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TV or not TV


Five Reasons to Get Excited About TV Again... 11th September 2009 I just couldn’t stay away! I know I said last week that TV or not TV would be taking a break until the beginning of October but there is so much going on Stateside as we head into the gold-mine that is the Fall season that I just had to return to the blog once more before my hiatus. In a little under two weeks I head to America myself and actually may be lucky enough to catch some of the shows that I’m about to big up and if I do, needless to say, I’ll be waxing lyrical on here. After the recent lull in decent shows on the box the Fall season in the US is about to kick off and rescue us all from the boredom of dull TV, so to celebrate that I decided to give you five reasons why you should start to get excited about TV again: 5. Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 7 The often imitated, never emulated ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ returns for a seventh season in a few short weeks and I for one cannot wait. When we last left Larry he had split from Cheryl and seemingly found happiness with Loretta Black (played by Vivica A. Fox). If I was a betting man which we all know I am, I’d wager that this new found happiness won’t be lasting long for Mr. David, but as long as the genius that is Leon Black (JB Smoove) returns for season 7 then that’s all that matters; Leon was a revelation last year and gave us quotable line after quotable line. It seems that ‘Curb’ has been off our screens far too long and Larry’s return –to actually give us something funny on TV again – cannot come soon enough. 4. Community Has been compared to the late, great ‘Arrested Development’ in many quarters, and revolves around a lawyer who has to go back to law school after his degree is deemed invalid. Joel McHale (host of ‘The Soup’) takes the lead and the show will follow his exploits at community college (hence the title). McHale’s Jeff will encounter a selection of weird and wonderful characters throughout the show, including ‘The Daily Show’s John Oliver, comedy flavour of the month Ken Jeong (the naked guy from ‘The Hangover’) and Chevy Chase (Chase in actually funny shocker!?). I have high hopes for this one, we’ve been lacking a good ‘traditional sitcom’ for a while now and hopefully ‘Community’ could fill that void. 3. Sons of Anarchy Season 2 Anyone who’s read this blog before will know exactly how I feel about this brilliant, brilliant show that debuted last fall season, well ‘Sons of Anarchy’ kicked off its sophomore year last week and promises to be darker and grittier than ever. The season begins with SAMCRO’s matriarch Gemma being gang-raped by a gang of White Supremacists – the Sons’ new enemies, so anyone who’s seen the show can imagine how that’s going to go down once Clay finds out. Away from that drama, there are still plenty of unanswered questions from last season, most notably the botched hit that claimed the life of Opie’s wife Donna and the ramifications that will have for the club. Ryan Hurst was awesome last season as Opie and has been promoted to series regular this time around so we should get hopefully get some meaty storylines involving him. Elsewhere, the undisputed star of the show, Charlie Hunnam as Jax, has his head firmly screwed on now and looks all set to challenge Clay for control of SAMCRO – the fuse has well and truly been lit for an explosive second year for the best new show to hit our screens in years. 2. Bored to Death Two words have made me practically ejaculate over this show: Zach Galifinakis. Yes, the most criminally unrecognised funnyman on Earth makes his return to TV in this Jason Schwartzman-starring comedy that also features Ted Danson. Basic premise seems to be that Schwartzman’s Jonathon Ames (the show’s actual creator) an alcoholic, pot-smoking, thirty-something, man-child novelist who after getting dumped by his girlfriend takes out an ad on Craigslist as a Private Detective – well we all grieve in different ways. Knowing nothing about being a Private Dick, Ames’ only source of experience is his stash of noir crime novels but he decides to take on the cases as they come in anyway. A host of great guest stars are lined up to appear in the first season of this latest HBO Original, the very underrated Patton Oswalt, the funniest woman alive Kristen Wiig and Oliver Platt to name but three. And if all that doesn’t make you want to watch, it’s got Zach Galifinakis and Ted fucking Danson in it! 1. FlashForward Possibly the most hyped new show since ‘Lost’ began five years ago, ‘FlashForward’ has already been secured by Channel 5 in the UK before an episode has even aired in the States; and in an unprecedented move of intelligence, Five are actually going to broadcast the show days after it airs across the pond. The show sounds very ‘Lost’-like and even shares a couple of actors, but when you consider it’s on the same network and ABC are no doubt hunting for a replacement for their Golden Goose then you can understand where the similarities may lie. Basically, for some unknown reason, all of mankind experiences a premonition of their life six months down the line for a total of 2 minutes and 17 seconds. When the event is over, many people are dead in car accidents and plane crashes etc. those who survived are left wondering what it all means and whether they can change the future that they saw, as most of them see a future that they don’t necessarily want (well it wouldn’t be much of a show if they saw a happy one would it?) The show boasts a nice cast already and with more actors scheduled to join as we go along (including ‘Lost’s Dominic Monaghan) it promises to be one hell of a show. The principal cast includes Joseph Fiennes as the lead if you will, ‘American Pie’s John Cho (MILF!), Gabrielle Union and the much underrated Brit actor Jack Davenport. Bizarrely, it is also reported that ‘Family Guy’ mastermind Seth MacFarlane has been cast in a recurring role. From the pen of ‘The Dark Knight’ scribe David S. Goyer and Brannon Braga (formerly of ‘24’) based on the Robert J. Sawyer novel of the same name ‘FlashForward’ promises to become the most addictive new show we’ve seen in a long, long time. TV Moment of the Week: Has been the blood-filled finale of ‘The Wire’. As the reduced fifth season has drawn to a close, a number of characters have met their maker, most shockingly Omar. The past few months, experiencing this brilliant show from start to finish have been a real treat and it’s a shame that the BBC’s run of the show is now coming to an end. The box sets are still out there though so anyone who has not yet immersed themselves in ‘The Wire’ still can, and really should – do you really want to say that you missed out on the greatest TV show of the past decade? Through The Wire 13th August 2009 Ever since the BBC decided to broadcast ‘The Wire’ from start to finish, I’ve been waxing lyrical about how it could quite possibly be the greatest television show of all time. And okay, like the BBC I’m pretty late to the party, but this isn’t one of those latte drinking, high brow, Guardian reading, new media types telling you this, it’s yours truly – the guy with the David Spade back catalogue in his DVD collection (yes, even ‘Joe Dirt’). It would take a number of men, all much smarter than I am, a very long time to really do justice to the argument in favour of this show’s place at the peak of the TV mountain, so instead I’m going to tell you what I think makes ‘The Wire’ so great. ‘The Wire’ is bold, visceral, slow-burning storytelling at its televisual finest – it could quite easily have been a New York Times’ best-selling novel. I’ve heard it all from the critics and those that don’t get it, about why ‘The Wire’ isn’t as great as so many claim it to be. The language used is often cited as a reason for people who can’t get into it, and I’ll admit, for the first couple of episodes some of the phrases may have been new to me but it’s not like they’re speaking another language, after a few episodes I could have had a full blown conversation with either the police or any of the corner boys. Another reason people use is the slow-burn nature of the show – you want cliffhangers and endless explosions? Stick to ‘24’, because this ain’t for you. But if you want intelligent, emotionally resonating drama that stays with you beyond the hour of your life it takes to watch the show then you need this show in your life. Believe the hype – ‘The Wire’ is as good as you’ve heard it is. The slow-burn aspect of the show is what I love so much about it, having become frustrated with the likes of ‘24’ and ‘Prison Break’ for their lazy often sloppy writing and storytelling for the sake of a cheap shock or ratings spike, to find the complete antithesis of both those shows in something that trusts in its audience to have the patience to wait for that payoff was a wonderful discovery. Having grown to know ‘Stringer’ Bell for three seasons, when he was killed at the end of season 3, by God did it mean something, and he wasn’t offed for a ratings bump or for a season ending cliffhanger, he was killed off because his story was told. This isn’t a show for those people who have TV ADD and can’t invest in something long term, you have to be prepared to dig in for the long haul with ‘The Wire’, but if you do, man, will you reap the benefits. The city of Baltimore is painted in such an unflinchingly bleak light, the drugs, the murder, the corruption yet it’s hard not to feel something for nearly every character in the show, which ever side of the law they are on – the lines are that murky it’s often difficult to tell who are supposed to be the good guys anyway. There isn’t a single character who I would say doesn’t have some sort of redeemable feature, even cold-blooded killers like Chris and Snoop have character traits that make you smile and often relate to them. Show creator David Simon (who is an author, which goes someway to explaining the novelesque feel of the show) worked in Baltimore at the Sun newspaper for some twelve years and if you ask me this is his, albeit twisted, love letter to the city. Simon has gone on record as saying that ‘The Wire’ wasn’t “selling hope” and he is right, this is uncompromisingly bleak, with death or prison time being the only outcome for most of the dealers. Each season of the show focuses on a different part of the city of Baltimore and each season I have thought to myself that it wouldn’t live up to the previous, and each season I have been proved wrong. Within the season premiere you feel like you already know the new characters, such is the strength of this show’s writing and characterisation. The show criminally never won any major awards and never really enjoyed massive commercial success, yet for its gritty and realistic portrayal of urban life it receives critical praise like nothing else. To start singling out characters and actors for praise would just be plain wrong as this is a universally great ensemble. By avoiding egos and big stars, ‘The Wire’ was able to make us believe completely in these characters, the acting is natural and organic and the effect is staggering. Arguably the biggest star, Brit actor (and Sheffield Wednesday fan – sorry had to get that in there) Dominic West had his role scaled back almost to the point of not even appearing in some episodes during season 4 yet he didn’t piss and moan as he, as you feel with the rest of the cast, loves the show and the character and it made sense. Sharing a myriad of its actors with HBO’s pioneering hour-long drama ‘Oz’ obviously helps with the quality of the acting, but there isn’t a weak link from the top to the bottom, even the supporting characters and extras are fucking brilliant. Like the aforementioned ‘Oz’ (see the ‘Oz’ feature We’re Not in Kansas Anymore – Behind the Walls of ‘Oz’ from a few weeks back for more on that great show) ‘The Wire’ introduces characters that you may think are nothing more than supporting players who then may disappear for a while, only to come back as key pieces to the puzzle. Everyone matters in this show, they all have their role to play and they all have an effect on the Baltimore landscape. Another way in which ‘The Wire’ succeeds is by flipping convention on its head, yet it never, ever comes across as contrived or unrealistic. Perhaps the show’s most fearsome character, stick-up artist Omar Little (played by the incredible Michael K. Williams) far from being an illiterate, gang banger is actually a rather philosophical homosexual who is perhaps the only character in the show who doesn’t use profanity. For a show so steeped in reality, this could and should come across fake and convoluted on screen, but Omar is presented and played in such a way that he is by far one of the most interesting characters in the show. He has often been likened to a Baltimore Robin Hood and in spite of what he is involved in he appreciates that there is a ‘code’. Stereotypes for cop shows are also smashed – the womanising cop pushing their domestic partner away is a woman and the minority candidate trying to become Mayor is white. And how can I forget the dirty junkie you can’t help but root for, I defy anyone to not be moved by the journey Bubbles goes on. The show’s socio-political themes are explored in greater depth than any show should be able to in just thirteen hour long episodes and unlike so much of today’s television; ‘The Wire’ has a message. Sure, you don’t need lecturing while you watch TV but ‘The Wire’s commentary on American inner city life, be it at the docks, on the street or in the mayor’s office is not only educational but utterly compelling and more addictive than the product being slung on the corners. As the top picture’s quote states: “Rules change. The Game remains the same”. Although ‘The Wire’ has cast its focus on other facets of Baltimore in the seasons since it debuted, it all comes back to the drug game and to the cops. However the personnel and the landscape of the city changed over the show’s five season run, the game remained the same and always will and that is ‘The Wire’s most ominous message. People cannot be saved – ‘The Wire’ didn’t sell salvation, it sold the cold hard truth that on America’s streets, and now more and more this seems to be applying to inner city British streets to, with the best of intentions things aren’t going to change. It was a daring move to offer such a bleak commentary on the World, but it paid off in spades as audiences came to respect a show that didn’t lie, that didn’t glorify violence and drugs, that didn’t bury its head in the sand but treated them like adults and offered to paint a more accurate picture of what is going on in places they may not see day to day but know all about more than any politician ever could. DVD box sets are, as I’ve enthused about before, not only saving shows from extinction and carrying on their memory, but they are also allowing fans to discover shows they may have missed first time around. I don’t think I’d be far wrong to say that few people watched ‘The Wire’ first time around but through word of mouth stronger than I’ve ever heard, more and more people are finding a show that deserves every ounce of praise ever laid on it. Anyone who is a fan of television and that visceral effect it can have on you like no other medium needs this show in their life, give it a chance and I promise you that once you go through ‘The Wire’, you’ll be hooked. Other Televisual Musings this Week: - Oh, how I loathe that twat on the 3 Mobile promo ads during Channel 4 original comedy. My fast forwarding has a nasty habit of stopping just at that prick is finishing one of his awful gags – the thing is I can’t decide whether his attempts at comedy are supposed to be ironic. If they are, then at least he’s not actually trying to be funny – he’s just an annoying cunt; but good lord if they are actually supposed to be funny then the continued decline of our civilisation is all but complete. “Séance, don’t you mean science?” – Fuck off you twat! - Speaking of Channel comedy, it was good to hear that Charlie Brooker’s ‘You Have Been Watching’ contributed to Danny Dyer’s decision to stop making television. Now if we can just get someone to make him stop doing films as well… TV Moment of the Week: - Clayton Rohner proving that he is in fact still alive by turning up for a brief moment in the very weird bonus episode of ‘Dollhouse’. The former ‘G Vs E’ star deserved a better career than he’s had and it was nice to see him again, if only for one very short scene. This finale/bonus episode of ‘Dollhouse’ felt very much like it was made when they were unsure if they would be getting a second season, now we know they definitely will be it felt very much out of place. Currently in my Sky+ Box... 6th August 2009 (Other recording systems are available) I’ve been meaning to do this for a while now. I write about TV each week, and from the shows that frequently compel me to write about them you can probably tell what I watch pretty well by now, but just in case, and in the spirit of sharing, here is what is currently series linked in my Sky+ box right now… ‘Top Gear’ – I don’t know what it is about ‘Top Gear’ – I don’t particularly have much of an interest in cars, beyond the fact that I enjoy that my car means I don’t have to catch the bus with people who smell like stale piss and biscuits, yet I feel like I’m missing out if I don’t tune in to these three idiots every week. I would never have watched the show in its old format, but since its 2002 revamp, ‘Top Gear’ has rightly become one of the BBC’s biggest shows. The real star of the trio though if you ask me is not Clarkson or the BBC’s new golden boy Hamster Hammond, it is unsung hero James May. May is a very funny man without being equal parts irritating, unlike the other two, and he really makes the show. The real magic of new ‘Top Gear’ though lies in the camaraderie between the three hosts, it really wouldn’t work without any of them, and as long as the three of them remain on the show, car-enthusiasts and non-car-enthusiasts alike will keep tuning in, because strange as it sounds; no one really watches ‘Top Gear’ for the cars anymore. ‘House’ – I feel ashamed of myself for not giving Dr. Gregory House a chance earlier than his fifth season. It has quickly become one of my favourite shows on TV and Hugh Laurie is simply astonishing as the titular MD and deserves every award he has won for the role. I ignorantly dismissed ‘House’ as a medical-centred show at first, and while this is of course inescapable (given the fact that it’s set in a hospital and is about doctors) it is so much more than that. The cast are universally flawless and away from the ‘case of the week’ relationships grow and fracture across the seasons. The calibre of guest stars they have been attracting as of late speaks volumes of just how good this show is and long may it continue. Recent developments between Foreman and ‘Thirteen’ have given their respective actors something to really get their teeth into (no pun intended) after weeks of treading water and House himself continues to be scathingly funny and mean in equal parts – Laurie does a superb job. If anyone has still not become a regular patient at Princeton-Plainsboro then do yourself a favour and stop by for a check-up in quality US television making and leave feeling nothing but utter disdain for the lame UK equivalents such as ‘Casualty’ and ‘Holby City’. ‘The Wire’ – There’s no other way of putting it – ‘The Wire’ quite simply is incredible – if it isn’t the greatest show in the history of television then its got to be up there challenging, because this is storytelling at its most visceral best. To explain all the reasons why