's lawyer today presented the judge with a note from the singer's Doctor, which the judge told the Court suggested Jackson "may or may not have a condition" and either way would be unfit to travel and therefore attend the trial. Is this a real Doctor or has Jackson been playing Doctors and Nurses with Macaulay Culkin again?

The Sheikh and his legal team, as you can imagine, were highly sceptical there was anything wrong with Jackson, well, other than the usual.

...But to be fair to Wacko, those close to him who've seen him in the last few days have said that he looks white as a sheet...

18th November

Page 3 girl caught munching on testicles shocker...

During last nights I'm a Celeb Nicola McLean won her bushtucker trial by eating kangaroo testicles and then asked: “Can I get pregnant?”

The 25-year-old glamour model showed real balls when she beat Joe Swash as they went head-to-head in the “I Scream Van” challenge.

She ate crocodile eyes, a knickerbocker glory made from crickets, a crocodile foot and five silkworms before she had to get her chops around the kangaroo’s testes.

True she can’t conceive by eating the balls but with Simon Webbe around I’m sure someone will be knocked up by the time of the shows wrap party.

During the challenge, EastEnder Joe Swash gagged on a croc’s penis after swallowing scorpions, cockroaches and a witchety grub.

He eventually managed to get the reptilian member down his throat – but he failed the task when he turned his nose up at a bush fowl’s foot.

But isn’t it true most actors are used to getting their mouth round a scaley old penis…I thought that’s what they called an audition in the theatre.

17th November

Exploitation Street

It turns out Andrews Sachs' whorish granddaughter wasn't the only one trying to boost their career by milking the whole answer phone furore for all it was worth... The sly old fox is at it himself!

Reports today suggest that the 78 year old actor is being lined up for a role treading Coronation Street's famous cobbles. Sachs is rumoured to be playing Malcolm Hebden's character Norris Cole's brother in the Nation's favourite soap.

Corrie bosses were keen to stress that Sachs' sudden involvement in the show had nothing to do with the media buzz that had surrounded Sachs as of late; "There is no connection whatsoever between the Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross saga and our interest in Andrew as this storyline was first discussed in April." a Corrie spokesperson stated.

Of course it was, it just took Andrew Sachs seven months to fit it into his busy retirement schedule of watching Countdown and eating his tea at 4.30pm... Oh, and not answering his phone...

I'd expect this kind of shameless exploitation from Eastenders, but you Corrie, I expected more. If they continue with this trend, which tabloid darling will we see in the Rovers next...? Winehouse? Katona? Haringey social services?

17th November

Sheiko Jacko...

Beleaguered pop star Michael Jackson is being sued for $7m by the son of the King of Bahrain, just days after he was forced to sell the infamous 2,500-acre Neverland ranch in California.

Sheikh Abdullah bin Hamad Al Khalifa is suing Jackson for breach of contract and the case is expected to go before a high court judge today.

It is alleged that Jackson received payment in advance for writing and recording new material, but never delivered on his promise of a new album for Al Khalifa's record company.

Although Jacko’s understood to be still working on the new piece…he just hasn’t worked out how to record the work he’s done on Rock Band on the Xbox onto a CD.

16th November

Putin On The Ritz

Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber's must be desperate in his quest to bring Eurovision glory back to the UK, as he appears to have literally made a pact with the devil.

Lloyd Webber flew to Russia this week and met with PM Vladimir Putin, who has vowed to vote for the UK in next year's contest, which will eminate from Moscow. The meeting between Lloyd-Webber and Putin was scheduled for them to formulate a plan on how to bring credibility back to the contest.

Psst... Lloyd Webber... If you want to bring credibility back to the contest then I'd advise against involving a man who censors and rigs every aspect of the media in his country... Just a thought.

Having Putin's backing might be good for the UK act but if I was the entry from one of the other countries I'd be extremely worried about having a run in with some polonium-210...

...So a word of advice, if Lloyd Webber invites you out for Sushi, RUN!

16th November

Stephen Baldw-ink

Just when you thought that everyone's favourite Baldwin Brother Stephen's career couldn't get any lower, he proves us wrong once again.

It'd take a pretty poor decision to trump 'Shark In Venice' and endorsing Sarah Palin in the bad career move stakes, but Baldwin has pulled off this seemingly impossible feat; by getting a 'Hannah Montana' tattoo!

'Hannah Montana' star and pop moppet Miley Cyrus reportedly befriended Baldwin when the pair met at a White House function and told the man who once played a young Barney Rubble that he could have a guest role in her show, which his daughter's are huge fans of, if he got the tattoo.

As the picture above shows, Baldwin kept his word and got the tattoo, which he proudly showed off to Cyrus and the press at a book signing earlier this week.

Rumours have also been doing the rounds that President Elect Barack Obama's daughters are going to make an appearance in 'Hannah Montana'...

God only knows what he had to do to secure that deal, but if I see Miley Cyrus pointing to a 'HM' tattoo on Barack Obama's arm, then I may have to question whether he's the right man for the Presidency...

...Although that 'Sesame Street' tattoo on Bush's ass didn't seem to slow him down.

13th November

Dews The Boss?

As the Shannon Matthews case rolls on and her vile Mother has her mutant mug splashed across every paper in the country, something interesting came out of the trial today.

The Police Officer who was given the unenviable job of breaking the news that her daughter had been found to Karen Matthews, in between her shift scaring The Billy Goats Gruff obviously, has told the court that good old Kazza didn't seem too bothered when he told her that Shannon was safe.

Detective Constable Alexander Grummitt, or 'More Cheese?' as he's known to his friends, told the jury that Karen Matthews never once asked how Shannon was during the thirty minute car journey to see her supposedly kidnapped daughther. DC Grummitt went on to state that walking anti-incest message Matthews seemed more interested in his mobile phone ring tone, which she asked him to Bluetooth her...