this show is so great would take a lot more than a few lines of text (look out for a more in depth study next week) so all I can really say right now is that for the BBC’s run of the show we have half of season 4 to come and then season 5, if you haven’t already dipped into this show you really should, don’t be put off by the dialogue, the culture or the violence, just take a while and let it wash over you – you’ll soon be hooked on every nuance of the most addictive and compelling show to ever be beamed into your home. ‘The Daily Show with Jon Stewart’ – In another telling example of the lack of talent on these shores compared to our transatlantic brethren, can you think of anyone who could maintain a show of ‘The Daily Show’s calibre over here? Because I sure as shit can’t. What Jon Stewart does four nights a week, albeit with the help of an army of some of the funniest writers Stateside, is nothing short of spectacular. ‘The Daily Show’ continues to be bitingly satirical, hilariously funny and more relevant than any of the 24-hour networks – it is no wonder that most of America, and now Britain for that matter, use a ‘fake news’ show to keep up with US politics. It’s little wonder either that Jon Stewart was voted one of the World’s most influential men last year – I would take Stewart’s word over anyone in US politics any day (and that includes a certain Mr. Obama). The show has launched the careers of some of Hollywood’s finest and is starting to rival ‘SNL’ in the decorated alumni stakes, so my advice is tune in now so you can be in on the ground floor when the likes of Jason Jones, Wyatt Cenac and John Oliver become ‘the next big thing’ and as for Stewart, I think he’s very happy where he is; one of the World’s most influential men, hosting a ‘fake news’ show. ‘Dollhouse’ – Joss Whedon’s latest TV venture has had a rough ride, memories of ‘Firefly’s heinous treatment at the hands of FOX were still fresh and very raw, and with apparent network meddling it seemed ‘Dollhouse’ was doomed from the get go. After a few weeks of fair to middling episodes it seemed that Whedon was about to see another of his opuses shitcanned, but then something great happened – ‘Dollhouse’ got really, really fucking good. Getting away from Echo’s engagement of the week and delving deeper and deeper into the mythology of the dollhouse proved to be a masterstroke and in my opinion single-handedly got the show renewed for what will hopefully be an awesome second season. Shockingly Eliza Dushku is pretty forgettable in this (other than when she’s wearing ridiculously hot outfits) and it is the supporting cast of characters that really intrigue. Obsessed FBI agent Ballard, computer geek Topher and Echo’s kind-hearted handler Boyd are all joys to watch and the more we see of these compelling characters, the stronger the show gets. With the still developing first season just about wrapping up, the signs are all very positive for an insane (in a good way) second season – maybe Whedon isn’t cursed after all. ‘You Have Been Watching’ – Charlie Brooker’s ‘Screenwipe’/‘Flipside TV’ hybrid is finding its feet week after week. I still don’t wholly buy Brooker as a quizmaster type figure, in fact how he is forced to behave on ‘YHBW’ is the sort of thing I would think that he would normally spew his televisual venom on, but that aside – this is a very funny show that shines a light on some of the more ridiculous offerings our televisions present us with on a daily basis. The guests have become better as we’ve progressed – two weeks of Frankie Boyle and Reg D. Hunter this week have been very welcome, and the decision to start examining some of the more obscure and weird shows over more mainstream fare has definitely helped increase the laughs. Brooker seems to have been left pretty much to be himself which is surprising given that this is on C4, but hopefully the success of ‘YHBW’ will not mean the demise of ‘Screenwipe’, because as good as this is, it’s no ‘Screenwipe’. ‘Sons of Anarchy’ – Quite simply, the best new show out there. ‘Sons of Anarchy’ revved (sorry) on to our screens with a swagger that has now been proved more than justified. The first few weeks were often hit and miss but when the former Dutch Wagenbach, Jay Karnes showed up as a psychopathic ATF agent all hell broke loose. See the ‘Sons’ feature SAMCRO Forever from a few weeks back for a detailed look at why this show is the best thing on TV right now. ‘Sons of Anarchy’s success stems from it’s ability to strike the perfect balance between light and dark, uplifting and disturbing, tears of joy and tears of sadness & love and hate. The acting is insanely good, the characters have developed to a nice level for one season’s worth of writing and the town of Charming is poised for an explosion as the tension between most of the show’s major characters bubbles to the surface of this gritty melting pot. With season 2 just around the corner in the States do yourself a favour and familiarise yourself with a show that can fill a void left by some of the most acclaimed shows of the last decade – I’m talking ‘The Shield’ & ‘The Sopranos’ – its that good. ‘Mock the Week’ – Not just the funniest panel show on TV right now but the funniest panel show of all time. ‘Mock the Week’ may be rehearsed and/or scripted as the naysayers love to tell you but who gives a shit – this is half an hour of comedy of the highest order. Thanks mainly to Frankie Boyle who is a tour de force and leaves the others virtually gasping for air as he grabs every oxygenated globule of comedy out of the atmosphere (wow that’s a bizarre metaphor). Boyle is rightfully becoming a monster star on the comedy circuit and as long as he remains a regular fixture on ‘Mock the Week’, the show will continue to be one of the funniest things on TV. Russell Howard is a distant second in the funny stakes, leaving Andy Parsons, Hugh Dennis and the two guests trailing very far behind. ‘Mock the Week’ could quite easily be renamed ‘The Frankie Boyle Show’ but for now it remains the single funniest show in the current schedules. ‘Reaper’ – See last week’s ‘Reaper’ feature *(Don’t Fear) The Reaper* for an in depth look at why this show is so great and why it is such a tragedy that it has been unceremoniously cancelled. ‘Reaper’ combines comic book geekery with dark surreal humour and fuses it together into a very funny, quirky little show about one slacker’s unfortunate relationship with Satan. A great cast, larger than life performances and a nice soundtrack make this one of those hidden gems that deserves a fairer crack of the whip than it got. Enjoy it while you can folks, because pretty soon ‘Reaper’ has a one way ticket to hell… ‘Lie to Me’ – Tim Roth is to ‘Lie to Me’ what Frankie Boyle is to ‘Mock the Week’ (I bet you thought you’d never hear that comparison!) – without him this would be just another show. Roth is outstanding as Dr. Cal Lightman, the show might not be on a par with ‘House’s quality but Roth gives Laurie’s scenery chewing a run for the money. ‘8 Mile’s Mekhi Phifer could be a very nice addition to a rather lifeless supporting cast and if they can get away from the ‘Scooby Doo’ air of predictability that each episode contains then ‘Lie to Me’ could achieve great things. The show may be derivative, but the science of studying people’s faces gives Lightman and co. a power that can be both gift and curse and that is the side of them I want to see more of. FOX supposedly believes it has a hit on its hands with ‘Lie to Me’ and with a bit of TLC they just might. ‘Entourage’ – We’re not reinventing the wheel here and nothing ever really happens, but ‘Entourage’ remains one of the most watchable and hugely enjoyable shows out there. It’s a simple premise (that I will delve into deeper in a couple of weeks) but it works and then some. Always funny and often touching and sincere, ‘Entourage’ still manages to reel in huge stars and continues to be fresh and massively entertaining. Kevin Dillon has rightfully, finally been acknowledged with an Emmy nod for his role as Johnny ‘Drama’ Chase and it is richly deserved, while Jeremy Piven’s Ari grabs most of the headlines and plaudits it’s Drama’s sad sack, everyman loser with ideas above his station that consistently gives us the biggest laughs and feel good moments. If you’re looking for multi-layered, vivid storytelling, biting social commentary or hell, even originality – you won’t find it here, but what you will find is one of the most consistently feel good shows out there and when you pepper in some grade a comedy, what more can you ask for? ‘True Blood’ – The newest addition to my TV watching schedule, but perhaps the most exciting; ‘True Blood’ has the potential to right all the wrongs done by ‘Twilight’ and make vampires not just scary again, but interesting. Set in deep, deep ‘Deliverance’ country, watching ‘True Blood’ makes you feel dirty, it just has a hot, sweaty, Southern aura to it and it works as a direct contrast to the suave, otherworldly gentlemanly ways of the vampires. The concept is great, vampires walk among us but are treated as second class citizens – it allows for all manner of thinly-veiled social commentary on the treatment of minorities. A cast of virtual unknowns act their socks off in ‘True Blood’, special praise reserved for Ryan Kwanten as the dumber than a box of squirrels Jason Stackhouse. This eclectic show’s equally as eclectic cast of characters make you feel as though you are living in the backwater vampire invested town of Bon Temps. The ensemble townsfolk give a layering to ‘True Blood’ that is present in all the great TV shows out there at the minute but the out and out weirdness of ‘True Blood’ makes it something very intriguing and definitely the one to watch at the moment. TV Moment of the Week: - Daniel Sunjata turning in a very creepy performance on ‘Lie to Me’. He plays womaniser Franco on the award-winning ‘Rescue Me’ but has proved with his performance as a gay fashionista in ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ and now with this guest appearance as a serial rapist and pathological liar, that he is a very talented actor. This was the best episode of the season so far and it was largely due to Sunjata’s chilling performance – watching him pit his wits against Lightman truly was a battle for the ages. Next week go Through The Wire* with a special look at why ‘The Wire’ might just be the greatest TV show of all time.* (Don't Fear) The Reaper 30th July 2009 In a complete reverse of the famous Blue Oyster Cult song, it was the ‘Reaper’ that had something to fear going into its sophomore season. This quirky, original and very funny show had the axe hovering dangerously close to its demon-hunting neck from the get-go and it was a surprise to many that it returned at all. The inevitable soon happened though, and ‘Reaper’ is now officially no more, once the reduced season 2 wraps up over here it’ll be the end of Sam Oliver’s days as a reaper. I stated earlier in the year when this news first broke, that rather than mourn the loss of ‘Reaper’, that we should celebrate and savour the second and, sadly, final season of the show – so in that spirit, I’m dedicating this week to ‘Reaper’ and I’m going to do my damnedest to try and expose as many people to this hidden gem as I can before it disappears forever… ‘Reaper’ first caught my eye when I heard Kevin Smith was involved with the show, although Smith’s involvement turned out to be nothing more than directing the pilot, I was intrigued enough to stick around and subsequently developed a great love of this sorely underrated show. So where exactly does ‘Reaper’s charm lie? Well, it plays like a small screen ‘Shaun of the Dead’ – riffing on similar genre pieces and it clearly has a fondness for campy B-movies and horrors. Although we aren’t really treading new ground here on the demons/slayers front – to do it with a smile on its face is something different. From the ridiculous vessels Sam must use to capture the escaped souls to the strange powers the souls have, everything is highly campy and very fun. I like shows that make me laugh and shows that have underlying mythologies – ‘Reaper’ has both, in spades and it’s got Michael Ian Black; what more could you want!? The cast of ‘Reaper’ is almost universally good and the chemistry, especially between Sock, Ben and Sam is one of the show’s strongest points. Bret Harrison has had bad luck really with TV, he was invariably one of the funniest parts of ‘Grounded for Life’ (which was way past its sell-by date when it was mercifully taken out back and shot) ‘In the Loop’ went a similar way after only two patchy seasons and now ‘Reaper’ has been shamelessly pulled. This very talented young actor deserves a lot better than he’s been getting, he does the nerdy, everyman role better than almost anyone out there and, in spite of his bad luck, should have a very bright future. Rick Gonzalez has improved drastically in his role as Ben and the character has grown into a very important part of the show, when at first it seemed as though he may have been left by the wayside. The ‘Reaper’ crew obviously quickly realised that the relationship between the three male characters was where the show drew a lot of its laughs and a great deal of its heart from, and this subsequently became a big part of the show’s focus. ‘Heroes’ alum Missy Peregrym is suitably hot and lovely as Sam’s love interest Andi, although I dare say she could do more given the opportunity, and several of the supporting and recurring characters are well cast. The aforementioned Michael Ian Black and Ken Marino in particular were great in there roles as Tony and Steve – the demons that the gang ended up living next door to. The real stars of the show though are Tyler Labine as the oafish Sock and Ray Wise who has never been better, or cooler, as the devil. Labine in a way reminds me of a character from a Kevin Smith film, the way he talks, the things he does – he has the look of Silent Bob but the personality of Jay. His schemes and beautifully loose tongue are often the source of the show’s biggest belly laughs and this should be the role that launches him on to bigger things. Ray Wise is a veteran actor, with an eclectic list of credits to his name, but for my money he has never been better cast than as Sam’s employer in ‘Reaper’. He practically drips charisma every time he steps on screen and his tormenting of Sam is always amusing – the two of them have developed a nice relationship over the show’s run with the bantering becoming more frequent. It would have been nice to see The Devil show a more compassionate side towards Sam, but I suppose this is The Devil we’re talking about here! There would undoubtedly be uproar were The Devil to be portrayed as having a ‘nice’ side – just look what happened to ‘God, The Devil & Bob’. Either way, Wise has been great in ‘Reaper’ and with any luck won’t be far from our screens for long. ‘Reaper’ won’t be around for much longer, so people may think that there is no point in investing time and emotion in a show that will soon be coming to an end, but if you like the sort of quirky, affectionately made programming that too often gets overlooked in favour of the more polished, over-produced, big budget shows then you owe it to yourself to check this lovely little show out before it disappears into cancellation hell. Everything is right about ‘Reaper’, which is why it is so wrong that it was canned, the pace, the dialogue, the characters, the tone – it even has great use of music. Without beating you over the head with this – just take an hour out of your life and indulge in a little escapism through a young man forced to capture souls for The Devil. I’ve always thought that ‘Reaper’ is the kind of show I would write were I to ever break into TV writing, so maybe I’m rather biased, but the show has built up enough of a cult following to prove that we had something great here. So, once again, here’s to the DVD box set and long may ‘Reaper’ live on through those shiny little discs that allow shows to continue to make us smile long after the big bad networks have sucked them into a vessel and sent them to hell. ‘Reaper’ currently airs Thursdays at 9pm on E4 Other Televisual Musings this Week: - I’m still disgusted in myself that it has taken me four seasons to get into ‘House’, it has rapidly become one of the highlights of the TV schedule and is so much more than the “medical” show I’ve ignorantly dismissed it as for the past few years. My only gripe with the show thus far though is the criminal under use of Omar Epps as Dr. Eric Foreman. Epps is a great actor and I am shocked at how much of a periphery player he has been so far. Hopefully his kiss with ‘Thirteen’ this week will lead to something meaningful for the character and lead to more Epps screen time. Olivia Wilde is also growing on me as ‘Thirteen’ and again, hopefully this blossoming relationship with Foreman will lead to something more for her than simply pouting and looking miserable. - The staff at Charlie Brooker’s very funny ‘You Have been Watching’ obviously realised they were on to a winner last week by having the unbelievably hilarious Frankie Boyle as a guest, as they had him on again this week. Every time Boyle opens his mouth, whether it’s on this or on his regular home ‘Mock the Week’, you just know something funny is going to come out, the guy could very well be my favourite working comedian right now. - The ‘Californication’ finale last week was a little disappointing for me (to quote Randy Jackson). After such an awesome season I half expected Hank to go out with a bang, but it was all a bit soppy and nice – but then again so was last season’s finale, and look how great season 2 turned out. The lack of Ashby grated me slightly, he had been such a big part of the season and yet he was seemingly quickly forgotten. Hank wearing Lew’s prized Motley Crue t-shirt was a nice touch, and his memorial statue was straight up brilliant, but I would have liked to have seen more focus on the book Hank toiled over all season and maybe a follow up on Lew’s lost love Janie Jones… Maybe in season 3? One swallow doesn’t make a summer though (or whatever the opposite of that phrase is) and it can’t be argued by any sane person that this hasn’t been a fabulous season of a truly awesome show. I’m already counting down the days until season 3 and I’ve said it before: ‘Californication’ actually makes me want to break my ‘no downloading TV’ rule. - ‘Dollhouse’ reached its penultimate episode this week and proved once and for all that it is so much better when it gets away from its whole ‘client of the week’ shtick and focuses on the mythology of The Dollhouse. I appreciate that some padding episodes were needed to explain exactly what it is that the dolls do on their ‘engagements’ but hopefully that has now run its course and season 2 will be 100% all out myth-arcs and action. If this show is to survive it needs to become must-see and breaking off season long storylines for an episode where Echo dresses like a school girl, while nice, do not keep the viewers wanting more. ‘Firefly’ vet Alan Tudyk was simply brilliant in his guest role this week, hysterically funny and then supremely creepy in the space of about five minutes. As the stoner he had me in stitches several times, and then the reveal of him as Alpha, while head-scratching, was great and he really amped up the creepiness. I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes in next week’s finale and really hope that Tudyk becomes an important part of the ‘Dollhouse’ universe. TV Moment of the Week: - Donna eating lead on ‘Sons of Anarchy’. Tig’s botched murder of Opie may have been heart-wrenching for some people but getting to see Sprague Grayden gunned down was very rewarding