...But to be fair to Karen Matthews, it wasn't just any old ringtone that Grummitt had on his phone, it was her then boyfriend's latest release...

12th November 2008

Check Out My Scuffle Pitt...

The media's been awash today with reports of Brad Pitt getting into a bit of a scrape at a movie theatre during a screening of his new film 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button'.

Photos surfaced online of Pitt being forcibly removed from the theatre by a burly security guard, prompting all manner of potentially libelous rumour mongering... Something that we here at The Minty Pocket would never do...

Unfortunately, the truth about the incident, as is always the case, is far less interesting than most of the rumours. Pitt wasn't in fact attacked by a group of angry Sun readers who mistook him for a paedophile thanks to that creepy moustache he's grown for 'Inglorious Basterds', but rather he was quickly ushered out of the theatre by his own security after those lovable cockroaches, the paparazzi, tried to swarm the 'Fight Club' star.

Reports state that due to Pitt being hastily removed from the theatre by security, he actually never got to see the screening of his new film...

...So that's why Steven Seagal shat in the popcorn maker at the premiere of 'Half Past Dead'.

11th November

I'm A Celebrity... Honestly!

Another winter, another series of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here, and like most years, it's another collective who's who of nobodies who'll be making their way into the jungle.

We probably say this every year, but this line-up really does look piss-poor, typified by Carly Zucker's involvement, she's not even a C-List WAG never mind celebrity. And who the hell is Nicola McLean!? Actually, I've probably seen her, and her boobs before... I'm sure I'll be able to put a breast to the name when she takes a shower...

And do we really need to see Dani Behr, who all but vanished off the face of the earth after Ryan Giggs kicked her into touch, trying to sink her talons into Simon Webbe while he pens his comeback single under a palm tree... Speaking of which, is that every member of Blue that's done reality TV now...? You wouldn't catch Five doing stuff like that... Oh wait...

But in spite of the show's shoddy line-up, I think it's safe to say that Ant & Dec won't be alone in making the show watchable this year, thanks to three small words; Robert. Kilroy. Silk.

If the man with the skin that makes Dale Winton look like that Monk out of 'The Da Vinci Code', treats his fellow 'celebrities' with the same utter contempt he had for the audience on his chat show then we could end up seeing some of the 'celebrities' exchanging blows...

...Cut it out Paddick, it's before the watershed!

11th November

What a Kabbalache...

Guy Ritchie's sons were re-united with their father, but reportedly came with a list of 12 instructions from mother Madonna.

Rocco and David flew into Gatwick Airport in London from Los Angeles to meet their father.

It has been reported however that Madonna, 50, has issued a list of instructions that Ritchie must meet while the two boys stay with him in London.

She has allegedly insisted that all water they drink, even when it is diluted organic juice, should be Kabbalah water - mountain spring water blessed by leaders of the Kabbalah faith she follows.

Other demands insist that the boys are not allowed to read newspapers, magazines or watch TV or DVDs, while they must also adhere to a macrobiotic vegetarian organic diet.

Poor kids. I bet that little African lad would rather be back in the third world…

...the good news is for Guy, the rules mention nothing about the kids not being able to help write his next gangsta flick.

If an over the top mother gets a cap popped in her in his next film...we'll know who wrote that bit, probably in crayon.

10th November

Single Phile...

A Deputy Headmaster has blasted AQA, the country's biggest exam board, for suggesting shamed pop paedo Gary Glitter's 'I'm The Leader Of The Gang (I Am)' as related listening for GCSE music coursework... Even though it actually is related to the coursework.

The teacher from Windsor claimed that it was "completely inappropriate" that Glitter's music should be recommended to fifteen and sixteen year olds, he went onto speculate; "I dread to think what they might find online searching for him."

If teens these days are anything like I was, they'll have already discovered far worse on the internet by the time they're sixteen... And besides you don't have to search for a convicted paedophile to find 'inappropriate' content online; you could type 'Ghandi & Jesus meet The Care Bears' into a P2P site like Limewire and you'd still get 'Ghandi & Jesus meet The Care Bears Sexy Girl Has Shaking Orgasm During Sex' at the top of your search list ...Not that I ever use such sites.

I completely agree that everything that can be done, should be done, to stop Glitter raking in anymore residual income, and for that reason, maybe reference to him should be removed from the coursework. After letting him back into the country though, I think the government have already already proved they aren't exactly going to get tough on the sick bastard, and if his residuals get cut off they'll probably put him on Jobseekers.

For a supposedly intelligent Deputy Head though to suggest that listening to a song that was released some 35 years ago can somehow corrupt fifteeen and sixteen year olds is another example of PC Britain gone mad. Next they'll be saying kids shouldn't study Hitler or Stalin in History, you know, on account of all those people they killed...

7th November

Barack O-Hammer

A good week for Barack Obama just got better, after he was made an offer by West Ham United... No they don't want the soon-to-be President to bolster their beleagured back four, but they have offered him a free ticket to a game at Upton Park.

Probably keen to gain some publicity and make a bit of extra money any way they can, given the fact that their finances are in worse shape than Gazza's, West Ham have sent the President-elect an open invitation to attend a game when he next visits these fair shores.

Obama is reportedly a fan of the Happy Hammers, after taking in a game in 2003, which he attended with family members who are supporters.

A souce at the club reportedly said of the offer; "We are delighted that Barack Obama has an association with West Ham and are sending him our congratulations and an invitation to attend a match whenever he is in Britain" - So an association can now be formed after attending one game, can it?

Maybe my cynicism is getting the better of me once again and Obama genuinely is a Hammers fan, but I can't help but feel his ties to West Ham are about as real as Tom Hanks' to Aston Villa (I bet he threw that scarf in the first bin he saw once he left the red carpet) or Sly Stallone's to Everton.

...But I suppose we should be thankful that it wasn't departing President George W. Bush the Hammers made this offer to, I'm almost certain Bush thinks West Ham is a sandwich filling.

6th November

Prison Blake

Walking, talking anti-crack advert Amy Winehouse has been making the news for all the wrong reasons yet again.

With her husband Blake Fielder-Civil getting out of jail yesterday, you'd think that old Wino would have been over the moon, but if she was, she clearly wasn't showing it. Sporting a perm to put Kevin Keegan to shame and with her make-up applied in a way only Alice Cooper can get away with, Winehouse tried to launch herself at paps waiting outside her crack den, sorry, house, yelling "Who wants some?" - No thanks Amy, at least not until I've had my TB vaccination.

Winehouse was prevented from landing any blows on the waiting paparrazzi by her father Mitch who carted her off and bundled her into a taxi, in which she later returned, in a shocking twist; passed out. Amy Winehouse passed out in a taxi, who'd have thought it!?

Winehouse's husband meanwhile checked straight into rehab on his release, where he is being treated for drug addiction, which if this quote is anything to go by, he clearly needs;

"It's a welcome to the free world for me and Barack Obama. I heard about the US election on the car radio. It's got to be good news."

After comparing himself to one of the most historic figures of modern politics, Blake went on to proclaim; "...Now all I want to do is see Amy. I'm gonna see my wife and take her knickers down" ...I'd rather you than me Blake son, but if you insist, I'd wear at least 3 condoms...

6th November

It was far from a Cruise...

For years, Nicole Kidman maintained a dignified silence over her ill-fated marriage to Tom Cruise.

But the actress has finally spilled on life as Mrs Cruise, revealing she lived in her husband's shadow and sensed it was her job 'to be seen and not heard'.

But surely Tom was living in her shadow? At 5”10 she practically dwarfed the little midget.

The former Hollywood golden couple, who are parents to Isabella, 15, and Connor, 13, separated just after their 10th wedding anniversary in 2001.

She told Glamour magazine she felt stifled during the high-profile marriage: 'I would always cower in the background.'

I know the feeling, I’ve sat through some of his movies too…

5th November

Ross & Brand Literally Burnt At The Stake

The PC Brigade who got so riled up by the answer phone message debacle of last week will probably revel in this glorious waste of time; a giant effigy of Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand that is to be burnt. Kind of ironic really, given that they were victims of such a ridiculous witch hunt.

Members of the Edenbridge Bonfire Society in Kent thought the controversy surrounding the Radio 2 presenters made them the perfect choice for their annual guy, which will be lit up on Saturday night to signal the start of the town's firework display... Oi dickheads, it's bonfire night tonight.

The effigy depicts Ross holding a dog under his arm with Brand's head, clearly some sort of biting satire there from those renowned social commentators at the Bonfire society - seriously, who joins a Bonfire society!?

Ignoring the fact that the Brand part of the guy looks remarkably like Jesus... Surely a more appropriate effigy to be burned in relation to this story would be the Satanic Slut who was at the centre of this whole mess, you know, the one who actually dresses like a witch...

...And for all you Minty Pocket readers actually heading to a Bonfire tonight, feel free to toss a copy of the Daily Mail on there as part of National Daily Mail Burning Day.

5th November

Obama Nation

Congratulations go out today to Barack Obama who was victorious in yesterday's election to be named the 44th President of the United States. With the final vote total still unconfirmed, at the time of writing Obama led McCain 349-173, in what you could, and should, call a landslide victory.

This also proves that the vast majority of Americans aren't as stupid as they are often, wrongly, depicted. Up until I heard it confirmed this morning, I was convinced that by some miracle McCain would win... But thank God he didn't.

McCain will forever be remembered as the perpetual election bridesmaid, unless he dusts of the Straight Talk Express for one last road trip in 2012 that is, and while his comeback to secure the Republican nomination would have made Lazarus envious, his election campaign stuttered and started, while Obama's seemed bullet-proof.

Obama took every accusation the McCain-Palin two-headed hate spewing dragon could throw at him and nothing seemed to stick; Elitist, Socialist, Muslim, Terrorist, Necrophiliac... Okay I made the last one up but it wouldn't have been a surprise.

As for Palin, where does she go from here? No doubt the media's new darling will probably get her own talk show or a Steve Irwin-esque animal adventure show - "Moose Hunter". Wherever the lady I like to call the final nail in the McCain campaign's coffin ends up, let's just be thankful that it's far, far away from those nuclear codes.

This is Obama's moment though, and as his campaign often promoted, I have great 'hope' that this man can be one of the great leaders of The United States of America...

...But even if he's not, he can't be any worse than the last guy can he...?

4th November

The easily offended get easier...

In yet another ridiculous “scandal” Ofcom, the broadcasting watchdog, will decide today whether to launch an investigation into a joke by Jeremy Clarkson, the presenter of BBC's Top Gear, about lorry drivers killing prostitutes.

The controversial broadcaster made his comment on Sunday night’s programme, on BBC2, as he and fellow presenters James May and Richard Hammond found out what it was like to drive heavy goods vehicles.

Bemoaning the constant need to change gear, Clarkson said: “This is a hard job and I’m not just saying that to win favour with lorry drivers, it’s a hard job.

“Change gear, change gear, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. That’s a lot of effort in a day.”

It’s already attracted over five hundred complaints for the “we need to get a life brigade” who seem to have the BBC complaints department on speed-dial.

The life is being sucked out of British television by these whining vampires who seem to value the spoken word as a transgression much worse than the act of murdering a prostitute.