for me. After she practically ruined the second half of season 7 on ‘24’ with her annoying performance as Olivia Taylor it was nice to see her get some comeuppance on another show, even if Donna wasn’t anywhere near as annoying. ‘24’ let Olivia off very lightly for how rabidly the fans wanted to see her get her just deserts, so this kind of felt like closure (yes, I know its only TV!) Next week’s finale promises to be incendiary and I can’t wait to see what effect the fallout from Donna’s death has on the Sons. We're Not in Kansas Anymore... - Behind the Walls of 'Oz' 16th July 2009 In an episode of ‘Family Guy’, Lois, mistakenly believing that dim-witted son Chris has killed a man and fearing he may go to prison for the deed, comments: “I can't call the police. I have to get rid of this body or Chris will go to prison, and we all know what happens in prison showers! I've seen ‘Oz’!" Anyone who has seen ‘Oz’ will know exactly what the Griffin family matriarch is talking about, because this is the most brutal TV show I have ever seen. ‘Oz’ should be beamed into classrooms around the world to scare kids into keeping on the straight and narrow – you want to cut knife crime Mr. Brown? Round the punks up, make them watch a season of ‘Oz’, tell them this is their future and you watch those crime figures plummet… Much like ‘The Wire’, ‘Oz’ didn’t glamorise crime and prison life, it depicted it as the appalling environment that it is – remember that first brilliant season of ‘Prison Break’ and multiply the brutality and grit by about a thousand and you’ll go someway to understanding just how dark and disturbing this show was. One of the most violent shows in TV history – nearly every major character winds up dead eventually – ‘Oz’ was the first show of this nature produced by HBO (which of course went on to produce the likes of ‘Deadwood’, ‘The Wire’ and ‘The Sopranos’, to name but a few). Its unashamed depiction of prison life – the violence, the foul language, the drugs and the sex was, unsurprisingly, controversial at a time where these vices were less commonplace on television. ‘Oz’, like so many of these subsequent controversy-courting shows, is far more layered and is about so much more than the headline-grabbing aspects that the moral brigade seized upon. Show creator Tom Fontana had a hand in the writing of each of the 56 episodes of ‘Oz’ that were broadcast, which meant that he was able to keep his vision for the show completely within his own control and ensure that each arc went where it was supposed to. Unlike ‘Prison Break’, ‘Oz’ very rarely strayed beyond the prison walls and on the odd occasion it does, it ironically reveals a world even more morally ambiguous than inside the Oswald State Correctional Facility. Each episode explores a certain theme, ranging from Norse Mythology to The U.S. Postal Service and everything in between, such as family, death, sex, drugs, love, sport and the media. It is testament to the show’s philosophical depth and consistently strong writing that a show that features uncensored scenes of rape, homosexual sex, murder and drug abuse can cover so many labyrinth like themes & issues and present a more academic and grown up study than most of the supposedly high-brow TV shows out there. ‘Oz’s focus on the US correctional system’s struggles is as fascinating as its examination of the frighteningly cut throat prison hierarchy – both are equally as corrupt, only the blood on the hands of the prisoners is grimly non-metaphorical. ‘Heroes’ and ‘24’s Zeljko Ivanek played the corrupt and seemingly soulless Governor Devlin and bred a contempt for his character on a par with any of the murderous inmates within ‘Oz’ with his every appearance. In one of the more bizarre casting choices on ‘Oz’, and believe me there are plenty, it is ‘Ghostbusters’ Winston – Ernie Hudson who is charged with overseeing the most violent prison known to man. It is often noted in the show that he is “the best man for the worst job” and when you’re Warden of a prison that makes San Quentin look like Pontins that’s a pretty ringing endorsement. Corruption and loose morals are as rife within the ‘Oz’ guards as the prisoners, with nearly every C.O. at one point or another committing some sort of crime themselves. Of the prison’s staff, Tim McManus – the brains behind Emerald City – ‘Oz’s centrepiece and the setting for most of the action – is featured most prominently. McManus is a self-destructive womanizer but he firmly believes in prison’s capability to redeem prisoners. Terry Kinney is great as the idealistic McManus and manages to make viewers feel both sympathy and disgust for him. While McManus believes in justice and treats the prisoners as human beings regardless of what they have done, he is egotistical and self-righteous – like so many of ‘Oz’s protagonists he is fundamentally flawed. In addition to McManus, we also have the two people who are possibly the only ‘good’ guys in the show: Father Mukada – the prison Chaplin and Sister Peter Marie – a nun who is also the prison’s counsellor. While both are supposedly ‘good’ and ‘righteous’ both are also flawed, Mukada in particular. Religion plays such a major role inside the walls of ‘Oz’, something that is only amplified further by the arrival of Kareem Said – a Muslim Nationalist who leads the Muslim inmates of ‘Oz’. ‘Oz’s intelligent, adult handling of each religion is one of the most refreshing and bold things I’ve witnessed on a TV screen – no one is judging and everyone is given the same opportunity – much like Emerald City tries to do for the inmates. Religion plays a big part in the gang mentality of ‘Oz’, but not as much as race. There are the Aryans, the Homeboys, the Muslims, the Latinos, The Irish and, to a lesser extent, the Bikers. It doesn’t matter what is on a person’s inside, the colour of their skin is enough to get them very dead, very quickly in ‘Oz’. Alliances are tentatively made and unceremoniously broken between certain gangs – but others wouldn’t piss on a rival gang member if he was on fire… in fact they’d probably throw on more gasoline. ‘Oz’s greatest triumph though, is the humanisation of these villains and tortured souls – each has their Achilles heal, even the most sadistic, hardened con is breakable. The incomparable Ryan O’Reilly goes from Machiavellian manipulator to loving brother in the space of a single episode, Nazi scumbag Vern Schillinger becomes almost sympathetic as a disapproving father dishing out tough love and then there’s ‘Oz’s single most relatable character who goes on a harrowing journey that also makes him the show’s most disturbing character. Tobias Beecher was not prepared for prison life, a Harvard Law Graduate he was imprisoned for vehicular manslaughter while intoxicated and soon discovered the harsher side of prison life. He was routinely humiliated by Schillinger; the leader of the Aryans raped Beecher and branded him with a swastika, amongst other degrading acts. Beecher eventually flipped and temporarily blinded Schillinger before shitting on his head in front of half the inmates. Beecher often remarked that ‘Oz’ made him “into the man he always was” which is a very scary commentary on just what prison life can do to one’s psyche. Beecher eventually adapts to prison life but his sanity is pushed to the brink, he loses several members of his family due to his conflicts in ‘Oz’ and embarks on a highly destructive love affair with fellow inmate Chris Keller. Lee Tergesen’s performance as Beecher is incredibly compelling and arguably one of the best performances in the show, which in a prison filled with awesome characters is quite a compliment. Also standing out is Dean Winters as the aforementioned Ryan O’Reilly. O’Reilly is a cerebral assassin – he orchestrates almost every death in the show’s incendiary first season, without ever spilling a drop of blood himself. Winters captures O’Reilly’s quiet menace perfectly and O’Reilly is definitely my favourite character on the show. But in all honesty, there are great performances in practically every Emerald City pod. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (‘Lost’s Mr. Eko) is completely loco as the deranged Simon Adebisi, Kirk Acevedo is great as the man with the lives of a cat Miguel Alvarez and then there’s another ‘Lost’-‘Oz’ crossover star: Harold Perrineau, as series narrator Augustus Hill. Hill’s role in the show has been likened to the Greek chorus in ancient theatre, providing exposition and summaries for the audience to help them follow the action. While he is incarcerated, like the other prisoners within in Em City, Hill also talks directly to the viewer, breaking the fourth wall and seemingly being omnipresent. Perrineau excels in his role and although the Hill character sometimes makes it feel like ‘Oz’ doesn’t trust its viewers to deduce the message being carried in the episode and rather beats us over the head with it; Augustus Hill never wears out his welcome, unlike some TV narrators – I’m looking at you Carrie Bradshaw. The turnover of characters on ‘Oz’ is almost unprecedented but unlike another show with a massive cast turnover: ‘24’, where they replace the dead with new characters, in ‘Oz’ background characters and prisoners who’ve been nothing more than glorified extras suddenly come to the fore and become important pieces of the ‘Oz’ jigsaw. The cast of ‘Oz’ have gone on to varying amounts of success in the six and a half years since the prison was evacuated – there has been a huge crossover with another compulsive HBO show ‘The Wire’ with many of the ‘Oz’ ensemble cropping up at some point alongside McNulty and co. on the streets of Baltimore. Shockingly none of the show’s main cast members went on to become huge stars, Dean Winters though has become a dependable TV actor – giving great performances on the likes of ‘30 Rock’ and ‘Rescue Me’, and for my money would have made a hell of a lot better Max Payne than Mark Wahlberg. Acevedo and Tergesen have also carved out nice TV careers along with the aforementioned actors with the ‘Lost’ ties. Arguably though, it’s J.K. Simmons (Schillinger) that has tasted the most success post-‘Oz’ with his role as Peter Parker’s rather loud editor at the Daily Bugle J. Jonah Jameson in the ‘Spider-man’ films and his appearances in ‘Juno’ and the Coen Brothers remake of ‘The Ladykillers’. ‘Oz’ has left quite a legacy behind, as I’ve already mentioned – it pioneered the HBO hour long serial drama that has since given us some of the best TV of recent times. It was also one of the first shows to give us the profanity, violence and sex that we have almost become desensitised to; ‘Oz’ is also, in my opinion, the finest prison-based narrative to ever hit the small screen… Or the big screen for that matter. The DVD’s continue to sell well, especially here in the UK where the geniuses at Channel 4 decided to stick it in the graveyard slot and constantly change air time and day. So in this culture of multi-season box sets where shows can develop cult followings even after they end – what better time to engross yourself in one of the most disturbing, yet compellingly brilliant, shows of all time. ‘Oz’ Seasons 1 – 6 are available on Region 1 & 2 DVD now. Other Televisual Musings this Week: - A new pre-lottery quiz began this past weekend – ‘Guesstimation’ which is hosted by Nick Knowles and involves the contestants having to guess closest to a series of facts and statistics… i.e. Guess how many weeks it will be until this unparalleled waste of license fees is cancelled? - It was good to see ‘Good Vs. Evil’s Richard Brooks turning up on ‘Lie to Me’ last week, he’s a charismatic guy and is capable of so much more than supporting character/suspect number four on a mediocre crime drama, but still at least he’s still on my screen… Which is more than we can say for Clayton Rohner. Likewise, it was a pleasant surprise to see Wood Harris – a.k.a. ‘The Wire’s Avon Barksdale – turn up as a SWAT team commander on ‘House’ this week, a show which continues to surprise me in its greatness each week. - ‘Entourage’ returns for a new series tonight (Thursday 16th July) and in spite of the fact that I completely missed season 5 (thanks again ITV2) and have as yet still been unable to get hold of it, I’m still looking forward to Vince and the gang’s return. ITV2 have again decided that not marketing the show’s return is a good strategy (note to ITV – FX’s promotion of ‘True Blood’ which premieres Friday [10pm – make sure you watch/sky+ it!] is how you promote a new/returning show) so I’m here to tell you all to tune in for one of the simplest, yet funniest and damn entertaining shows out there. - If I wasn't such a perv then Omar and Brother Mouzone finally catching up with Stringer and gunning him down in the penultimate episode of ‘The Wire's great third season may have made my TV moment of the week. Elsewhere in Baltimore this week, ‘The Wire’ showed why it is one of the, if not THE, greatest shows of all time with one simple scene - as Mouzone's right-hand man visited a gay bar in search of the elusive Omar, who was in the background cutting loose but grizzled Deputy Police Commissioner Rawls. Even if this suggested homosexuality is never referenced again it is this type of layering and interconnectivity that brings Baltimore to life in ‘The Wire’ - it was a purely brilliant moment in a show that is the most engrossing thing on TV and a nice reward for eagle-eyed viewers (read: geeks) like me. - Charlie Brooker's ‘You Have Been Watching’ has been a very nice addition to the TV schedules - part ‘Screenwipe’ / part ‘Flipside TV’ the show seems to have been mercifully uncensored by the Baboons who run Channel 4 and Brooker has been left free of the meddling constraints that a prime time slot on one of 'the big 4' usually brings. - The 2009 Primetime Emmy nominations were revealed today and while there were some boring choices and some outright ridiculous choices (‘The Big Bang Theory’), for the most part the nominations were relatively un-anger-inducing. Nice nods went to Kevin Dillon, who is usually royally ignored for his contribution to ‘Entourage’ while Piven takes the plaudits, and for Michael J. Fox's guest role on ‘Rescue Me’. Bizarrely though, after giving the performance of a lifetime to save this season of ‘24’, there was no love for Carlos Bernard (yes, I know I'm biased) yet somehow Cherry Jones managed to pick up a nomination for her role as ‘24's female President - go figure. It was nice to see ‘Flight of the Conchords’ get some love too and I'm glad it was Jemaine who got the nod for comedy actor, but who are we kidding? Come the big night we all know it's going to be ‘30 Rock’ and ‘Mad Men’ quite rightfully bogarting the little gold statues again. TV Moment of the Week: Eliza Dushku in dominatrix gear on ‘Dollhouse’ – great show just got a hell of a lot greater… (Plus, any excuse to publish this picture!) Televisual Musings and Beyond... 12th - 19th June 2009 It’s been a busy old week this week with no time for feature writing and I don’t want to over do my usual lazy get out clause ‘What I Learned from Watching TV this Week’ so instead here are some musings, televisual and beyond, from the past week… Be sure to hit up TV or not TV next week though for a Why Aren’t they More Famous? Special - featuring five very underrated, and very funny, actors/comedians who don’t get the recognition they deserve… But back to this week’s musings: - I know it’s not cool to admit it but I like ‘8 out of 10 Cats’, there I said it… “My name is Gareth, and I like ‘8 out of 10 Cats’… Hi, group” The panel show returned to our screens this past week and as usual was very, very funny. Clarkson is always a great guest on any show and the two captains Jason Manford and Sean Lock are two exceptionally funny men (Lock in particular) but the real surprise was ‘Apprentice’ favourite James McQuillan who held his own with the comedians and actually contributed more and was funnier than the female comic whose name escapes me (she made that much of an impression!) So here’s to something funny to finally watch on a Friday night after a few beers other than Jonathan Ross (who had another good line-up last week, with the exception of Sue Perkins obviously – Sue from Mel & Sue Wossy? Really? Who pulled out?) because I’m not ashamed to say it loud and proud – “I like 8 out of 10 Cats!” - I tweeted it earlier this week, but why have I not been watching the U.S. ‘I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!’? Two Baldwin brothers, Lou Diamond Phillips and Rod Blagojevich’s wife in the jungle - it sounds like the greatest B-Movie ever! Why don’t we ever get a line-up like that!? We should be grateful though, when you see that our Trans-Atlantic brethren get Mylene Klass as a co-host it makes you appreciate just how great Ant & Dec are… Even if Dec is tapping Georgie Thompson – I still haven’t forgiven him for that… - Seen as we’re going beyond this week, I thought I’d take a moment to talk about my football team (I mean that figuratively, I don’t own them) Sheffield Wednesday, who will not be having a corporate sponsor plastered across their shirts this coming season, but instead will be seen sporting the name and logo of a local children’s hospital and will donate profits from shirt sales to said hospital. Now, not to get all self-righteous and preachy on you, but in a game that is increasingly becoming more and more about the money, for a club who are still in mountains of debt to give up a potentially lucrative sponsorship deal for charity - especially in the current financial climate - to me is a very classy move, and one that makes me even prouder to be a fan of the blue half of Sheffield… …I just hope this good karma translates on to the pitch - bring on Barnsley on the opening day of the season! - ‘House’ continues to be highly enjoyable in its fifth season – I still can’t believe it’s taken me this long to get into this brilliant show; but this week’s episode made me wonder if Olivia Wilde is consciously taking on bi-curious roles. After playing man (and woman) eater Alex on ‘The O.C.’ her Dr. ‘Thirteen’ Hadley is also swinging both ways, could this have played into her recent ranking as number 1 on Maxim’s Hot 100 list? A cynical man would say yes, given that the world’s supposed sexiest woman Megan Fox has also admitted to playing for both sides – it’s lucky I’m not a cynical man then… - ‘Rules of Engagement’, which I dedicated a feature to a while back, continues to be a highlight of the TV week for me. It’s not very original, it’s not controversial and it’s probably never going to win any awards but it’s just very, very funny. Comedy these days has to be borderline offensive and controversy courting, so it’s very refreshing to see a classic formula sitcom delivering big belly laughs on a weekly basis – I can’t give enough credit to the three male cast members for their contribution to this show’s continued quality, Spade and Warburton especially, are the main source of most of the show’s best moments and its good to see these two comedy veterans in great form and seemingly enjoying every minute. - This week I managed to get out to see ‘The Hangover’, a very funny film that has actually provided the inspiration for next week’s blog. I cannot stress enough how great this film is, given those involved I had high expectations, and usually that only leads to disappointment, but like a Subway foot long meatball marinara, ‘The Hangover’ left me more than satisfied. Out of the leading men, Bradley Cooper was probably the biggest star going into this and hopefully he should now have cemented his status as a popular comedy actor. Messrs Helms and Galifianakis though were relative unknowns, especially outside of the States, but if there is any justice in the world