Incidentally none of the complaints were forwarded by a MR. P Sutcliffe or a Mr. S Wright.

2nd November 2008

Pranked Alaska...

Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin didn't help her reputation for being slightly dim yesterday when she was the victim of a prank phone call from a Montreal based radio show.

Radio show prank calls? Quick, assemble the angry mob...

The radio pranksters, a Canadian comedy duo known as 'The Masked Avengers' made the call to Governor Palin pretending to be French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Despite speaking in a ridiculously exaggerated Pepe Le Pew accent and dropping a number of hints that the call was a joke, Palin never realises she's being pranked.

The imposter Sarkozy suggests that he and Palin can go hunting together, saying "I just love killing those animals... Take away life, that is so fun". Completely taken in Palin goes on to say; "You know, I look forward to working with you and getting to meet you personally and your beautiful wife". It is only when the pranksters reveal themselves that Palin realises she's been had, remarking "Oh... Have we been pranked?" before passing the phone off to an aide.

Palin campaign spokeswoman Tracey Schmitt said that Palin had been "mildly amused" by the call. Obama campaign spokesman Robert Gibbs smugly referenced the incident by commenting; "I'm glad we check out our calls before we hand the phone to Barack Obama".

Even if they didn't screen Obama's calls, I'm sure the Senator would be able to tell he's being pranked, especially if he was given such glaring hints as; "We have the equivalent of Joe the Plumber in France. It's called Marcel, the guy with bread under his armpit".

...The Daily Mail has already started a campaign for The Masked Avengers to be burnt at the stake...

31st October

HateMail At It Again...

This is getting fucking ridiculous now. In the wake of the Jonathan Ross-Russell Brand story that has dominated the news this week, another BBC comedy is now coming under fire from the PC brigade.

The always funny 'Mock The Week' is now being criticised for a repeat episode that broadcast this week because they dared to make fun of the Queen... Line them up and shoot them all!

John Beyer, of MediaWatch UK, who clearly has nothing better to do, told (surprise, surprise) the Daily Mail: "It is very offensive and should not have been broadcast." He's probably the sort of person who campaigned for conkers to be banned in schools because they're 'dangerous'. What a tosser. I tell you what Beyer, why don't we all just sit round a campfire, singing Kumbaya and blowing each other.

Nevermind the fact that this episode aired weeks ago and no one gave two shits, but because the Daily HateMail have sold a few extra papers by leading the pitchfork and burning torch brandishing hate mob to Television Studio's front door, they obviously think why not see how much more hatred we can stir up. Nothing sells a paper like breeding hate.

If this carries on we may as well all just move to Putin's Russia where everything is censored and if you dare speak your mind you'll be having a run-in with some Polonium-210

Because that's where we're going. This country has some of the brightest and most entertaining comedians and broadcasters in the world and if we start to tell them what they can and cannot say then aren't we just as bad as the likes of Mugabe and Putin? Surely one of the reasons so many people flee places like that and come to Britain is because of how proud we are, or at least used to be, of having freedom of speech and freedom of the press.

So what exactly was said about the Queen that was so offensive...?

Well during the 'Scenes We'd Like To See' round, the topic was "Things you wouldn't hear the Queen say in her Christmas speech", and, amongst other things, Russell Howard suggested that she wouldn't offer an impression of Shaggy and perform 'Mr. Boombastic'...

...Actually, to be honest, maybe they have a point, because that is quite offensive to the Queen...

...Everyone knows she's a Shabba Ranks girl.

31st October

Johnson Hears A Who...?

Alan Johnson as Dr. Who? It could happen. Paterson Joseph who has consistently stolen every scene he's been in on Peep Show is the bookies' favourite to succeed David Tenant as Dr. Who on the most overrated show on TV.

Joseph has already appeared in Dr. Who during Christopher Eccleston's run as the Time Lord. If the bookies get it right and Joseph does land the role that, although it would mean co-starring with the unbearable Catherine Tate, is still highly coveted, he would become the first black Doctor... Not quite as historic as first black President, but we'll take it.

If Joseph brings some of his Johnsonisms to Dr. Who then I may just have to start watching... Imagine the scene... Doctor Vs. Dalek and the Doc comes out with this gem; "Are you a pathetic worthless punk, because I'm going to turn you down as if you were a hippy parasite, and then I'm going to turn you down like a turkey fucker and why? Because I'm a big man and you are a shit heap!"

Genius.

30th October

The million dollar mams...

Alicia Douvall has said that she's spent over $1m on her breasts over the years.

The blonde glamour model, who has said in the past that her 12-year-old daughter wants a boob job, told fashion gimp Gok Wan that she is addicted to surgery.

Alicia told Gok on new Channel 4 show Miss Naked Beauty that she has had Fourteen breast augmentation operations since she was 17.

The operations have taken Alicia from cup size AA to FF and have cost the model over $1million.

The surgery hasn’t just been about image though- it's helped Alicia learn the first six letters if the alphabet.

29th October 2008

Sachs-gate Phone 'Scandal'

A Meandering Rant...

...Not so breaking news is that Russell Brand has resigned from his Radio 2 show after he and Jonathan Ross were suspended by the BBC in the wake of the Andrew Sachs prank calls 'scandal'.

This whole incident has turned into an absolute farce and it's just the latest thing for the PC brigade to get on their high horses about. When the offending broadcast went out, the BBC received 2 complaints. Two. I bet they get more complaints about In The Night Garden... But now here we are, a week and a half later and because the Mail on Sunday ran a story on it and the majority of middle England like nothing more than having a good old fucking moan, we now have some 18,000 people who've complained about Brand's show, 90% of which I would venture have never even heard the clips.

Talk about blowing things out of proportion; a few, admittedly pretty tasteless and childish, prank phone calls causes national uproar, meanwhile we're on the brink of a recession and there's people being stabbed on the streets left, right and centre and THIS is what people choose to get mad about!? How about the fact that your government have the collective intelligence of Girls Aloud...?

Speaking of our wonderful government; The whole bat shit craziness of this story was topped off by Gordon Brown sticking his moronic nose into affairs; don't worry about plummeting house prices, the increase in unemployment or the fact that your employees can't seem to leave a train without leaving top secret documents on board will you Gord? Focus on the important stuff; a silly radio prank that's been blown out of all proportion.

If this had been the other way round and Brand had been the victim of this prank, no one would have batted an eyelid but because it's a national 'treasure' like Andrew Sachs, Brand and Ross are being treated like they've just been outed as Klan members.

Can I just add that Sachs' granddaughter HAS actually slept with Russell Brand!? - How naive do you have to be to sleep with Russell Brand and think that your dear old grandad won't read all about it on the front cover of a tabloid or hear Brand himself waxing lyrical about it during one of his stage shows? Or maybe that was her plan after her glamour modelling career went tits up - pun intended.

Have any of these people ever watched Fonejacker? Stupid question really because no one with a functioning brain watches that show, but why is it perfectly acceptable for E4 to broadcast a show where members of the public are ritually humiliated through prank calls but Ross and Brand want lynching for their actions?

I don't think I'd be far wrong to suggest that every one of those complaints came from people who still hold Fawlty Towers up on a pedestal, where it's blasphemous to talk ill of the Towers - to quote a wise man; "Grow one and get over it"... Fawlty Tower isn't even that good anyway - yeh that's right, I said it.

Brand, and to a lesser extent, Ross, are polarizing figures, you either love them or you hate them, and 18,000 people who feel the latter about them, have obviously decided they hate them enough to actually pick up a phone and complain about an incident that happened a week and a half ago to little to no reaction. Brand's Radio 2 show was a popular show, don't you think that if this whole prank call incident really was as offensive as people are making out that word would've got round?

I don't blame Russell Brand one little bit for quitting, talk about the Beeb throwing it's employees to the wolves, I hope Ross quits to and he goes to ITV and takes millions of viewers with him. All this garbage about the license payers being unhappy that their money is being spent on these two "reprehensible" performers, why don't they get mad about a real waste of their license fee; i.e. Spooks, Chris Moyles' breakfast show or the fact that Terry Wogan still collects a paycheck for Children In Need - the heartless bastard...

My favourite part of the whole story is that Sachs has now publicly accepted Ross and Brand's apologies and wants to forget the whole thing, but his granddaughters still all over the news wringing every last drop of her fifteen minutes of fame out "I'm so hurt and offended..."

...I give it two weeks before she's on the cover of Zoo with her Fawlty Towers out...

...Rant over.

29th October

Hewlett Peado get paid?!

Computer giant Hewlett Packard has caused outrage after paying convicted paedophile Gary Glitter £100,000 in royalties to use one of his songs in their latest ad campaign.

In the promos for the new HP TouchSmart monitor, Eighties rocker Joan Jett's cover of Glitter's 1972 hit Do You Wanna Touch Me is heard over the visuals.

Due to his convictions for possessing child porn and obscene acts against children, Do You Wanna Touch Me is quite possibly one of the most inappropriate songs to choose from his back catalogue.

The song, which was written by Glitter - real name Francis Paul Gadd - was originally a number two hit for him in 1972, before it was covered by Jett 10 years later.

Jett's vocals feature over a montage of clips of various adults and children using the HP screen, with the tagline “the computer is personal again”.

What? So Glitter wrote the tagline as well?

28th October

Stanford's Sticky Wicket...

Texan billionaire Sir Allen Stanford has issued an apology to the England cricket team after he was caught on camera macking on some of their WAGs.

The uber-rich backer of the Stanford Super Series, in which the England team are currently competing, was on the England player's balcony with some of the player's other halves, including Alastair Cook's girlfriend and Matt Prior's wife - who he had on his knee, when the camera zoomed in on his little harem and broadcast it on the big screen.

Needless to say, there were some very shocked England players, none more so though than Matt Prior, whose missus is pregnant! Stanford has now personally apologised to Prior and to England captain Kevin Pietersen and according to an England spokesperson; "...the matter is now closed."

It can't have been nice for Prior to see his pregnant wife being bounced on the knee of some middle-aged bloke with a dodgy Super Mario moustache, but he should count himself lucky he's not an F1 driver...

...If he was and he had Max Mosley for a backer, his wife would've been dressed in full S.S. uniform while she spanked some guy in ass-less leather chaps until he bled...

28th October 2008

Two Can Play That Game...

Signing up one drug addled R 'n' B has been obviously wasn't enough for the producers of Celebrity Big Brother, so they signed up her husband as well!

Yes, after reportedly convincing Whitney Houston to appear in January's CBB resurrection, the show's producers have now also reportedly bagged the diva's ex Bobby Brown. They must've have offered some serious suitcases full of coke to get those two to agree to appear on a show that has ruined more careers than it's relaunched.

After the race row of 2007, you'd have thought the producers would have wanted to play it extremely safe this time around to avoid another OFCOM enema, but seen as they're rumoured to have signed up a woman and the husband she claims domestically abused her, they're clearly not...

...You thought housemates got cranky when they run out of alcohol and cigarettes... Just wait until Whitney discovers there's no crack on the shopping list...

28th October

Quantum of Scallies…

Daniel Craig says the next Bond film could be made in Liverpool or Birmingham if the credit crunch hits Hollywood.

With the film industry tightening its belt, glamorous foreign locations could soon be a thing of the past.