that should all change now and people the world over will get to appreciate the genius of these two men, Galifianakis especially. Check him out on youtube or on Will Ferrell’s Funny or Die site if you need further proof of this man’s brilliance. Back to ‘The Hangover’ though, and you seriously will not be disappointed, it’s fast, furious and fucking funny. No one will go in with higher expectations than I did and if I can come out still laughing to myself then surely anyone will. This film has some great dialogue, nice bro-mance relationships, physical comedy, awesome sight gags (don’t leave before the credits), hilarious pop culture references, Mike Tyson singing Phil Collins, Heather Graham’s right breast and star-making performances from it’s three leading men – what more could you ask for!? - After Murray, Dave (Arj Barker) continues to be the best thing on ‘Flight of the Conchords’ during this, at times, disappointing second season. His non-sequitars, utterly untrue stories and foul language are usually the source of some of the show’s heartiest laughs and he regularly steals the odd scenes he appears in. This week’s episode also saw ‘SNL’s very funny and very sexy Kristen Wiig in a nice guest role – I have great hopes that Wiig’s brilliantly deadpan delivery will see her eventually taste the sort of press and success that has been achieved by fellow ‘SNL’ alumni Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Again, apologies for the rather disjointed nature of this week’s blog, normal service will be resumed next week though, so don’t miss the TV or not TV - Why Aren’t they More Famous? Special… Dream of 'Californication' 12th June 2009 You could trawl through each of the nine hundred some channels beamed into your home through your digi-box, spend 24 hours watching each one and you would never find a better show than the awesome ‘Californication’. The best show on TV right now, ‘Californication’ is consistently delivering some of the freshest, most original writing on TV and it is a joy to behold. In the six long months I’ve been doing this blog I don’t think I’ve readily quoted any show as much as I have with ‘Californication’ – and we’re only six episodes in to this sublime second season. Sometimes with drama-dies the ‘edy’ part is seemingly lost by the wayside but ‘Californication’ is funnier than 90% of ‘comedies’ out there. I lost count of the number of times I laughed out loud during last Thursday’s episode - but suffice to say it was a lot. The dialogue is so beautifully written – think how cool Diablo Cody tried to make the dialogue in ‘Juno’, but less awkward and forced when it actually gets on to the screen, and you’ll be someway to understanding just how perfect the penmanship for this show is. Sure the more salty language is always good for a cheap laugh but there is so much more to the words that are uttered by Duchovny et al than the shock factor of an f-bomb. The way Hank interacts with his Satanist daughter Becca should seem fake and scripted but it doesn’t, and that’s not only testament to the amazing performances by David Duchovny and Madeleine Martin but also to the strength of the writing – take that Cody. As a writer, you would expect Hank to have somewhat of a flair for words, but he surpasses anything you could possibly imagine: going from vulgar, crude (and hilarious) to sensitive and prophetical in a matter of seconds. His relationship with Lew Ashby this season has been a particular highpoint for me with Ashby seemingly having become a surrogate Charlie while Charlie is off becoming a snow-blind porn baron. The great dialogue is not just limited to Hank though; the aforementioned Charlie and his at times demented coke fiend wife Marcy generally have some fantastic exchanges which, especially this season, are herniatingly funny. In spite of the myriad great performances on display and note-perfect writing ‘Californication’ is Duchovny’s show and he has never been better. Anyone who still thought of him as ‘The X-Files’ moody conspiracy-theorist Fox Mulder had their view completely skewed when Hank Moody slithered onto our screens, and from that opening scene where he was fellated by a nun, you knew that this was a very different Duchovny we were seeing. Or was this actually the real Duchovny? Because in one of the most bizarre cases of life imitating art it was announced last year that Duchovny was checking into rehab for sex addiction, but that’s his business and we wish him well – if for nothing more than the sake of the show – no one wants to see Hank Moody fucking a TV Chef and be wondering if Duchovny’s actually had his end away with Delia Smith. Anyone who knows Duchovny's body of work outside of ‘The X-Files’ though will know that Fox Mulder is about as far removed from David Duchovny the man as you can get – witness his work on ‘The Larry Sanders Show’ in a recurring role as himself to see that this man was born to do comedy. It’ll be a real shame if ‘Californication’s dwindling viewers cause a cancellation, because in spite of ‘The X-Files’ cult appeal this is how we should remember Duchovny – he is in the form of his life as Hank Moody and readily chews each and every piece of scenery in every scene he is in. If you haven’t already caught this highly original and just out and out brilliant show you really need to. The sex and profane language may not exactly be groundbreaking, but in a world where you can say and do increasingly less without facing some sort of backlash, they are highly refreshing. Thankfully Hank hasn’t fallen victim to budget-cutting TV execs over his summer hiatus and will soon be returning for a third season of debauchery and colourful language, so now is the perfect time to join the ‘Californication’ revolution and get caught up in time for season 3, I promise you, you will not be disappointed… ‘Californication’ Season 2 is currently airing Thursdays @ 10pm on Fiver. Other Televisual Musings this Week: - So ‘Big Brother’ is back and I’ve made myself a promise that I’ll be staying well clear this year and that already seems like one of the best decisions I may ever make. A week in and if I didn’t sporadically check The Sun website for news stories to make fun of I wouldn’t even know it was back on our screens. The days when it was front page news now seem long gone, interest this year really does seem to be dwindling and I wonder how long it’s going to take the producers to realise that upping the fame-hungry, desperate and out and out freak quota does nothing but turn people off. I still firmly believe that the show succeeded initially because we were intrigued to see real people interacting in such an extraordinary environment, but slowly ‘Big Brother’ has become more and more of a caricature of itself - typified by this years batch of liggers. I say we just pump noxious gas into the ‘Big Brother’ house’s air conditioning system then we can have an outcome we can all be happy with. - ‘The Apprentice’ drew to a close on Sunday night and in a result that some would call shocking, Yasmina was declared the victor. If we’re honest, either one of them could have won; they were the best of a bad bunch after all. I had to laugh when Alan Sugar said that they were the best two he’s had in the final yet – I don’t even think he believed what he was saying at that point! All the contestants have been competing all year to hear just two little words from Sugar: “You’re hired!” and it was just two little words that ensured I didn’t watch the Adrian Chiles fronted spin-off of the same name straight after the main show: “Ruby” and “Wax” – seriously how does that woman still find gainful employment? The Apprentice is a massively popular show, was she really the best they could do? - ‘House’ has finally made the move that all successful US shows eventually make on these shores: the defection to Sky1. We’ve seen it before with the likes of ‘24’, ‘Lost’ and ‘Prison Break’ – if the BBC hadn’t had the foresight to ink ‘Heroes’ to a long term deal then you can bet your sweet little ass that we’d already be watching Sylar switch allegiances for the millionth time in High Definition by now. But back to ‘House’, I’d never really watched it properly until now so I can’t comment on his new diagnostic team compared to the old one or how the show has developed over its five incredibly successful seasons, like the seasoned and well-versed TV scholar that I clearly am I can only pass judgement on four episodes of one of the most popular shows of the last five years – I’m such a pro… My ignorance aside, all I can say is that I like what I’ve seen, like one of House’s patients I’ve been exposed to something contagious and somewhat intangible and I can’t get enough. Hugh Laurie deserves every single plaudit he has received for his performance as Dr. Gregory House as he is truly outstanding – it’s hard to believe this is the same guy who appeared in Ben Elton’s ‘Maybe Baby’. The first four episodes have been made all the more enjoyable by Michael Weston’s presence as the sleazy yet sensitive Private Investigator Lucas Douglas who has been the perfect foil for House. Sadly his involvement in the show has now ended, although if the rumoured spin-off involving the Lucas character is true then I will definitely be tuning in. For now though, I’m going to continue making up for lost time by revelling in the acerbic greatness of ‘House MD’. - ‘Dollhouse’ continues to be a pleasant surprise – as a massive Joss Whedon fan and a pretty big Eliza Dushku fan my hopes for this show were sky high but I never thought for one minute that I would end up being anything but disappointed by their new collaboration. But lo and behold, ‘Dollhouse’ continues to be thoroughly entertaining; it’s funny, thrilling and at times emotionally resonating. It is never going to fill the void that ‘Firefly’ and ‘Tru Calling’ left in my life but it’s a damn site better than having nothing at all from Whedon and Dushku. Although I am starting to get concerned that the show is nothing but an excuse for Dushku to constantly take off her clothes and/or dress up in fetish gear – not that I’m complaining! - So, okay I’m a little late on this one but: NBC have fucking cancelled ‘My Name is Earl’! Are you shitting me!? ‘Earl’ is one of the most consistently laugh out loud funny shows on TV and I just can’t imagine what they were thinking over there at the old rainbow peacock. There are rumblings of a resurrection on another network and countless petitions lining cyberspace but I for one doubt we will be seeing Earl, Randy and co. on our screens again so my advice is to enjoy what’s left of the current run over here while you can because it looks to me as though Earl may have crossed off his last list item. What I Learned from Watching TV this Week 30th May - 5th June 2009 It’s been hot this week and I don’t think well in the heat, so instead of a feature, here are some more useful nuggets I picked up from watching TV this week: The British public are actually capable of having an original thought. Yes, in spite of all my recent ranting about how ‘Britain’s Got Talent’s outcome had been decided long ago, an actual surprise occurred on a Simon Cowell show Saturday night as Diversity defeated Susan Boyle. It was a victory for people who don’t buy into the media frenzy that swirls around certain events and people and for anyone who isn’t prepared to just be another sheep. Some strategic running order rigging may have contributed to the top 3 on this year’s ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ (Diversity went on 9th of the ten, Boyle was 8th and 3rd place Julian Smith was on last) but never-the-less the brilliant Diversity thoroughly deserved their victory and made me a very happy man by defeating Boyle. Although Boyle will no doubt continue to be rammed down our throats for the foreseeable future the fact that she didn’t win ‘BGT’, in spite of all the hype and the press, reaffirms my faith in humanity ever so slightly. After writing this it came out that Susan Boyle was in The Priory after some sort of mental episode, which guarantees that she isn’t going away any time soon - who’s to blame? Who gives a fuck, if anyone’s to blame it’s her, these contestants should know by now what they’re letting themselves in for, now okay, Boyle’s situation is rather abnormal compared to the average ‘BGT’ contestant but no one forced her out on that stage to audition with a gun aimed at her head, now Hollie Steel on the other hand… The ‘T’ in MTV stands for ‘Twilight’. One of the more enjoyable, and by enjoyable I mean not eye-bleedingly dull, awards shows of the year took place this past weekend: ‘The MTV Movie Awards’, or should that be the ‘MTV Twilight Awards’. The inexplicably popular tween vampire saga scooped what seemed like every award at the bash which more and more each year is becoming nothing more than a two hour hard sell for whoever has films on the way. Yet in spite of ‘Twilight’s dominance and the constant sight of Robert Pattinson (that guy’s sexy? There’s hope for me yet…) this years Movie Awards were as enjoyable as ever, mainly thanks to one man – Mr. Andy Samberg. The ‘SNL’ genius didn’t compromise any of the geeky charm that makes him the star he has become for the MTV crowd which was good to see, and his skits and interludes were some of the funniest we’ve seen in years – especially The Lonely Island tribute which saw Forest Whitaker singing ‘Dick in a Box’. Kiefer Sutherland also got to show that he has a funny side to which was nice, because anyone who has seen any sort of documentary footage on Jack Bauer’s alter ego will know that he has a killer sense of humour. His involvement in Ben Stiller’s achievement award practically stole the spotlight off of Stiller himself, but I can’t help but feel Stiller had a hand in that anyway. But of course, the main talking point of the show was the Eminem-Bruno ‘controversy’. Let me just say this to anyone who thinks that wasn’t 100% staged: are you stupid? Out of everyone he could have landed on in the entire audience it was Eminem? If that hadn’t been planned, Em’s entourage would have been in too much shock to have beaten Sascha Baron Cohen that quickly. The whole thing was staged and if it comes out otherwise I’ll post a picture on this blog of me wearing a replica of Bruno’s assless outfit… You have been warned! Why does the news have to change so fast!? Since writing this it has come out that Eminem was indeed in on the gag (duh!) so you will all be saved the sight of my ‘kugelsack’… for now… My final thought of the MTV Movie Awards came courtesy of Megan Fox as I was left wondering: is she really all that? Don’t get me wrong, she’s a sexy lady no doubt and the odd time I’ve seen her without make-up she looks really good, but I just don’t get the hype. With her make-up seemingly applied via Homer Simpson’s make-up shotgun invention though, a look she sporting at the Movie Awards, she looks like a cheap whore and not in a good way… …Give me Katy Perry any day. There really wasn’t any need for ‘Prison Break: The Final Break’… at all. I wondered out loud a couple of weeks back just what the point of the ‘bonus’ episodes of ‘Prison Break’ was (yes I know this went out last week, but I only got round to watching it this week) and I was proved to be completely justified in my musing because there seemed to be no discernable point to these episodes at all. They didn’t advance the show’s mythology at all and after seeing four years into the future at the end of the regular series it seemed stupid to then jump back in time to just after they were exonerated. It almost felt like they had some money left and some spare time at the end of shooting and just thought fuck it let’s film something else. It wasn’t all bad though, so first the good: we actually got an explanation of what happened to Gretchen which was one loose end that really needing tying up and Lori Petty amped her lesbian aura up to eleven to guest star as ‘Daddy’ and despite being incredibly creepy acted Jodi Lyn O’Keefe and Sarah Wayne Callies off the screen, in much the same way William Fichtner has been doing with messrs Miller and Purcell for the last three years. But other than that, sadly it was all bad, so much so they even stole Karl Fletcher’s coat peg to the back of the head death from Dream Team! The focus was too heavily on Tancredi with very little Michael, Sucre and Linc and so much time was wasted on a suspense-less Mahone subplot hinging on whether he’d betray the gang for his old job back when we’d already seen him all buddy-buddy with Linc and Sucre in the future. In a way these two episodes almost undid the good faith the show had going for it from it’s surprisingly entertaining finale, they even managed to make the death of the show’s main character seem rushed and devoid of any real emotion, hell Bellick’s death packed more emotional punch than Michael’s did! These two episodes were a complete waste of time, if I hadn’t bothered to watch them I wouldn’t have missed anything and that’s a really sad indication of just how far ‘Prison Break’ fell because at the height of its success ‘Prison Break’ was unmissable. The phrase “MILF chubby” isn’t always funny… Shocking I know, but on ‘Sons of Anarchy’ this week Half-sack, played by the brilliant Johnny Lewis, learned this lesson the hard way. After Clay caught the Iraq war veteran (his name originating from the fact that he lost a ball in the war) commenting that the Sons’ leader’s ‘old lady’ Gemma gave him “MILF chubby” he was less than impressed. He soon got his own back on the Sons of Anarchy ‘prospect’ by sleeping with biker whore Cherry who Half-Sack had taken a liking to – the main lesson here, like you needed to be told not to fuck with Hellboy, is don’t mess with Ron Pearlman. ‘Sons of Anarchy’ continues to be a very welcome addition to our TV schedules and strikes the perfect balance between poignancy, brutality and laugh out loud comedy. The main sources of comedy come from Lewis as Half-Sack and the inappropriately positioned Sons of Anarchy ‘Intelligence Officer’ Juice who has many of his ‘brothers’ convinced he is retarded; drugging a Rottweiler with meth this week might not have gone far to quashing those thoughts… ‘The Apprentice’ has a fundamental flaw… In that the likeable people don’t win. I know it’s a different kind of reality show but the very nature of the process means that the characters you can actually root for are booted out in favour of the robotic, soulless business whores and it makes the final weeks pretty unappealing viewing. Tony Mowbray’s slightly younger, slightly less ugly brother James finally got his marching orders this week and with him the last shred of entertainment value the show had took a black can ride away from the boardroom. This is the first year I’ve watched ‘The Apprentice’ properly and I have to say I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it and it’s a good job they’re bringing the former contestants back otherwise the final would have been a very dull affair. I called the Kate-Yasmina finally weeks ago, and to be honest I could care less who wins, I guess we should all just be glad that post-op transsexual Debra or key pasty Lorraine didn’t make the final. You can’t have it both ways… ‘Flight of the Conchords’ Season 2 was supposed to have no limits, but has actually thus far been a little disappointing. In the show’s brilliant first season, they basically wrote the show around the band’s existing songs but for season 2 they had a blank canvas of new songs and new ideas not to mention a clearly bigger budget. Sadly though, as the writing has improved for the second season, the song quality has diminished considerably. Don’t misunderstand me, the show is still brilliantly funny and the decision to give us more