Craig said: "There are plenty of places we could shoot in the British Isles. If the credit crunch hits the movie business, who knows? Bond in the Lake District, Liverpool... or Birmingham."

Imagine…Bond girls in tracksuits drinking Lambrini? Aston Martins with no wheels? Or how about shady gangsters with cheap gold teeth?

Hmm, maybe it’s not such a bad idea after all.

27th October

Fondley Towers...

Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross have landed themselves in trouble after leaving rude messages on the answer-phone of Fawlty Towers actor Andrew Sachs.

The pair got themselves into trouble for telling the 78-year-old Manuel actor that Brand had ‘fucked his granddaughter’ – in a stunt broadcast on Brand’s Radio 2 show last week.

Sachs’s spokesman said he was left ‘deeply upset’ and ‘terribly hurt’ by the joke.

Shortly before they contacted Sachs for a pre-arranged phone interview, Brand said:

‘In a minute we’re going to be talking to Andrew Sachs, Manuel actor. The elephant in the room is, what Andrew doesn’t know is, I’ve slept with his granddaughter.’

The comedian then rang Sachs. When the veteran actor didn’t answer, Brand left a message during which Ross, who was guest co-host that week, shouted ‘He fucked your granddaughter!’

The pair left a number of subsequent messages, with Brand ‘reassuring’ Sachs that he had worn a condom and, in an improvised song, that the sex was ‘consentual’ and ‘full of respect’.

Ross could be heard singing in the background: ‘Your granddaughter ... she was bent over the couch...’

…not to mention over the bed, kitchen table, hot tub, cat and a pile of booky wooks.

24th October

Macca loses his head...

Sir Paul McCartney’s head has been found among bags of rubbish.

No, not sick revenge by Heather but a waxwork.

A tramp has received a £2,000 reward after finding the lost head.

Tony Silva, 45, spotted the £10,000 bonce at Reading railway station.

He only realised there was a reward when he saw a story about the missing head in newspapers on which he had been sleeping.

Some guys get all the luck.

The museum waxwork was left on a train by auctioneer Joby Carter.

It will now be auctioned at a fair today.

Rumours are so far unsubstantiated Heather Mills has been leaving her fake leg in alleyways and trying to claim a similar reward.

22nd October 2008

Dick & Dom In Da Chang-alow

Appropriately named kids TV and former Radio 1 presenter Richard 'Dick' McCourt has been filmed saying that he took drugs when he was younger.

Someone camera phoned his ass outside a Manchester club at the weekend, Dick can be seen on camera saying; "I do not take drugs, you know why? Because I've got a heart problem - I do not take drugs...I've taken drugs... when I was young... My doctor said to me 'Don't do drugs again, or you will die'.

...It's not quite Brian Harvey bigging up the virtues of ecstasy is it!?

A Dick spokesperson emphasised that he does not have a history of drug addiction and that he had, a very long time ago, "dabbled with drugs"

As is the case with celebrities getting busted on drugs these days, the spokesperson went on to state that it had actually been his medication; 150mg of Propiomazine...

...Which seems to be slang for 'vodka and a shit load of coke'...

22nd October

Don't Iceland make strong enough coffee?!

Former Atomic Kitten star Kerry Katona shocked viewers today after she made an erratic appearance live on This Morning.

The reality television star, who has previously battled drug and fish finger addiction, slurred her way through an interview with Fern Britton and Philip Schofield.

The presenters were clearly worried about her state and told her they had been contacted by viewers during her interview expressing concern.

Philip said: 'You don't seem right to me. You've got the body sorted but your speech is a bit slurred. How are you feeling?'

A surprised Kerry glanced off camera and asked: 'Is it? That's probably because I'm on medication at night-time, which I took at half past 11 last night, didn't I Mark?

'I was on a TV show last night. I wasn't talking like this yesterday, probably because it's early in the morning. I've got it with me - it's 150mg of Propiomazine.

She continued: 'Now this is going to be made into a huge, big publicity thing. I'm absolutely fine, all it is is my medication, I swear to God, I'm absolutely fine. I literally just got here. I'm fine, never been happier, I swear to God.'

Unconfirmed reports said she went on to say “Have I ever told you how much I love you?” and "your my best mate..." to Schofield, before offering Fern out in a wet t-shirt competition.

21st October 2008

The X-tremist Factor

You'd better steel yourself people, because it's only been two weeks and we're already riding these X Factor puns for all they're worth...

Everyone's second favourite Saturday night reality show has this week been the focus of a hate-fuelled verbal tirade from Muslim extremist Omar Bakri.

The ranting preacher slammed the talent show's finalists; surprisingly, not for being shit, but for releasing a charity single to support the British troops in Afghanistan.

Bakri's words have reportedly been taken as a terrorist threat against the show...

...Someone tell him that Girlband were voted off!

The show has already stepped up it's security; x-ray scans and extra police presence have been requested. These new security measures have already caught out Louis Walsh, who was caught trying to smuggle something into the studio up his ass...

...His head.

20th October 2008

Phantom Of The Eurovision

Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber has taken it upon himself to end the UK's dogshit Eurovision record.

In a video message released this weekend, the big Lord (I'll let you make your own jokes) does his best Kitchener impression by proclaiming "Your country needs you!"

Lloyd Webber will pen next year's Eurovision entry and another Graham Norton fronted talent show will stink up the Saturday night TV schedules to find the singer. Seriously, does Norton have nothing better to do on a Saturday!?

Lloyd Webber's face might look like it's melting but he is a legend in the field of musical campery and that is what Eurovision is all about...

But I'd like to know how he thinks he's anymore special than Scooch or a bin man, because it wouldn't matter if John Lennon rose from his grave and performed the UK's entry next year, because thanks to the Bloc voting that makes Robert Mugabe's 'elections' look positively democratic the only way we're ever going to win Eurovision is if we move the whole country into the middle of The Caspian Sea...

20th October 2008

Moose See TV

As I reported on Saturday; Sarah Palin appeared on 'Saturday Night Live' this weekend and in the process helped the show to it's best ratings for 14 years.

The opening saw Tina Fey once again doing the Palin impersonation that is criminally getting her more attention than the awesome '30 Rock' ever has, before the real Palin walked out onto the stage, causing the charlatan Palin to beat a hasty retreat... I say charlatan but if I'm honest I'd vote for Fey as Palin over Palin as Palin any day!

Palin delivered the show's trademark "Live from New York, it's Saturday night" opening after a skit that saw Tina Fey's '30 Rock' co-star Alec Baldwin mistaking Palin for Fey and insulting the Republican V.P. nominee, referring to her as "that horrible woman". Palin held her own though telling Baldwin that her favourite Baldwin brother was Stephen... She's clearly not seen his recent effort 'Shark In Venice'...

Palin wasn't done there though, she was later seen on stage dancing in her chair to a rap song performed by Amy Poehler that had originally been intended to be performed by Palin herself. The Alaskan Governor decided against performing the rap song entitled 'Eskimos' at the last minute in fear it may damage her campaign... Surely there should be an "any more" on the end of that sentence.

'Eskimos' made light of Palin's Alaskan background and saw actors dancing around on stage dressed as Eskimos, Moose and her husband Todd... Or what Palin would call an orgy...

18th October 2008

Saturday Night Pro-Life

Part Hockey Mom, part Lipstick-wearing Pitbull... Part comedienne?

If reports are to be believed, Sarah Palin will be appearing on tonight's Saturday Night Live. Despite seemingly having no time to take questions from journalists in recent weeks and with the election just over two weeks away, Palin seems to have her priorities straight; sketch show appearance first, foreign policy second.

SNL has seen it's viewing figures shoot up in recent weeks, thanks mainly to the amazing Tina Fey's impressions of the Alaskan Governor. Polls and reports have suggested that Fey's SNL portrayal of Governor Palin have done more to shape the U.S. voter's opinion of Palin than Palin's own media appearances.

Both Barack Obama and John McCain may have appeared on SNL during the campaign, but Palin's decision to appear on the New York-based sketch show now, of all times, smacks of desperation. With the show going out live though there's infinite possibilities for a Palin gaffe... And I for one can't wait.

16th October

From jumping the couch-

to jumping a cliff?!

Tom Cruise’s people are upset at a spoof Internet report that claiming the actor is dead.

A story surfaced this morning which claimed the Top Gun hero had passed away after falling off a cliff top in New Zealand.

The 'tragedy' at Kauri Cliffs apparently occurred on the set of Tom’s new movie.

But the star – is alive and well, insists his baffled agent.

However to suggest Tom’s never had a dangerous liaison with a Cliff may be taking it a little too far…

…although he’s never actually managed to get his hands on a Oscar.

16th October 2008

Mass Debating

I've been so busy writing snidey profiles on all the candidates, it's been a while since we reported on what was actually occuring in the U.S. Election...

Well, last night saw the two Presidential candidates square off in hand to hand combat in a fight to the death... Actually it was the final debate before the election but a death match would've been so much more interesting, imagine Biden Vs. Palin; Palin would have him gutted and roasting over a fire without breaking a sweat.

With McCain trailing Obama in the polls and the election just three short weeks away, after two shakey performances in the previous two debates, last night was Mr. Straight Talk's final chance to shine before the big day on November 4th. The star of last night's debate though wasn't McCain or even Obama, it was Joe The Plumber.

Joe The Plumber... I think I've seen one of his films; the one where he goes to fix that bored housewife's washing machine... Great film, and an extremely novel use of a screwdriver.

Back to last night's debate though; and McCain had arguably his best showing but it still doesn't look like being enough to save the old warhorse; polls taken after the debate had Obama coming out victorious by 58 points to McCain's 31.

As you can imagine, that old chestnut; The Credit Crunch dominated the debate, and McCain held his own on most of the big issues, possibly even coming off better than the always eloquent Obama on some.

McCain's downfall last night came in the fact that he couldn't just sit and listen to Obama; while Obama remained cool and patiently waited for his turn when McCain spoke, McCain was seen gritting his teeth and rolling his eyes as Obama spoke. Cut the guy some slack though, it was late and he gets cranky if he stays up past nine, plus he missed The Golden Girls marathon on Lifetime...

The big issue that seems to have divided the voters in the past week is Sarah Palin's accusation that Obama has been "palling around with domestic terrorists", a ludicrous accusation based on the most tenuous of links, and quite an ironic accusation when you consider the McCain-Palin ticket has been endorsed by the biggest terrorist in the World... Bush, I think his name is...

15th October

Guy to get lock, stock off two smoking biceps?

Madonna and Guy Ritchie have ended months of speculation about the state of their marriage by announcing they are to divorce.

The Material Girl's spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg today released a statement confirming the couple are to separate after nearly eight years of marriage but have not agreed on a settlement yet.

It’s reported Guy could get a cool £150 million.

Let’s hope he takes the money and retires.

I don’t want to have to be subjected to another gash gangster film.

15th October 2008

The Extras Factor

One live show in and X Factor is already dominating the news; so far this week we've had Noel Gallagher and former contestant Steve Brookstein publicly criticising the show and now Ricky Gervais has responded to Louis Walsh using him as an insult to one of the contestants on Saturday.