Murray has been a welcome one, but now rather than the songs being the highpoint of each episode as they were last season they now feel more like an annoying interruption. ‘Californication’ is the best written show on TV right now… Hank Moody’s return to our screens continues to be a glorious one as ‘Californication’ consistently delivers the sharpest, funniest and touching writing on TV week after week. In any normal episode Hank’s “I’m declaring jihad on your pussy” line would have easily been the best line of the night but that flash of brilliance was trumped this week by Charlie, who has quickly become my favourite character during this awesome second season. When struggling porn star Daisy declared she’d been “blackballed” in the porn world, Charlie’s response was: “what is that, some kind of interracial teabag thing?” - Just brilliant. TV Moment of the Week: This week comes courtesy of ‘Apprentice’ dimwit James; when given one final opportunity to sell himself to Birmingham City Chair-tart Karen Brady during his interview he compared Sir Alan Sugar to Willy Wonka… …What a burke. If Sir Alan’s like anyone from Roald Dahl’s famous story it’s the Umpa Lumpas, only Sugar’s not as tall… And finally… For those of you who follow my Horse Racing non-tips: this Saturday sees one of the highlights of the flat season taking place: The Investec Derby. If I were you I’d be putting my money on one of Aidan O’Brien’s all-conquering stable, the Ballydoyle trainer saddles six horses in total, including two of the race’s big fancies: Fame and Glory and the horse I backed in the 2000 Guineas Rip Van Winkle. The undefeated Fame and Glory has been at the head of the market for quite some time now and stable star jockey Johnny Murtagh had widely been expected to take the ride on Fame and Glory but in somewhat of a surprise move has elected to ride Rip Van Winkle. In spite of coming fourth in The Guineas Rip Van Winkle ran a great race and showed plenty of potential, which if he can just realise O’Brien could have another superstar on his hands, so I’m going to bank on Murtagh’s decision holding some weight and tip Rip Van Winkle (those of you who read my Cheltenham blog will not what a hollow endorsement that is though!) '24' Season 7 Retrospective - 28th May 2009 Bank Holiday Monday saw one of the highlights of the year hit TV screens across the country and now I’ve had a few days to digest it all and get my emotions in check, I’m finally ready to talk about it… …I am of course talking about the season finale of ‘24’… What did you think I was talking about!? Yes, the clock has finally reached 08:00:00 and Jack Bauer can now take a long soothing leak and eat a big ass sandwich, well he could, except for one small problem: he’s in a coma. Speaking of comas, I spent most of the last episode of Day 7 trying to keep my eyes open for what had to be the dullest season finale in the show’s seven season run. The finale was a very accurate sample of just what has been the biggest problem with 24’s seventh season, which has inexplicably not only been a commercial success but also a critical triumph; it never lived up to the hype. All we heard in the long gap between the show’s critically panned sixth season and January’s return was how they were trying to avoid a repeat of season 6 and how they had gone all out to ensure season 7 was its antithesis – if season 6 was Larry Moss, season 7 was going to be Jack Bauer… on crack. Fans couldn’t wait, I literally had a boner for three straight days when I found out they were bringing Tony Almeida back from the dead (suck on that Viagra – sorry, bad choice of words) even if he was seemingly the show’s villain. The show began at typically break neck speed but as we got deeper into the season something just felt off, I remember writing in my mid-season review that the show hadn’t yet fired on all cylinders yet but I had hope that the second half of the season would live up to the endless hype, yet this never happened. I sat there Monday night waiting for the big revelation, for the poignant moment, for the redemption we were promised but it never came. Instead we got Jack calling on a Muslim Imam who he had only met an hour or two before for solace in his final moments, we had a bunch of crap with Renee seemingly doing the exact thing that they’d all chastised Tony for doing and we had Tony disappear fifteen minutes into the episode never to be seen again. All I’ll say is that Almeida better be back for season 8, if this is how he goes out then as I stated a few weeks back, everyone associated with this show can kiss my ass. I was pleased to see that Tony wasn’t in it for the money or to cause suffering and it tore me up inside when he was yelling at Wilson about how he had killed his wife and unborn son but most of all I was relieved that he wasn’t another entry on Jack Bauer’s loooooong death list. Yet somehow I was left feeling let down, it had been almost promised that by the end of episode ‘24’ we would feel sympathy for Tony and I, along with all his other fans, did feel for this fallen hero, but for casual viewers or people who haven’t watched from the start, there was no real moment of redemption for Tony and he is now seemingly stuck in a perpetual grey area. This season has undoubtedly been the year of Tony which I cannot complain about, Carlos Bernard is a great actor and Tony Almeida is a brilliant and insanely popular character, we may not have got to see many sarcastic Tony moments this year, which are always delicious, but Carlos Bernard has got to show off some really strong acting shops and I lift my Cubs mug in salute to him for that. Fundamentally this season was fine and continued doing what the show does well and if there’d been no hype then I would have been fine with it. It’s my expectations that have soured the taste of season 7 as they were built to such feverish levels and never realised and I’ve been left wanting more… and not in a good way, as I dare say I’ll never get it. ‘24’s nature involves massive gaps in the show’s timeline between seasons, so unless the Hydra-like conspiracy that has been behind the events of season 5,6 and 7 shows up again next season we may never get to delve any deeper into Tony’s fractured mind. The conspiracy has now become a joke though, I’ve seen on a couple of websites people creating diagrams to explain who is involved and how. When you need a diagram to explain something that is central to your show – something’s wrong. Will Patton was surprisingly good as ‘head’ of the conspiracy Alan Wilson (I’ve put head in inverted commas because no doubt next season it will be revealed that there was actually someone behind Wilson, thereby completely making a mockery of everything Tony did this season) but I honestly can’t believe that when they had so long to get this season right, that the best they could come up with was stretching out the Charles Logan conspiracy from season 5 & the season that shall not be mentioned. Everyone involved with the show had the time and the desire to do something spectacular with Day 7 – they even stopped production to make sure they got the final episodes just right, which given how they turned out is an absolute joke. I’ve performed a virtual biopsy on the first three quarters of the season already this year (in case you hadn’t guessed – I’m kind of obsessed) so I’m going to try and focus entirely on the tail end of the season in terms of why I feel unfulfilled. The build for the finale began when Tony smothered Larry Moss to death at the end of episode 18 and made off with the remaining canister of the bio-weapon. At this point, things were looking good. I didn’t particularly like the fact that Tony had been turned to the dark side (so much so that I wrote an entire blog on it) but I held out hope and ultimate judgement until the last second on the clock ticked away. We got to see Tony being really evil and giving us all the awesome notion that he was trying to expose the conspiracy and the ends would justify the means (something the show has always been a heavy study of). Then came the unnecessary bio-weapon attack build-up with the Muslim patsy, after the revelations and noteworthy moments of the previous few episodes these three episodes felt like nothing more than padding to get to the final hours which is why I’m so resentful of the fact that they actually bragged about stopping production to rewrite these episodes because quite frankly, they sucked. With that attack averted in typically last second style, the stage was set for the finale. So what went wrong? Too much Olivia and The White House for a start, she is a character that we had no real emotional investment in so why should we care about her fate, sure it would affect the President, but she was barely seen for the finale’s first hour. Instead we had Olivia rammed down our throats yet again and although it gave Ethan and Pierce, two of my favourite supporting characters, a chance for some screen time the whole thing ultimately fell flat. On the plus side, with Cherry Jones returning, this outcome should hopefully ensure no Olivia and no first husband next season which can only be a good thing. Kim at the airport was kept to a minimum which was extremely beneficial to the first hour, which was definitely the stronger of the two episodes, as were Janis and Chloe at the FBI. So we were left with Jack and Tony and Tony’s ultimate end-game. Although Tony’s plan was revealed to have been about avenging Michelle’s death it wasn’t done in a way that made him seem sympathetic to the less avid viewers. His strapping a bomb to Jack wasn’t really explained at all – by blowing up Jack he was destroying all traces of the bioweapon and achieving his goal of killing Wilson – instead it was just made to seem like he was some heartless bastard. In terms of redeeming Tony it would have been nice to see hear him explain to Jack how he purposely set up the subway attack to fail, but no, he happily admitted that he was prepared to kill thousands, and people are actually saying that the showrunners et al redeemed him! Tony made some very valid points in his confrontation with Jack about saving more people than Jack, yet all Bauer could focus on was the innocent people Tony did kill, which at my count was 3. Sure it was bad but come on Jack, pot, kettle, black much? The performance by Carlos Bernard can not be praised enough though and as someone who has loved this character from the start, it was heartbreaking to see him screaming at Wilson about what the conspiracy bigwig had taken from him. When, after already being shot once, he still tried to get his gun to kill Wilson it was agonising to watch… …But then they made a complete mockery of the whole thing by leaving an ambiguous ending on whether or not Renee did the thing that they basically stopped Tony from doing. Once Tony and Wilson were in custody and the threat was over, we had forty-five minutes of loose ends being tied up, and not in an exciting way, in the most tedious way ever. It was all capped off by the lamest ending yet, there’s no suspense in this, we all know Jack will live (unless Kiefer Sutherland goes on another head-butting spree before season 8 filming begins) the only way this ending can even have an ounce of excitement and intrigue, is if they pulled the ultimate twist and had Kim die during the procedure… Like that’s going to happen though. They have to bring Almeida back for a shot at redemption in season 8, if they don’t I’m going to find it increasingly difficult to watch another year of Renee without the sweet solace of Tony. Other Televisual (and Media Bashing) Musings this Week: - ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ went live this week as the semi-finals began. Sunday night’s opener was simply great television and although there were good acts throughout the show. The outcome was decided long before anyone even performed. In fact, this show was won in the first audition week, if anyone is trying to tell themselves that Susan Boyle won’t win this then you’re deluding yourself. And let me say this, if she does win then it has nothing to do with her supposed talent, it’s more to do with the vapid, vain, image-obsessed society we live in and the fact that there seems to be this sideshow element that someone who isn’t exactly much to look at can actually be talented. If Susan Boyle looked like Katherine Jenkins then no one would think she was any good, because at best she’s an average singer, her performance on Sunday was shaky and never really got going, but because she looks like she does everyone wants to pat her on the head and patronise her like she’s some sort of child who just learned to tie her shoelaces. Speaking of Boyle’s looks, I actually think I figured out why the judges love her so much - she looks just like Piers Morgan with a shit wig on. Is she his Mum? No wonder she loves him so much… Funny how she ended up going on last as well isn’t it Cowell? Like she needed that spot, she could have walked out on stage and raped a virgin with a leather studded dildo and she’d have still gone through, but she still had to be positioned in the ‘pimp spot’. Faces of Disco, who gave a great performance of masked campery, were robbed on this semi-final, against anyone other than Boyle and the ridiculously awesome Diversity they’d have gone through, but this is a Cowell show so you know it’s going to go whichever way the big man decides. And as for poor Darth Jackson, he’s an absolute whackjob; but you know what they say about that line between genius and insanity. My favourite bit of the night was when he unmasked under pressure from the audience shouting “off!” and someone yelled “on!” when he took it off! Harsh but very funny… More on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ Next Week - The media’s coverage of my hometown of Burnley’s promotion to the Premier League has made me sick to my stomach, almost as much as all the fake fans that have crawled out of the woodwork to celebrate the sides deserved success. When I say the media, specifically I mean the BBC, their coverage of the homecoming parade was fucking disgraceful, so condescending and holier-than-thou, it was like they’d seen, to quote Chris Rock, “a retarded person that could talk” it’s almost the whole Susan Boyle factor again – they didn’t expect Burnley to be good because of how it looks. Throughout the night, not once did they interview a thoughtful articulate fan who could put across just how much this achievement means to the real fans of this historic football club, no they interviewed the morons who were only there to get drunk and speak in a mixture of incoherent chanting and slurred Lancastrian gibberish. I can just imagine some yuppie producer sat in the London studio telling the reporter “go and interview that guy in the flat cap sodomising that Whippet… aren’t northerners funny?” - This week’s ‘Flight of the Conchords’ was the best of the season so far, but there’s just something been missing since the boys returned for their sophomore year. Hopefully this was the turning point though and it’ll soon be back to its brilliant best. It was nice to see Alan Dale crossing another show off his list in his attempt to appear in every TV show on US television, by my count that’s 1,097 so far – you can do it Alan! TV Moment of the Week: - This week’s TV Moment of the week comes courtesy of ‘Sons of Anarchy’, as Clay did what Elliot Oswald didn’t have the, ahem, stones to do, and cut off the meat and two veg of the man that raped Oswald’s daughter. If that scene wasn’t gruesome enough, Clay then had the former carnival clown’s dismembered member mailed to Oswald to remind him that he ‘owes’ the Sons. That’s one package I definitely wouldn’t want to sign for… Break's Over... Sort of... - 23rd May 2009 The last rites were finally read to ‘Prison Break’ this week and the life support machine was mercifully turned off. The remnants of ‘The Fox River Eight’ and the various waifs and strays they’ve picked up along the way had been treading water for two and a half seasons and FOX for once shitcanned a show too late. I made my feelings perfectly clear on where ‘Prison Break’ had gone wrong in the first ever instalment of TV or not TV so I have no intention of repeating myself here (although I inevitably probably will). I merely want to review the finale, speculate on what they could possibly have left to explore in the ridiculously unnecessary two-hour ‘special’ we’re due next week and try and remember the good times. Because much like my TV hero Tony Almeida, although ‘Prison Break’ may have become bad to the bone it used to be brilliant (in Tony’s case that would be – used to not be a murderous psycho). The two-hour finale proved one thing above all others, that this fourth season of ‘Prison Break’ could have been condensed into a two hour episode and not lost anything in the translation. That’s not to say that is a good thing though, the opening two hours of this season which were heavily Writer’s Strike influenced, were just awful to watch as so much happened, the events of this season’s opening and closing episodes would take an entire season to unfold on ‘The Wire’ or ‘Law and Order’… It’d even take Jack Bauer at least a couple of hours. My point though is that literally nothing happened for most of the season, if we’d only had the events of this last episode, but stretched across the season then it may have worked. Logic has never been central to the show’s overriding themes but as the show wound down they seemingly completely tossed it out of the window, when they should have been trying to tie everything up and give us a thrilling finale not another instalment of ‘pass the Syclla’. I said though that I hadn’t come here to assassinate a show that had me hooked for at least two seasons, so let’s try and stay positive; the finale was a fitting end to the point the show had got to and there were plenty of moments to like about it if you take them on their own rather than as part of the whole picture. William Mapother who plays Ethan on ‘Lost’ turned up as a Fed and proved once and for all that he is just about the creepiest looking guy on TV ever. His character was involved in one of the finale’s only real moments of comedy when Self, after being reduced to a vegetative state, was ordered to write down Michael and Linc’s location and instead wrote down “Kiss my Ass” (the other being when Sucre & C-Note had T-Bag hanging upside down in that chair). In truth it was quite sad to see how Self ended up, he might not have been in the show as long as most of the others but he became a big part of the show during his short time there and after the nice little moment last week that revealed why he’d double-crossed Michael and co. he seemed more sympathetic. His fate left him a vegetable, and coupled with the completely unnecessary murder of his wife last week it seemed cold. Self deserved better. The myriad plot holes in the season and the finale became completely irrelevant to me though the second a slightly chunkier C-Note returned, and when Kellerman also reappeared, all was forgiven, especially seen as we got to see Michael do his best Seinfeld to Newman impression: “Kellerman!” Seeing all the characters reunite was fun but the scene at the end where they all signed their immunity papers made me chuckle. I stopped and thought about it and couldn’t believe that they were all amicably sitting in a room together, after all, in the past: - Mahone had forced C-Note to try and kill himself. - Mahone had also tried to kill C-Note, Sucre, Michael and Linc on more than one occasion and succeeded in killing Michael and Linc’s Dad. - Kellerman had shot Mahone and left him for dead. - Kellerman had also framed Linc’s son for murdering his own Mother and let’s not forget that he tortured Sara… Yet here they all were shooting the breeze at the U.N. The writers did at least try and make us think they weren’t completely ignoring the past by throwing in the odd lingering look between some of them but that scene was just indicative of the lazy writing that has plagued the show since Michael and the gang busted out of Fox River. That said, they at least harked back to the days of season 1 by having Danny Hale’s widow spit in Kellerman’s face during the flash forward that revealed his new life as a congressman. I was never her biggest fan, but since they brought back several characters to resolve their fates, where the hell was Gretchen? Have I missed something? I thought they left her for dead or for the cops to pick her up, but as we never actually saw what happened I assumed she’d be back. Did she actually die or is her fate being left up in the air for the two hour special we’re getting this week? I don’t quite understand the need for this ‘Final Break’, these past two episodes were billed as the last ever episodes but they clearly weren’t, I honestly don’t see what else there is to explore with this special and why it couldn’t have been included in the series rather than as a stand alone special which is now out of chronology anyway given that we leapt four years ahead at the end of the final episode. Which leads me to my biggest gripe with the season finale: Michael’s death. I like that they killed off a main character and arguably the most popular character on the show - that takes balls. But they’ve done it in such a lame way that all the shock and awe has been completely sucked out of the twist. My hope is that the special will reveal how and why Michael died, but in the context of the finale the scene at his grave had no emotional clout, if they were going to kill him why not do it on screen in a heroic way, that way the final scene could have been heart-breakingly emotional, instead it felt tacked on to give us some sort of shocking ending. I did like the final shot though, as they all walked off towards the sea as Michael’s headstone was in the foreground, Mahone and Sucre had their arms round each other – when were they ever that close!? Again, there is a lot that could be explained in the special, but this is ‘Prison Break’ we’re talking about here, so we’ll probably get no answers and be left to speculate, when the writers have had enough time and notice to tie things up properly within the framework of the series without giving us specials and flash forwards. You might not think it from my critique, but I did actually enjoy the finale, if nothing else it was dumb fun, without the returning characters I think it would have been a let down, but if you checked your brain at the door it had quite a nostalgic theme to it and was probably the best we could have hoped for given the circumstances. ‘Prison Break: The Final Break’ is a feature length special that will air Wednesday 27th May on Sky1 @ 10pm. In honour of the end of ‘Prison Break’ here are a few things that I will remember fondly about the show: - The first ever episode (it was just nuts how gripping it was). - In truth, most of the first season (it wasn’t without it’s missteps but that DVD box set is unputdownable [my bold attempt at creating an Iain Dowie word]) - The introduction of Mahone and his subsequent turning from ‘bad’ guy to ‘good’ guy and becoming the best character on the show in the process (thank the TV Gods for the cancellation of ‘Invasion’ because without Mahone the past few seasons would have been a painful viewing experience). - C-Note and T-Bag’s nicknames for other characters and, in particularly, each other (seeing this two interacting again in the finale reminded me of how much I miss season 1 and the first half of season 2 when they were all on the run together trying to get hold of Westmoreland’s money). - Sara’s ‘death’ – never before have I cheered a death as much as when it seemed she been beheaded, I have problems I know… (it’s just a shame they undid it all that good work by bringing her back). - The ingenuity of Michael’s original breakout plan and that tattoo (I remember trying to explain the plot of the show to someone when it debuted: “he has the blueprints of the prison tattooed on his body… but it’s good, honestly”). And how could I forget… - Robert Wisdom’s Lechero and his accent (about the only bright spot of season 3 and the source of many a bad impression from yours truly). Goodbye ‘Prison Break’. You shall be missed… sort of. Other Televisual Musings this Week: - I singled out ‘Lie to Me’ as a show to watch the week before last and I hadn’t had a chance to watch the first episode when I posted last week’s blog but I’ve now checked it out and I have to say I’m impressed. I mean, sure, it’s pretty by the numbers stuff (I called the killer and his motive before they figured it out) and Lightman could be House’s Brother but Roth has enough charisma to carry the entire cast (even that wooden Michelle Rodriguez-alike) and he makes this show. ‘Lie to Me’ is not going to win any awards and if it’s dwindling viewing numbers are anything to go by, and given that it’s on FOX, it may not be around much longer. For now though enjoy a well put together show featuring one of our finest acting exports chewing the scenery in grand style. - ‘Lost’s season finale aired this week and all I have to say is “are you shitting me?” Jack wanted to blow up a nuke just so he could have another shot with Kate – yeh, that’s worth killing everyone for. When are the writers going to learn that we don’t give a fuck about Jack and even less so Kate? We’ve had the two of them rammed down our throats from the get go and they have become two of the show’s most dull characters. And another thing, Juliet better not be dead, it’s like Evangeline Lilly has some sort of hold over the writer’s to get rid of every other remotely attractive woman in the show until she is the only eye-candy we have left and since day one I just haven’t got it with her. The highlight of a pretty lacklustre finale though was Sawyer putting a hurting on Jack (something I’ve been wanting to do for five years). His low blow was particularly nice, but as if Jack could take Sawyer, Sawyer would have absolutely owned him but oh no this is the Jack show so the only way Sawyer could get one over on him was the low blow. I sometimes think ‘Lost’ would have benefited greatly had they stuck to the original script that had Jack being ripped in half by the smoke monster in the first episode. - ‘The Wire’ meanwhile just goes from strength to strength in its second season. I was convinced I’d hate the dock workers after becoming so emotionally invested in the Barksdale crew in season 1. I’m already hooked into the lives of Sobotka and his workers though and can’t wait to see what happens with them. I can’t say it enough but never has a show lived up to the hype like this one has, it is just brilliant. - The long wait was over and I finally got my hands on Eminem’s ‘Relapse’ this week and man what a return. Slim Shady is definitely back with one of his darkest albums yet, I’d say it’s definitely up there with the first two in terms of darkness and while it’s not as beat heavy as ‘The Eminem Show’ and ‘Encore’, with Dre on production there is never a dull moment. He might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but in my mind he’s the artist of our generation and this album proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s still the best lyricist out there. TV Moment of the Week: Robert Kilroy-Silk turning up on ‘The Apprentice’ selling hand-made rocking horses. Seriously, how much did that guy look like him? And I believe his conversation with the massive bollocked Debra went a little something like this: “Are you and your brother well known…?” “Bitch, I’m Kilroy!” Eastern Bloc Party - Eurovision 2009 Special - 17th May 2009 The dust has now settled on another year’s Eurovision song contest and somehow a goofy violin player from Norway managed to sweep the competition aside and set a new record for votes received. My memory of the night is somewhat hazy as there was quite a lot of alcohol consumed, but ever the professional, I was making notes as the show went out to give anyone who might have missed it an idea on just what went down on one of the greatest TV nights of the year. Below you will find my uncensored live thoughts from throughout the show and I will be chipping in with some post-Eurovision thoughts as well to try and give context to some of the incoherent ramblings that I scribbled down. (Live thoughts will appear in italics, thoughts from the morning after will appear in bold). So here we are with my live review and critical analysis of the Eurovision Song Contest 2009: Here we are ready for another instalment of the campest show on TV. For some reason Eurovision has become a pretty big event in the Bunkham household over the past few years, this may have something to do with the vast amounts of alcohol normally consumed whilst watching the show but that doesn’t take away from the fact that Eurovision is entertaining and unintentionally funny as hell. As you are probably already aware, I enjoy the occasional bet and Eurovision is no exception, for some unexplainable reason I’ve backed the Ukraine for the past two years and have been robbed both years as they should have won both times, this year though my money is on Estonia, so let’s see what happens… …My logic for backing Estonia was based on geography and the blatant bloc voting that goes on each year, although the song was dull it was exactly the sort of shit that I thought could win Eurovision… This theory didn’t exactly pan out… Show opens with Cirque du Soleil. Graham Norton is no Terry Wogan. Ho-de-ho… …I soon changed my tune on this; Norton actually did a pretty good job… Last year’s winner is back looking like he’s on his way to work. £30 million for this? Styrofoam walls? Actually maybe this song did deserve to win last year it is a pretty good song – Thanks Timbaland. Hosts are an improvement on previous years. It’s Alsou! Remember her? She had a single out over here at the turn of the millennium… No? Just me then… Why is Norton talking over the hosts when they’re speaking English? Sasha Schlong, oh no wait it’s Sasha Son from Lithuania is up first. I was expecting a woman but it’s a dude. I’m not digging it. First is a thankless task though. Nice finish, the guy had a flame in his hand and a nice message of hope… …Obama would’ve been proud, all in all a pretty dull start though… …Israel up next… boring! They look like the Witches of Eastwick. Get your bongos out…! …I believe that this was a reference to the fact that they started to play the bongos mid-way through the performance not some sort of sexual euphemism… I could be wrong though… …En Francais… She looks like Michelle Collins and the song is dire… I think we can safely say the first 3 won’t be challenging… …MILF! MILF! MILF! I think that’s what they’re chanting… …I honestly have no recollection of what the MILF comment refers to… All I can assume is that France’s entry was an older lady who had a bit of a Cougar vibe going on… Then again, maybe it was the large quantities of alcohol coursing through my body… …Norton’s pissed. Maybe he’s playing the Wogan drinking game… …Yes I know that makes no sense… …Sweden – nice and electro… All Swedish women look the same… It’s kind of like Katherine Jenkins meets Sash! …I can only apologise for any awful racial stereotypes like the above comment that I made throughout the night, chances are there are more to come… …My Brother just dumbed down the night by suggesting a trip to Copenhagen, Sweden for his 21st – numb nuts… …To be fair Geography was never his strong suit… …Best of the night so far, a bit screamy though… …Croatia – looks like a sexy funeral. When did Jonathan Wilkes move to Sweden…? Dogshit. There is a hot blonde on though. No stand outs so far. Portugal up 6th. It’s Adele in a brown wig – it’s so bad I’ve turned the sound down and gone to get some chocolate… …I can categorically say that this will not even make a ripple… …Iceland up next - apparently a real contender. We shall see. Good tune, but could be drawn too early… …Shows what I know – they came second… …Greece – My family seem to think this guy is going to win… He has the whitest clothes ever (he’s obviously passed the Daz doorstep challenge). This guy makes John Barrowman look straight. Good song but it won’t win. He’s on some sort of digital treadmill. That was pretty fucking good. A safe each way bet. It will not win… …Luckily my confidence in Greece not winning was justified; I would’ve never heard the end of it otherwise… …Armenia on now. I nearly backed these dykes; they look like a bunch of gypsies… …Again, I can only apologise… I think I made the right call… That was gash as… …The hosts Russia are up… Putin will be dancing… …Really? Will he? What was I talking about!? Answers on a postcard… …She has an awful tattoo on her arm and according to Norton the screens behind are supposed to show her digitally aging throughout the song – she looks better old… …She actually did… …Russia was toilet time… …Azerbaijan are on upon my return… This is a class Euro pop number. I can’t see it winning though… …Even if half my family have backed them… …It came third… …He so isn’t playing that guitar… …They’re proper cranking that wind machine tonight (we have our own wind machine in my Brother who is making some truly inhuman smells) …Bosnia now. Another act that I considered backing… Decent effort… …This should do well as Norton said, especially with the Balkans… I’m calling it now – Bosnia will win (maybe) …I’m an idiot… …We’re now getting a skit with the Russian police and various Ruski citizens singing (badly) What the hell? I’d rather have ads… …When I read this back this morning, I thought it said “I’d rather have AIDS” which I thought would have been a pretty harsh criticism of this skit… That said, it was pretty fucking bad though… …Moldova – Nelly something – I started laughing when it started but this is actually okay… Dark Horse? …Err, in a word: no… …Norton may actually be better than Wogan… …See, it didn’t take me long to change my tune did it? Terry who? …Chiara up now for Malta, according to Norton she’s entered and done well twice for Malta before… Third time lucky? I don’t think so… …But what do I know? The Malteser could do it… …My mind’s in Estonia… …I was singing this all night to the tune of Rhianna’s ‘Disturbia’ – don’t ask me why… …My bet is up! Come on Urban Symphony! Personally I don’t like it but this is the sort of shit they love at Eurovision… …Err, they barely got a cheer… Not to worry… …Ronan Keating wrote this song for Denmark – what the hell? Haha, Norton was right, this is basically Ronan ‘Stars in their Eyes’. I could sing this, anyone can sound good doing Ronan Keating. It is a totally Ronan song though. Good job Denmark. Germany! Here they are… Here comes Dita… …Good tune, like a dirty Frank Sinatra… Look at Dita… What a woman… …You’ve gotta hand it to Germany, they knew they didn’t have a prayer so they roped in Dita Von Teese to prance around on stage during the performance all scantily clad… Sex didn’t sell… They nearly came last… Nice rack though… …Here come the Turks… Hadise – ‘Dum Tek Tek’… This could be the best so far. Turkey always do well with that whole Tarkan vibe but they don’t have enough neighbours to vote for them. Safe each way bet I’d say… …I realise by this point I’d marked about half the acts as “safe each way bets” but in this case it actually panned out as Turkey came fourth… …Albania now. Oh dear, it’s like a bad trip… …It’s not actually as bad as Norton made out… She’s only 17, she did a good job if you ask me – a good reaction. The favourite Norway’s up now… Norwegian Idol winner Alexander Rybak… …I’m going out on a limb and saying that there is no way Norway will win. I just don’t get it… …Could I have been more wrong? Sorry about that awful no way/Norway pun as well by the way. And another thing, I’m lucky I’m not a quadriplegic this morning the number of times I went “out on a limb” last night… My nemesis the Ukraine are on now – for the last two years I’ve backed them to win and been screwed out of deserved victory both times… I decided to avoid that heartache this year, but this is actually quite good… …Did I actually describe not backing the winner of Eurovision as heartache? I did? Just checking… …Why does she have gladiators dancing behind her? This is actually some pretty class shit. Winner? …Err, no… …Here are the Romanians. Holy crap. I didn’t know Romania had hot women… …Could I be any more culturally retarded? …Here comes old melted face – the UK are up – Jade Ewen is here, she should have had something up tempo. This is piss poor – hang your head in shame Lloyd Webber… She’s that bad the violinist is poking her with his bow… …It is the best we’ve had in years, but in reality can it ever win? It went down amazingly well in the studio though… …It may not have been able to win, but it did ridiculously well all things considered. And yes, I’m aware of the hypocrisy of in one breath calling it “piss poor” and in the next proclaiming it “the best we’ve had in years”… …Waldo’s People are up now for Finland… …Did this guy used to be in East 17? This is amazing. What’s Norton talking about? This is genius! …Last but not least it’s Espagne. Not bad – nice and Euro-poppy. Could do well, but in reality Spain have about as much chance of winning as I do… …Nice bit of magic there though… Voting time now. This is the best part. Astronauts are opening the lines from space – are you fucking shitting me? My Mum on the countdown clock that has just appeared to let you know how much voting time remains: “is that what time it is in Russia?” …Yes Mum, their time goes backwards… …Vintage Eurovision year… They could all win in all honesty… …There really wasn’t much of the usual camp horseshit this year, somewhat disappointingly, they were all quite good… …Lines are now closed… …Why is there a woman sloshing around in a life size womb? …This did actually happen, it wasn’t just the alcohol, it needed to be seen to be believed… …What in the name of Buck’s Fizz is this? A swimming pool in the roof? Trust Eurovision for weirdness… Get to the results already. We already know what they’ll be: Sweden: Denmark 12 points… Russia: Bosnia 12 points… …Lloyd Webber’s back… Shut up rubber face, what do you know… …Actually scratch that, he’s bigged up Estonia – Lloyd Webber’s a genius! Estonia to win! …I’m so fickle… Results are in – Spain – Norway 12, UK 10… …I don’t have the energy to blog these results, three countries in and it already looks like Norway have won – show’s how much I know! This is bullshit! Why is Duncan James reading out our vote? It makes me long for the days of Fearne Cotton… …Wow I must’ve really been gone last night… Norway win and break a record in the process. Unbelievable. All in all, a good time was had by all. Estonia may not have won me any money but coming sixth when they were rated at 50-1 or bigger with the bookies was a good showing. The bloc voting was alive and well still, the best moment was Andorra giving Spain 12 when up until that point Spain had about 2 points. The bookies were right and Norway absolutely swept it, I still don’t see what was so special about the song, but oh well, at least it gets next year’s show out of Eastern Europe. The UK finally had a respectable showing but I seriously doubt if we can ever win this thing again now. So until next time, thanks for reading and I’m sorry for any offence caused by the ignorant racial stereotyping that occurred last night… …And for my comments as well… *Other Televisual Musings this Week:* Last week’s