Louis, in between clapping like a retarded seal and telling everyone he "liked it", told Daniel Evans his performance was like "Ricky Gervais doing karaoke" and it clearly wasn't meant as a compliment. If he really wanted to put down Evans' performance, "You're shit, how the hell did you get through, has Dannii had botox in her brain?" would've been a lot more apporopriate.

Despite the fact that Louis couldn't even get Ricky's last name right, "Gervai", the comedian was obviously heartbroken by the comment; "Imagine Louis Walsh having a go at your looks... This is worse than when Dawn French said I was fat..." The Office star deadpanned.

I'd say it's worse, Louis Walsh insulting your looks is like Stephen Hawking insulting your dancing.

13th October 2008

The Bitter X...

Some people are so ungrateful... Steve Brookstein has hit out at the show that gave him his 2 seconds of fame; The X Factor.

The 'winner' of the show's first series has slammed the show and urged viewers not to phone in and waste their money, saying that the contestants would be humiliated and the talent show is "a human form of bear-baiting". Brookstein couldn't be more wrong; bear-baiting is far more entertaining and at least their cries of pain are in tune.

If he thinks X Factor is such awful television someone should have made him watch Peter Kay's horrendous spoof last night, then he'd really know what it's like to sit through the televisual equivalent of dog shit.

After winning the show in 2004, Brookstein had one hit before being unceremoniously dropped by his record label and now spends his time doing gigs at the likes of Butlin's and blowing lorry drivers at service stations for money (probably)...

But is Brookstein Bitter...? Now, where would you get an idea like that from...!?

13th October 2008

Virgin porn from outer space…

Sir Richard Branson has turned down a £500,000 bid to shoot a sex flick on his first Virgin Galactic space flight.

X-rated movie producers in the US wanted to film the hardcore porn aboard his shuttle due to take off in 2010.

But the billionaire owner of the world's first "spaceline" vetoed the zero-gravity grope.

A Virgin Galactic source said: "We're true to our name."

Tickets for the White-KnightTwo craft - called Eve and due to carry six passengers next year - have been on sale since 2005 at £110,000.

So far 280 people including Princess Beatrice and Stephen Hawking have paid deposits.

I just hope they weren’t both signed to up to star in the porn film…

…I’m sure the professor would have some new black hole theories capable of filling another book.

9th October 2008

If Only...

...The real Big Brother was like this... Big Brother host Davina McCall is killed by zombies in Charlie Brooker's new show "Dead Set".

The show sees a zombie outbreak savage London and the contestants in the house are some of the only people not affected, but soon all hell breaks loose. McCall plays herself in the show and from the picture above, seems to meet a particularly nasty end.

Brooker has described the show as "24 with zombies. And housemates. And gore" - sounds like a wet dream I once had.

As viewing figures for the real Big Brother continue to plummet, maybe Brooker has inadvertently given producers an idea of how to spice up the upcoming celebrity edition... The Minty Pocket news archive is filled with celebrities who I'm sure we'd all enjoy seeing get eaten by zombies...

...Look below for exhibit A.

8th October 2008

Saddlebags...

Apparently Jordan wants to compete at the 2012 Olympics.

No, tit growing hasn’t become an Olympic Sport but in dressage.

Yes, riding horses.

She has been taking her first steps towards fulfilling her dream, rehearsing ahead of the Horse of the Year Show this weekend.

Jordan, real name Katie Price, apparently looked comfortable riding her horse Dana at Birmingham's NEC, the same venue where she will compete in a few days time.

Jordan started riding horses when she was seven years old and, despite her array of other “commercial projects” (writing shit books and bringing out rubbish perfumes) she intends to dedicate herself to starting a career in riding.

Personally I thought she should’ve done it after that sex tape of her and Dane Bowers was released.

3rd October 2008

A lesbian you say...

Eamonn Holmes was left red-faced today after wrongly announcing Hollywood actress Salma Hayek was a lesbian on live television.

The 48-year-old presenter made the embarrassing gaffe while interviewing the Ugly Betty star on This Morning, which he hosts once a week with his partner Ruth Langsford.

The Belfast native was obviously struggling to understand Hayek's Mexican accent and thought she had 'come out' when he misheard her describing her Lebanese background.

“Your half lesbian?” exclaimed the dirty minded host with great interest, obviously imagining some sick live television love scenario with him, Selma and his missus.

After making the comment Eamonn began sweating before revealing a rather large bulge…

…nothing new there though….the button on his suit jacket had just broke.

1st October 2008

Stone me...

Sharon Stone has been refused primary custody of her adopted eight-year-old son because she wanted to Botox his feet to stop them from smelling, court papers reveal.

The 50-year-old star is accused of 'overreacting' to medical issues involving son, Roan, by a Superior Court judge who has turned down her request to move the boy to Los Angeles.

The details emerged in the court's 'Tentative Statement of Decision', which has been modified to give her ex, newspaper executive Bronstein primary custody of Roan, with Stone granted visitation one weekend every month.

Is there anything people won’t botox these days? It’s a good job it wasn’t around when Sharon did that famous scene in Basic Instinct…

…her vagina could’ve ended up looking like Leslie Ash.

September 22, 2008

Crack bore...

The patience of George Michael fans is apparently wearing thin after the singer was arrested near Hampstead Heath for the possession of a Class A drug, thought to be crack.

Michael, 45, was cautioned by the Metropolitan Police for possession of Class A and Class C drugs after being arrested in public lavatories near the heath, in northwest London, on Friday afternoon.

An attendant telephoned the police after becoming concerned at the singer’s behaviour as apparently he wasn’t masturbating.

In a statement last night Michael said: “I want to apologise to my fans for screwing up again, and to promise them I’ll sort myself out. And to say sorry to everybody else, just for boring them.”

Don’t bother releasing any new material then George.