penultimate ‘Lost’ of the season was a case of all filler and no killer. I don’t mind set-up episodes on the whole, ‘24’ did the exact same thing this week and even a dull episode of ‘Lost’ like this one still feels noteworthy because, well, it’s ‘Lost’, but I couldn’t help but feel more than a little disappointed with this week’s effort, if they hit it out of the park with tonight’s two-part finale then all will be forgiven, but I can’t decide at the moment whether that’s going to occur or not. - Last week I bigged up a couple of shows debuting on these shores this past week. One of the aforementioned shows was ‘Sons of Anarchy’, which more than lived up to its name – sex, drugs, guns, bikes and Peggy Bundy Lady Macbething it up – what more do you want? ‘Sons of Anarchy’ has me hooked after one episode, the cast is great, nearly every face is familiar (in a good way) and the opening episode had it all: action, laughs, extreme violence, Skinner off the ‘X-Files’ as a neo-Nazi and enough grit to keep even Britain’s roads moving during a snow storm… …Even if the main character did used to be in ‘Byker Grove’. - We’re hitting finale time now in the schedules, especially in the current two week block (which I’ve geekily dunned ‘finale fortnight’) as we’ve already seen the ‘Heroes’ season finale, we’ve got ‘Lost’ and ‘Prison Break’ to come this week and then ‘24’ gets it’s send-off next week. Surprisingly, given how horrendously gash the show has become, I’m actually quite excited for this week’s two-hour series finale of ‘Prison Break’. Mainly because we’re getting to see the return of some familiar faces, thankfully not Gretchen, but C-Note who has been sorely missed and if rumours are to be believed Kellerman (don’t ask, I thought he was dead to). Given how incoherent ‘Prison Break’ has become I actually think that the finale could actually work and having all these characters inexplicably crop up should be fun and won’t seem to out of place because the show has already become a total caricature of what it used to be (more on this next week). Be sure to tune in, because it really could be a brilliantly ridiculous end to a show that has if nothing else kept us entertained for four years. ‘Prison Break’ the series finale airs on Sky1 Tuesday @ 10pm and 11pm. - After a good end to last year picking Alexandra Burke as the ‘X Factor’ winner when everyone was practically giving Diana Vickers a pearl necklace, my reality TV predictions have gone seriously off the boil. First I was victim of the worst hatchet job the ‘Big Brother’ producers have done since the got rid of Spencer in Season 3, when they basically handed Ulrika Jonsson victory over the clearly more popular Verne Troyer. Then Philip managed to fuck himself out of becoming Sir Alan Sugar’s apprentice on ‘The Apprentice’ and now my nap for ‘American Idol’ Danny Gokey has fallen at the final hurdle setting up an Adam Scream-bert and Kris Allen showdown. I’d love to see Kris win, I slated him at the start as not being good enough but he has proved me wrong and then some. His performances have grown stronger and stronger each week and he is an unbelievably likeable guy. His acoustic version of Kanye West’s ‘Heartless’ this week for me was one of the performances of the season and while the show has clearly been edited and devised to ensure an Adam victory I really think that America may piss on Simon Cowell’s proverbial chips and vote for Kris en mass. You only need to look at the production Adam receives each week and the fact he’s been positioned near the end of the show (in the much-discussed ‘pimp’ spot) more times than any other contestant to see who Si-dogg and the producers want to win, but I’m hoping America may have picked up on this and rebel against Lord Cowell’s wishes. Only time will tell. - This week, Eminem made a rare appearance on Jonathan Ross and actually came across really well. I know from hearing him talk to Zane Lowe that he’s a funny, intelligent guy but I was worried that going up against Wossy may have showed him in a bad light, but he was more entertaining than Ben Stiller! Well done Em, it’s good to have you back. And finally… Our new feature: *TV Moment of the Week:* Each week I’ll be picking out one moment from my TV watching schedule that stood out to me as the highlight of the week (this is in no way a rip-off of ‘Harry Hill’s TV Burp’… honest). This week’s award goes to the brilliant ‘The Wire’ and stick-up artist Omar taking to the stand to condemn ‘Bird’ for a murder he didn’t actually commit, we think. Despite scumbag lawyer Levy’s attempts to undermine Omar’s testimony due to the fact that he’s an unrepentant criminal, Omar managed to win the jury over with charisma and charm and even put Levy in his place by comparing him to himself – “I got the shotgun. You got the briefcase…” My favourite part of the whole episode was a follow on from the previous episode where the prosecuting lawyer gave Omar $150 to get some “court clothes” and instructed him to get “something with a tie”. Omar promptly turned up to court in some fresh street gear with a tie wrapped round his neck. As someone who is only now experiencing the sheer brilliance of ‘The Wire’ I can only marvel at how great this show is and it continues to grow from strength to strength, Omar in particularly is rapidly becoming one of my favourite characters not just on the show but on TV. Bring Back... Flipside TV - 8th May 2009 You may think that a bunch of z-list celebrities and media types sat in a poorly lit studio watching TV sounds like a gash concept for a TV show… but you would be wrong. Originally going out in 2003, ‘Flipside TV’ was one of those amazing TV creations where its brilliance lay in its simplicity. Based on an idea by a guy named Chas Bayfield which he had posted on his website Idea a Day, proving that the simple ideas are the best ones, the show was chaired by Richard Bacon, Iain Lee or Justin Lee Collins and featured three guests each episode. The show went out live in, or on the periphery of, what I would call the graveyard slot, which only added to the show’s genius. The basic premise was that the three guests would sit and watch a TV armed with a digital remote, flipping through the channels until they found something worth watching, if it was particular interesting they would alert the host who would come to them for their thoughts and often throw to a full screen view of what they were watching. The host would also sporadically check in with each guest to see what they were watching and get their thoughts. Ever since I got Sky in the early nineties I’ve known that there were a plethora of trash channels out there showing a veritable smorgasbord of truly heinous programming, but the advent of Sky Digital in 1998 increased the sheer volume of these crimes against TV ten fold. I’d often discuss a truly awful late night find with my mates and we’d trade stories of these ‘see them to believe them’ late night shows at college, this is effectively what ‘Flipside’ was – a bunch of mates watching trash TV and mocking it. It shouldn’t have worked but by Christ did it. Now, the run I experienced was when the show hit the legendary now defunct Paramount Comedy Channel (it also had a very, very late night unsuccessful run on Channel 4) but my research has led me to the conclusion that the version of the show that aired on Nation 277 was a lot more off the cuff and rough around the edges and thus a lot funnier, but that’s not taking anything away from the later Paramount run. During it’s original incarnation on Nation 277, craggy faced asswipe Christian O’Connell was one of the hosts, with Justin Lee Collins a regular guest, by the time the show hit Paramount though, O’Connell was gone and JLC (and his trademark beard) had stepped in as a replacement. Sadly the holy trinity of Bacon, Lee & JLC never actually appeared on the same show and it’s hard to pick a favourite from the three as they were all great for different reasons. As Executive Producer of the show (he also apparently still holds the rights to the show) Bacon always seemed like he was trying to stop proceedings spiralling into smutty territory (which they invariably did anyway) but still managed to maintain his sarcastic, acerbic style. Iain Lee is a geek, plain and simple, and that’s what makes him great, ‘Flipside’ was just another outlet for him to geek out over those things that were close to his heart. And JLC? Well, anyone who saw him on ‘Flipside’ will know that the JLC we see on our screens today is just a watered down version of his real personality. His boisterous hosting ways meant any time he was on hosting duties the show would be lively to say the least. It’s a shame to see him playing it safe these days, because unshackled discussing the sort of things you know he loves, the man was a tour de force. His current success has to be in some way attributed to his ‘Flipside’ stint and he and fellow ‘Flipside’ alumnus Alan Carr’s ‘Sunday Night Project’, although a million times better than the smug Jimmy Carr fronted original, is a sad reminder of how great these two were on ‘Flipside’. I’ve only managed to stomach two episodes of JLC’s ITV2 chat show, but suffice to say it’s suitably rubbish, and you can’t help but feel he’d benefit from interviewing Boyd Hilton, Karl Pilkington or Victor off ‘Big Brother’ again. In terms of guests, there were some that were better than others and line-ups that really clicked together, my personal favourite guests were Victor Ebuwa who although he was mocked on most of his appearances proved that his ‘Big Brother’ persona wasn’t an act, the legend that is Karl Pilkington – the most unintentionally funny man in the world and the only thing ‘RI:SE’ was worth watching for: the mammoth breasted Zora Suleman, who was always an eye-catcher. With JLC currently trying to ‘Bring Back…’ popular casts and TV shows of yesteryear, someone should seriously consider bringing back JLC himself and the rest of the ‘Flipside’ gang, because in these self-referencing, post modern, new media times a show like this could be massive. Just look at the success Charlie Brooker and Harry Hill have had with shows centred on TV observations. With bigger names the show could attract a great deal more attention, but a lot of its charm and appeal would almost certainly be lost in the process. With a lot of those who helped make the show so great having moved on, it would be near impossible to capture the old magic, but I’m convinced there is still mileage in this format yet. We may have to accept that nostalgia for the original ‘Flipside’ is all we are left with, but if they ever decide to cease ‘resting’ the format and ‘Flipside’ makes a triumphant return to our screens one day, I’ll definitely be tuning in, remote in hand… …And besides, as long as ‘Cheaters’ is still in syndication there will always be programming to mock… Other Televisual Musings: - In the coming week there are a couple of new shows hitting our screens that have caught my eye that I will definitely be checking out (and one returning show that I’ve sorely missed). First we have ‘Sons of Anarchy’ which comes from the pen of Kurt Stutter who wrote and produced on ‘The Shield’ which is a very positive sign for this show. ‘Sons of Anarchy’ stars Ron ‘Hellboy’ Pearlman as the leader of the titular Motorcycle Club and judging from the trailers the show looks violent as hell. If it lives up to my expectations ‘Sons of Anarchy’ will add another feather to the currently white-hot FX network’s already pretty fetching hat. The first season has already aired in the States and has been renewed (which is always a good omen) but you have to give credit to former smut peddlers Bravo for bagging the rights to it over here, with ‘The Unit’ already in their line up Bravo seem like they finally have a manifesto to bring in viewers: top notch US original series’ that may be a little too gritty for the likes of Five and Sky1 (it’s a shame to see the skin flicks go though!) ‘Sons of Anarchy’ will air on Bravo Tuesdays @ 10pm The second show to get it’s UK debut this coming week is the Tim Roth-starring ‘Lie to Me’. Roth stars as a body language expert who solves crimes by detecting if people are lying or not simply from observing them. It may not sound like much, but I think any show that manages to attract Tim Roth to a starring role must have something about it, and I think this could have the potential to succeed for FOX in the same vein as their other socially-awkward Doctor shows ‘House’ and ‘Bones’ have. The fact that Sky1 has grabbed ‘Lie to Me’, which is just finishing up it’s US run, has to count for something, even taking into account their obvious ties with FOX. ‘Lie to Me’ will air on Sky1 Thursdays @ 10pm And finally, the wonderful ‘Flight of the Conchords’ returns to BBC Four this week after too long of a break. The quirky brilliance of this show has attracted quite a large cult following since it’s initial run on BBC Four, so here’s hoping these new fans join us old fans and tune in, so we can make this show the hit over here that it is in the States and rightly deserves to be. ‘Flight of the Conchords’ will air on BBC Four Tuesdays @ 10.30pm - After last week’s rant, ‘24’ gave me some food for thought this week: is Tony actually trying to expose these conspirators? Maybe I’m clutching at straws, but if that is where they’re going with this, it would not only save the season but make it possibly the most powerful season in the show’s history. ‘24’ has always been pretty grey on the whole end justifying the means thing and this would be one hell of a way to drive that whole notion home. Of course if Tony isn’t doing this for some greater good then sweet Moses is he one evil son of a gun. Almeida is such a bad ass now, it’s incredible to see the man that for all intents and purposes, and I hate to say this, has been Jack’s bitch in the past out there kicking ass while Jack is holed up behind a computer. I personally think Jack must be having withdrawal symptoms as he hasn’t killed anyone for a good while now. Back to Tony though, his killing of Galvez was ice cold, that kick to the head was nasty enough but then suffocating him with a shower curtain!? To cap it all off, Tony then took a shower in the same bath tub that Galvez’s lifeless corpse was lent up against – even if Tony is unrepentantly evil now, you’ve got to give him props for that! With four episodes remaining, I’m a lot more optimistic now than I was this time last week, and if this theory is right we could be in for one hell of a finale, then again this is ‘24’ so this time next week I could be back here claiming I’m done with the show! - On ‘The Apprentice’ this week, Phil managed to fuck my prediction for this year by getting himself eliminated due to his massive mouth. The awful Lorraine should have gone but thanks to Phil’s ego, the momentum he had just three short weeks ago all but evaporated through his constant clashes with alleged swinger Lorraine. I think Alan Sugar will be proved wrong in the coming weeks though when Lorraine continues to cause trouble in spite of Phil’s absence. The calibre of the contestants this year really is piss poor and how the likes of Mona and Ben are still there is beyond me. With Phil now gone I’m supporting the incredibly gormless James, because, well, someone has to. - On ‘American Idol’ this week Kara DioGuardi proved herself once again to be the least knowledgeable ‘expert’ in the history of expertise. Hot on the heels of the “Studio 57” incident and her inability to count came this week’s critique of Danny Gokey after his performance of Aerosmith’s classic ‘Dream On’. Kara claimed that Danny would sound better doing some “early Aerosmith” like 1993’s ‘Cryin’ or ‘Crazy’ rather than 1973’s ‘Dream On’. Way to go Kara. If she’s back next season I’ll be amazed. - Finally this week we had the very welcome return of ‘Californicaton’ (finally) After my rant a few weeks back about Five’s treatment of both ‘30 Rock’ and ‘Californication’ we’ve now seen both return to our screens, although both have been absolutely buried in the schedules – why show great shows when you can run an ‘Ice Road Truckers’ marathon? Anyway, bitterness aside, Hank Moody picked up right where he left off, sort of… I say sort of because when we last left Hank he was uncharacteristically happy and loved up with ex-wife Karen. At the time I was a bit disappointed with the saccharine, happy-ending season 1 finale as it felt completely detached from what had happened throughout the rest of the season, but my esteemed colleague Sam Brydges made the very valid point that the ending set things up nicely for season 2, as by the time Hank returned things would be fucked up again… …And boy did Hank fuck up in a way only Hank can: by accidentally going down on someone! All in all it was a storming return for ‘Californication’, with Duchovny basically method acting as the sex obsessed Hank. This first episode also introduced a virtually unrecognisable Callum Keith Rennie as aging rocker Lew Ashby who bagged the best line of the night: when he couldn’t find a condom, Hank suggested turning the light off and opening an Alka-Seltzer, a sentence Lew finished with: “…and fuck her with it!?” Welcome back Hank. You were sorely missed. *Make sure you check in with TV or not TV next weekend for a Eurovision Special…* Et tu, Tony...? - Why the Writers and Producers of 24 Can Kiss My Ass. - 30th April 2009 When I was planning this week’s blog another title I considered using was: This is Bullshit – The Story of ‘24’ Season 7, because let’s be honest Day 7 for Jack Bauer has been a completely disjointed mish-mash. Is the Writer’s Strike to blame? Possibly, but it all seems to boil down to the fact that everyone involved in the show was so keen to avoid a repeat of the critically panned Season 6 that they’ve shoe-horned in as many plot twists and shocks as they can to try and keep people hooked and it just hasn’t been necessary. Shows like ‘Mad Men’, ‘The Wire’ and ‘The West Wing’ never needed to rely on these implausible Shyamalan-esque swerves yet ‘24’ seems to be plowing the depths that shows like ‘Prison Break’ and ‘Heroes’ have already sunk to. I’ve dissected Season 7 to death already on this blog and that’s because I care, I have loved this show through it’s many ups and recently it’s increasing lows but I’m struggling to feel anything but utter contempt for the show I that love at the moment. Season 7 started with so much promise. The pace was blistering, the action frantic and of course we had the return of the show’s most beloved character who isn’t named Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida. After the lightning paced opening, we soon learned, as we all suspected, that Tony was actually undercover with the bad guys and was still good – to which we all rejoiced. After a few excellent episodes in which it really seemed like ‘24’ was back to it’s best, Tony started to become an afterthought and the new characters like Larry, Renee and the impossibly irritating Janis were featured more and more prominently, even poor old Chloe got benched. A few episodes back though Tony returned to the fore and with Jack quarantined at FBI HQ Tony finally got to take centre stage in the action hero stakes. It was what Almeida fans had always wanted to see. But then came the moment that shook the ‘24’ universe right off it’s axis… After saving the day in a suitably last minute, heroic style Tony smothered an already dying Larry Moss to death and revealed an alliance with the rogue Starkwood agent who looks like Tracy Jordan on steroids… …And this is why the writers and producers of ‘24’ can kiss my ass. After bringing Tony back and making us feel like we were going to have to hate him, they pulled that rug out from under us and although he’d done some “bad things” and looked shifty for most of the day we were able to embrace the noble Almeida once again. Yet now they’ve done a complete 360, sort of, and Tony’s bad again… Or is he? I know that by discussing this I’m playing right into the producer’s hands, because they will surely use the defence that good writing generates buzz and discussion and that’s exactly what’s been happening since the Tony bait and switch went down. But this buzz hasn’t been as a result of good writing, it’s been because they have manipulated their audience and taken an emotional investment that has been formed over eight years and used it to pop a ratings spike. Anyone who goes into ‘24’ too attached to characters other than Jack is only going to be disappointed because people die, that’s the nature of the show. I didn’t like it when Tony died but I accepted it because that’s the show - no one’s safe. But at least when Tony died he died in a way that remained true to his character: with honour, and we could look back at his great moments from seasons past with fondness; through this character assassination though his legacy is tarnished and that’s what is grating me the most. They could have turned anyone over to the dark side for the jaw-dropping moment they seemingly craved but instead they chose the show’s cult hero, and quite frankly it stinks. I’d already begun writing this before I saw episode 19 in which ‘Bad Tony’ really starts to come out, and I almost hate to admit it, but I kind of enjoyed it. I still hate that they’ve made him a villain who we’re all supposed to hate because the character deserved better than that, but evil Tony is kind of a bad ass. And I’m going out on a limb here and saying that if he is bad through and through and there isn’t some bigger picture we’re not privy to just yet, he’s just plain, straight up, in it for the money, evil then I’m sorry Jack but I’m supporting the bad guys from now on. There has to be redemption for Tony though, there just has to be. If there’s no Darth Vader final scene “what have I done” moment and Tony goes down to a Jack Bauer bullet like the usual ‘24’ villain of the week then I’m done with this show. I’m trying to stay positive at the moment and believe that there is more to come and we are going to get some answers and some sort of insight into what Tony is up to and how he came to be involved in it, but quite frankly I’m starting to get scared because they’re rapidly running out of time to tie up the numerous loose ends that are still flapping in the wind like a flasher’s cock. Everyone involved with this show knows the popularity of the Chicago Cubs’ most famous fan so I can’t imagine them not giving him a moment of redemption but this is ‘24’ so you never do know. If he is going to go out as the devil incarnate though, I’d have preferred him to stay dead or on the periphery as he was mid-season, if that had happened though we wouldn’t have got to see Carlos Bernard’s brilliant performance this season, so I guess it’s a double edged sword. Bernard has brought so much more to this role than simply looking shifty as some pundits have suggested, his timing and delivery at times have been genius, both in terms of laughs and drama, and it’s been great to see him out in the field rather than holed up behind a CTU desk, it’s just a shame it’s all seemingly been for the bad guys. This season of ‘24’ has felt more and more as we’ve gone along that they just through as much shit against the wall as they could and waited to see what stuck. Can you even believe this is the same season that began with the African subplot? ‘24’ has always had the first half of the season villain and then the second half of the season villain but already this season we’ve had Tony, Dubaku, Juma, Hodges, Tony again and now this mysterious cartel seemingly run by Will Patton. Season 6 sucked, that’s a fact, but at least it had focus. If I sit down and think about Tony’s role in the season it makes my head hurt trying to figure it all out. When did he make contact with Galvez? Will we ever find out? Suspension of disbelief is imperative to be able to enjoy this show, but insulting out intelligence and lazy writing are completely unacceptable to a loyal and rabid fan base. ‘24’ has five episodes left to tie this season up into something that at least makes a drop of sense and give us some sort of justification for why Tony is doing what he’s doing beyond “we thought it would be cool for it to be Jack vs. Tony” and if they leave us shortchanged then I think they’ll have nothing short of desertion on their hands. Sure we’ve had the thrills and shocks this year but in terms of writing, compared to the amazing first season, what we’ve seen so far this year is night and day. I remember watching season 2 and thinking that it didn’t live up to 1 and watching 3 and thinking it didn’t live up to 2, but now I’m reminiscing about them like they were the soothing antibiotics that cured a painful bout of V.D. crippling my genitalia. If we get answers in these remaining five episodes and everything is brought together in a sort of Larry David penned ‘Seinfeld’ episode way, then there’s hope, and with time I may come to look back on season 7 with a less biased eye and actually appreciate it as a good season, but if we’re left scratching our heads into some sort of Zidane-esque bald patch then it could sadly be time to finally put Jack and the gang out to pasture. In spite of all this negativity, ‘24’ at it’s worst is still a million miles ahead of most of the other dripping gash on TV at the moment, and I do want the show to pull this back and give us all some closure and hopefully end this season the way it began… On top of it’s game. And in the meantime let’s try and remember Jack and Tony in happier times… 24’ airs Mondays on Sky1 at 9pm. It goes out the same night in the States on FOX one episode in front of the UK also at 9pm/8pm C. Other Televisual Musings this Week: - Vernon Kay’s light-hearted ‘Beat the Star’ has returned to the TV schedules with considerably less fan fare than the first season but is equally as dumb and entertaining as it’s last run. I can’t help feeling it would perform a lot better on a Saturday night as post-pub fodder because the challenges the ‘star’ and challenger have to undertake are some of the most ridiculously devised things I’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t actually be surprised if next Sunday Vernon dropped his pants, bent over and invited the two competitors to see which one could throw a marble up his asshole first. - I hadn’t seen it when the blog went up last week, but given it’s newsworthy nature I thought I’d give it a mention this week; Derek Reese’s death on ‘Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles’. I’d read online that Derek bit it in the penultimate episode of the season, but that knowledge had no way of preparing me for just how sudden and anti-climactic it was. At first I was angry; Derek was my favourite character on the show and for him to be treated like such an afterthought pissed me off. The more I thought about it though, the more I liked what they did. Too often on TV, deaths are glorious, heroic and dramatic when in reality death is far more sudden and cold. Derek dying like that reinforced just what being John Connor and being around John Connor means and in hindsight actually fits the tone of ‘TSCC’ a lot more than some heroic send-off would have. And besides this is a show about time travel, so death is never permanent, Derek could easily and plausibly be back sooner or later. - Sunday night’s BBC ‘News at Ten’ seemingly went out of it’s way to exhibit all the negative characteristics I’ve been harping on about our media having. With the outbreak of Swine Flu the hot topic, the presenter did her utmost to use all the fear buzzwords and scaremonger like there would actually be no tomorrow. “Is it a pandemic?” she asked the expert they had in the studio. When said expert calmly and rationally explained that it’s not that bad, yet, he was pushed and prodded, she may well have just yelled in his face “say it’s a pandemic!” It was the usual ‘don’t go outside the worlds going to end!’ reporting that seems to be all the rage at the moment. The best part was, once she realized that the expert wouldn’t throw out some doom and gloom, she couldn’t get away from him quick enough! - Three words to describe the most recent episode of ‘Prison Break’: lame, lame, lame. - As a final aside, just to add a bitter cherry to what’s been a rather angry TV or not TV this week; I’ve developed yet another irrational irritant recently: people who use Facebook like Twitter. Every time I log into my Facebook nowadays my news feed is full of inane babble that I couldn’t give a flying fuck about. If you want to keep people apprised of your every daily move, like when you’re going for a shit, what colour it was and how much it fucking weighed, then use Twitter, that’s it’s whole concept, let’s keep Facebook sacred and remember what it’s actually meant for: snaking the opposite sex and spying on your exes… …Or, in my case, to be used as a marketing tool to force your mediocre, self-important TV blog on your unsuspecting ‘friends’. What I Learned from Watching TV this Week - 24th April 2009 TV has more to teach us than the World’s finest scholars, so for this reason (and the fact that I didn’t have time to write a proper feature this week) here are a few things I learned from watching TV this week: Adam Lambert could walk out on the ‘American Idol’ stage, write “Fuck Palestine” on the floor in his own faeces and then walk off again and Paula Abdul and Kara DioGuardi would still have a veritable squirt-off over how great his performance was. It may be a long lesson to have learned but that doesn’t make it any less true. This season of ‘American Idol’ is rapidly becoming a one horse race as the fourth Jonas Brother Adam Lambert continues to Bogart the lion’s share of the judge’s praise. Even old toilet brush hair himself Simon Cowell has given this guy a standing ovation (although 2 weeks ago that would have actually meant a lot more had he not been on his feet for practically every ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ auditonee thus far.) While Lambert may have the judge’s firmly behind him, and if Abdul got her way: bent over in front of him, he most definitely isn’t my cup of tea. With my initial pick Danny Gokey still going strong but seemingly stuck in a sea of mediocre performances, I’d far rather see duelling piano player Matt Giraud take victory, although that seems unlikely at this stage. The one good thing about the show’s recent overruns is that the judges were cut down on how often they could comment last week, meaning we had to endure less of Paula’s cliché-like riddles as feedback (they were back with a vegenance this week however). The woman has become a complete waste of space on that panel and is actually starting to make Dannii Minogue look insightful. And while we’re on ‘Idol’ has anyone else noticed that Alison looks remarkably familiar…? Lady Gaga is Michael Jackson. Now stay with me on this one; same childlike voice, same bizarre fashion taste, same overblown sense of self-importance, same lack of self-awareness and of course same extremely uncomfortable interview style… Watching Jonathan Ross interviewing Lady Gaga last Friday was excruciatingly uncomfortable, which of course is what I was expecting and ultimately why I didn’t turn off after Hugh Jackman. I was fully prepared for her to be weird, but even I wasn’t ready for the teacup, the single-fingered wave, her deer-in-the-headlights look and her complete oblivion to Wossy’s questions and jokes. In fact, Ross probably would have got more out of Michael Jackson, or at least more blood out of a stone. Miles may actually have a part to play after all. One of my favourite characters on ‘Lost’, the acerbic Miles finally got his own episode this week and it seems like he may be important to the big picture. After most of his freighter buddies faded away or became after thoughts (or in the case of Naomi and Charlotte – died) I thought that Miles who has fast become one of the show’s best characters, may not be long for this world. Thankfully I was wrong. Making Dharma’s Dr. Chang Miles’ Dad was a nice, if not too surprising twist and will hopefully have a major impact on the show’s narrative. Even if it doesn’t, the twist will be worth it for the awesome look Miles gave his Dad when he said he liked country music. Another brilliant light-hearted moment this week was Hurley’s screenplay for ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ which featured the immortal line as Miles read the script “Chewbacca: Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”. Who says ‘Lost’ isn’t funny? Those people who abandoned the show, must be kicking themselves now and trying desperately to catch up, because since they announced the show’s impending climax there seems to be renewed focus and a greater sense of purpose and importance within each episode, and it’s rapidly become the best show of it’s nature on TV. Take note ‘24’. Larry starting up a pasta empire would be an awesome arc for ‘Curb’ season 7. Sadly this is Giovanni Rana, creator of the pasta brand of the same name, not a slightly overweight Larry David filming the new season of ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’, but the pasta king does bare more than a passing resemblance to everyone’s favourite grumpy Jew don’t you think…? Speaking of adverts; it’s good to see ‘Prison Break’s General Krantz preparing for life after the show, which will of course be ending soon. He is currently appearing in the new Cisco advert (that’s the communications giant not the late 90’s R ‘n’ B guy - although that would be pretty fucking brilliant if it was the latter.) And speaking of ‘Prison Break’… A mid season break hasn’t improved the quality of ‘Prison Break’ at all. The fourth and final season of the once great ‘Prison Break’ returned to our screens this week with more of a premature ejaculation than an all night tantric sex session. Michael and the boys carried on where they left off on their return: lost in a maze of dumb exposition and even dumber plot devices. The end cannot come soon enough for ‘Prison Break’ before it’s high points of seasons past are completely erased by the unadulterated dogshit that has been season 4. The one highlight of the show continues to be William Fichtner’s Mahone, who is head and shoulders above the rest of the cast in terms of performance, his teaming with T-Bag and Self was just about the only watchable thing in a suspenseless return. I’d love to think that the producers and writers have something amazing planned for the show’s finale but my head tells me that ‘Prison Break’ is more likely to fade away than burn out. Those involved with ‘24’ are going to need some Season 7 t-shirts when they start working on season 8. I’ve read in a few self-congratulatory interviews with producers, cast and writers that everyone wore season 6 t-shirts on and around the set of ‘24’ while they filmed season 7 to remind them how bad season 6 was and avoid a repeat. Well after this week’s episode, season 6 is starting to look like the bastard lovechild of ‘The Sopranos’ and ‘The Wire’, so I hope they saved enough money to buy some season 7 t-shirts. This isn’t just the geeky fanboy Tony mark inside me that’s coming out, although that is the straw that broke the camel’s back; this season, to say they had so long to make sure it was right, has been a complete letdown. I know ‘24’ requires a certain suspension of disbelief but if you really stop and think about the happenings of this season so far, like I did when I discovered Tony had gone over to the dark side, it makes your head hurt. I’m trying to reserve judgement on what seems like a character assassination of Tony until we get to see how it plays out, but at the moment I’m feeling nothing but utter disdain for what used to be the highlight of my TV week *(More on this next week.)* Dean Winters is paying for surviving in ‘Oz’ so long. As the Machiavellian Ryan O’Reilly on one of the grittiest shows on TV ‘Oz’, Dean Winters was one of only a handful of cast members to survive for the show’s entire run. Recently though, characters played by this brilliant actor (who would have been my personal choice to play Max Payne) have been somewhat more unlucky than O’Reilly. First Johnny Gavin was gunned down on ‘Rescue Me’ and now his Charley Dixon has been offed on ‘Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles’ as the show seemingly tries to tie up loose ends before it’s impending cancellation. What’s next for the poor guy…? Is Liz Lemon going to stab him in his role as her oafish ex Dennis on ‘30 Rock’!? Comparing Susan Boyle’s performance on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ to Barack Obama’s inauguration could in all honesty be the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. I’d be remiss not to address the media circus that has surrounded Chris Moyles in drag look-alike Susan Boyle in the last week or so. The hype and fuss are completely unwarranted; yes this woman who may not be much to look at has the voice of an angel but beyond that I’m just not getting it, if you ask me, dance troupe Flawless were better than her anyway and if that’s not enough, the little Welsh lad who closed out last Saturday’s show is now being tipped to give Boyle a run for her money and is even stealing away some of Boyle’s fickle celebrity twitterers. That’s how ridiculous this whole thing is, the woman who the press were comparing to Barack Obama may not even win the show! That whole comparison made me want to crawl up inside my own asshole just to get away from the mind-blowing idiocy of the World’s media. Do you know why only 20 million people watched Obama on youtube? Because hundreds of millions watched it live! Pants Cannot Sell Cereal. On ‘The Apprentice’ this week Geordie estate agent Phil, who I’d tipped for victory back in week one, coined the incredibly lame idea of using pants and a superhero named ‘Pantsman’ (who’s only actual super power seemed to be the ability to help people wear their underwear “the right way”, something he seemed unable to grasp himself) to sell a new breakfast cereal. Unsurprisingly Phil’s team were well and truly pummelled by the opposition who were led by Kate this week. Sugar really needs to switch the teams up a bit next week because the teams are so unbalanced at the moment it’s almost unfair. Although Kate and co.’s Treasure Flakes cereal was a shameless rip-off of Cap’n Crunch, overall they put together a pretty impressive product and campaign, even if Ben’s voice for the parrot used to front the ad campaign did sound like the voice of Ghostface from the ‘Scream’ films. In the end team leader of Phil’s team Kim was fired, and I would say deservedly, after a shocking idea was further compounded by an even more shocking product and campaign. Phil though seems intent on throwing away the momentum he had earlier on in the competition by coming across as, an admittedly self-confessed, big head. I still like the guy so I’m hoping he can learn to take more of a backseat sometimes and take his deserved place in the final. And finally… People are stupid. I know it’s not TV related but I couldn’t not comment on the fact that Cheryl fucking Tweedy (I still refuse to call her Cole) was voted sexiest woman in the World by FHM UK readers. That’s right, in the WORLD, not sexiest woman in Girls Aloud (which she isn’t), not sexiest woman from Newcastle, not sexiest woman in the North East, not even sexiest woman in the UK. Sexiest woman in the whole mother-lickin’ World. My faith in humanity dies a little more…